Posts tagged ‘women’s magazines’

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September 20, 2008

Kaley Cuoco Is the Most Depressing Person Alive

So, I recently joined the YMCA in my neighborhood.  As it’s been over two years since I belonged to a gym and had regular access to weights, I’ve entirely forgotten my old regimen.  So, I bought a few women’s exercise-type magazines to find a couple of routines.  I usually steer clear of women’s magazines because they tend to make me both angry and depressed, and these were no exception.

I seem to recall reading Shape several years ago, and it was 95% about actual exercise, and the models were all ripped. Not anymore.  Now, it’s 95% hideously overpriced clothes, and interviews with lying celebrities (“I mostly care about being happy and healthy, and my kids!”), and advice on how not to eat, or do anything much but spend insane amounts on worthless crap.  And only 40 pages in (or 3 pages in, if you don’t count advertisements), there is an interview with Kaley Cuoco.  Apparently, she is an actor on a sitcom, The Big Bang Theory.  I’d never heard of her or the show.  She’s 22-years-old, and this is what she has to say:

I go to [spinning] class three times a week, without fail.  I always get there early so I can sit in the front of the studio, and I’m ready to go as soon as the instructor comes in.*

And:

…right now I can’t get enough of the 6-inch vegetarian whole-wheat sandwich from Subway.  I pick one up after my Spin class . . . It’s my default meal; I know exactly how many calories are in it – 260 – and I never have to think about what to order.*

And worst of all:

Diet cola is my absolute favorite drink in the world; I used to drink four cans a day.  But to help me cut down, I’ve turned it into a treat.  Now, instead of having dessert, I’ll have a can of diet soda.  Putting a limit on how often I can drink it has helped me appreciate it more.*

Oh my God, Kaley!  I want to kill myself!  You are the saddest girl in the whole world!

Seriously, I myself am far more ascetic in most respects than your average person could bear to be, and I often find my own self depressing in some ways.  But even I want to kidnap this girl and make her go on some insane sky-diving, Fleet-Week-cruising, cocaine-snorting adventure in irresponsible hedonism.  What’s the point of being rich and famous if your best idea of an awesome time is go to spin class and then eat a Subway sandwich and drink a can of Diet Coke?

Jeez.

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These quotes taken from Shape’s October 2008 issue (Vol. 28, No. 2); I don’t really know what the procedure is for footnoting in a blog post.  Please don’t sue me, Shape.  Oh, and also – your magazine blows.

Posted in Advertising, Feminism, Food, Health, People | 9 Comments »

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January 30, 2008

When Will the HPV Vaccine Be Fashionable?

I had the opportunity the other day to leaf through the February issue of Marie Claire. I never read women’s magazines (except every now and then when I’m stoking an eating disorder and stockpiling ‘thinspiration’), and as usual, momentarily glancing at one completely reassured me that I am entirely correct to avoid them, and surely everyone reading this blog will understand my standpoint on this issue, even if they do not agree with it, so I will spare us all the tiresomeness of going on about it at length.

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[...Except I must just say that, for the same reason I had occasion to peruse Marie Claire, I also had a briefer encounter with the January issue of Vogue, which, along with other travesties, contains (near the back) a photo of a model holding a bag designed by Richard Prince. The bag is printed with a number of jokes, all based on the classic ‘my wife is so dumb and/or ugly that...' formula (the blurb refers to these as ‘witticisms'), and retails for $2,720. Looking at it, I thought to myself that perhaps my sex fully deserves all the ill-treatment and inequality it suffers under, just for being so unbelievably foolish and masochistic as to thoroughly embrace (and eagerly line up to swallow whole) every ridiculous demand and pronouncement of an industry that exists solely for the purpose of milking every last dime out of every last woman by the (inexplicably) effective means of: convincing her she is ugly, vapid and worthless; encouraging her to desire nothing so much as her own utter and complete disenfranchisement and objectification; and praising her for valuing nothing so highly as vanity, materialism and greed.]

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There! Aren’t you glad I resisted the urge to succumb to a full-out hysterical rant?

Except don’t breathe a sigh of relief, as all this was merely a prologue to what really pissed me off: tucked away in the back of the (pointless and embarrassing) Marie Claire issue in question is a brief article by Julia Scirrotto describing the trial of a time she had getting her gyno to vaccinate her with Gardasil.

Here’s a link to her article (which I had to search for, as it certainly wasn’t featured on the main MC page, and of the general categories listed on the main page, the closest thing to health is ‘fat’).

To be fair, it sounds like Scirrotto just has a particularly shitty gynecologist. Still, from what I’ve seen, the promotional campaign for this vaccine has been limited to Gardasil’s own television spots featuring teenage girls (and I haven’t seen one of those in quite some time, come to think of it). Looking at Wikipedia, it appears state governments aren’t exactly rushing to make vaccinating students mandatory.

According to the CDC website, in the U.S., about 5,000 people per year die of illness resulting from Hepatitis-B infection, and in 2006, about 3,700 women were expected to die from cervical cancer. In 2003 about 73,000 people were infected with Hep-B, and every year about 6.2 million people get HPV. I see no reason why cities and schools shouldn’t make vaccinating for HPV as big a priority as they made vaccinating for Hep-B several years ago. But maybe they’re getting around to it. I hope so.

Posted in Advertising, Feminism, Health | 1 Comment »

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August 10, 2007

Ten Hot Tips on How to Meet the Man of Your Dreams!

Girls, we know how it is: you’re not too choosy. You’re friendly, pretty, open and communicative. And you’re single. So, why are you sitting home on a Saturday night?

Ladies, how many times a week do you find yourself wailing, ‘I just never meet any available men!’ How many times have you gone to what you expected to be a raging party only to find yourself playing Jenga with six lesbians and an eunuch? How often have you spent all night dancing sexily at a bar, only to wake up the next morning with a black eye, and a homeless person in your bathtub? How many times have you gone to a singles’ event, only to end up drinking homebrew in the janitor’s closet of a deserted high school with a mangy cat and two 14-year-olds on their first date?

Where are all the fellas hiding?!

We know where, and we’re going to tell you! Following are ten, surefire ways to meet single men. So strap on your party shoes and keep your chin up, hot stuff! Your dance card will soon be overflowing:

1. Take a class! While your fellow classmates are certain to be overwhelmingly female or married (what single guy would spend his free hours learning Spanish or auto repair?), you might very well meet a nice guy in the bursar’s office when you go to sign up.

2. Get a new job! Weekly! No one eligible where you work? There are thousands of jobs. Keep those resumes circulating till you find yourself next-cubicle to a cutie!

3. Travel! There might be men in other cities. Who knows?

4. Get hit by a car! Between the bystanders, the paramedics, the nurses, the radiologist, the er doctors and the cops who have to fill out the report, any ambulance and hospital visit combo is sure to expose you to at least one single man. If you’re really lucky, you might even require a separate visit for follow-up surgery.

5. Take out a personals billboard! Dating sites are overloaded. On Match.com, your video has a thousand other videos to compete with, but do you see any other single woman’s face looming over I-40?

6. Volunteer! You can bet if there are any nice, single guys volunteering, they’re every bit as lonely as you.

7. Sign up for an athletic team! Nothing makes a guy want to ask you out like you being the Achilles heel of his otherwise perfect weekend baseball team.

8. Spy on strangers and manipulate them into running through elaborate, whimsical scavenger hunts, while you hover anonymously in the background wearing a black domino, but chewing your lip adorably to show that you’re not really a creepy stalker! It worked for Amelie.

9. Be a damsel in distress! For example, next time you’re at the Laundromat, climb into a drier, close the door behind you, and scream and bang on the glass. If a woman or an ugly man rescues you, just thank them, wait for them to go away, and try, try again.

10. Start a fire in your apartment! The firemen will come right to you. Plus, you’ll finally get to meet the neighbors.

So, there you go, ladies. If you have tried all these things and are still single, you’re probably hideous to look at and unbearable to converse with, because these babies are foolproof! What are you waiting for?

Posted in Dating, Humor | 3 Comments »

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