Posts tagged ‘success’

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September 9, 2008

I Accept

I have my acceptance speech all prepared for whenever I win my big award. After the applause dies down and I have finished looking surprised and overwhelmed, and I’ve huffed a couple times into the microphone to make it seem like I wasn’t entirely expecting to win, and am not secretly thoroughly composed and ready to give my acceptance speech and haven’t, in fact, been thoroughly composed and ready to give it since I was thirteen, I will say:

‘Whew! I have to say, I have never been so not pissed off!’

Everyone will laugh at this – it’s an appropriate comment for me, because probably whatever I’m being given the award for will have something to do with comedy, and with comedy based around being generally pissed off at everything, since that’s what I do. It’s also true. I’ve given a lot of thought to what would make me, finally and totally, not at all pissed off with anyone or anything, and the only thing I can really think of (other than finding true love, which is far less likely) is at long last being properly acknowledged with a big, fat award on T.V. for everyone who’s ever known me to see.

After I’ve done my bit about not being pissed off, and the laughter dies down, I will then stop as if momentarily at a loss for words (which, of course, I won’t be), and, holding the award at a little distance and looking at it as if I can’t quite believe it’s in my hand (which, of course, I can), I will say:

‘Boy, I’ll tell you what, you can trust anybody with a microphone if you just give them a big old trophy first!’

This is good because (a) it’s funny, and (b) it makes me sound as if I had a lot of possibly devastating truths that I would use a public platform to speak to the Man, and so that I’m the sort of person people in power don’t trust with microphones…because I’m dangerous. Which I’m not. I don’t have anything dangerous to say – certainly not anything that people aren’t already saying into microphones all across the country. In fact, if somebody hadn’t already said something in some public forum or other, I would have no way of knowing about it. It’s not like I’ll be getting this award for doing any original reporting.

But nobody will think that about me, because they’ll probably all be thinking I’m smart and witty and have piercing social insight, as I’m sure that whatever I’m getting this award for is really very biting and insightful and satirical. And everyone will already be on my side, because they all enjoyed whatever thing I’ve done so very much. This is my night, after all. I’m the lady with the trophy.

So, that’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I imagine after those two bits and the holds for laughter after them, I’ll only have time to blurt out my paragraph of thank-yous to everyone (which of course I will, because I’m very grateful to all those who will have helped me to receive the award that is certainly coming to me – take note, you) before my time is over, and I shake the award in the air in teary gratitude and kiss my fingers gracefully, before proceeding offstage to thunderous applause and swelling music.

Oh, I’ll also be totally thin and probably looking at least five years younger than whatever age I am at the time. I can’t wait.  I wonder what sort of award it will be??

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May 11, 2007

An Amazingly Talented Child

“Oh, hi. Oh, goodness, we’ve not even looked at the menu yet. Well, I know Chanteuse will have…something light. She’s got a shoot today – she’s an actress: stage, tv, film and radio. And she does print-work. Only nine years old. Amazingly talented. Have you seen the movie version of ‘Sleepover Club: Mary’s Exasperating Charge?’ No? Oh. Well, Chanteuse has a speaking role in that. She played Mary’s little sister, Bridget. A very high-maintenance baby-sitting charge. It was quite clever – the girls just wanted to have a sleepover, and Bridget kept refusing to go to bed! So, they were trying to talk about boys and all, and doing it in code, so Bridget wouldn’t know. Oh, Chanteuse was amazing in it, but then, that’s no surprise. She really is a wondrous child. Tons of star quality, everybody says. She’s also a dancer – triple-threat, obviously, but then everyone is these days, aren’t they? Makes it that much harder. The competition…I tell you, it’d reduce me to a quivering, sobbing mess, but Chanteuse is such a professional. ‘It’s the business, Mom,’ she says. Just like that. Nine going on twenty-eight. But that’s where we’ll stop, won’t we, sweetie?

So anyhow, she also plays the piano and the violin, so that she’s really more a quintuple threat. Sextuple, if you count mime. But her real goal, you know, is in the singer-songwriter realm. She wants to focus more on that gift this year, but I tell her, why limit yourself? Nobody says you can’t straddle both rails. ‘Don’t define yourself too quickly,’ I say to her. ‘True, lasting stars defy easy categorization.’ So, anyhow, we’ve been getting the word out about that, and things have really worked out in that area. Her first CD will be coming out in August. Here, here’s an invitation for the release party. …Oh, no, dear, I wasn’t inviting you; I was just showing you the invitation. The event is industry only – Chanteuse’s own daddy isn’t even invited!

I tell you, I’m about to drop dead over this whole thing – we had to go back and forth to Philly every weekend for three months for the recording sessions, and the next thing comes the touring. I don’t even want to think about it. But Chanteuse has been on tour a couple times before: Annie, Les Miserables. I don’t even know what all. She was supposed to go around with Spelling Bee, but we said, ‘No. Enough.’ I asked her if she wanted to do it, and she said – what’d you say, sweetie? She said, ‘Been there, done that, Mom.’ Isn’t she a trip? She just moves forward, and that’s how you have to be in this business. Is it good for my career? And at this point, she has enough buzz that I really want her to base herself here. Here, or in LA, where we spend about half our time these days, it seems. Flying over, flying back. Between the auditions, the meetings, the rehearsals and the shoots, I sometimes we could just rip her right in half so she could be two places at once, isn’t that right, Chanteuse?

…Listen, dear, I think it’s sweet that you’re so interested, but at some point, hadn’t you better get our food?”

–

[Note: The woman speaking above is not, as one might be led to believe, accompanied by a child. Rather, she is accompanied by a small potato with a garishly painted face.]

Posted in Humor, Misanthropy, New York City, Theatre | 1 Comment »

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March 15, 2007

Personal Resolutions for Escaping My Current Rut

No more nancying about. This is the real thing, Elizabeth. This time, I’m sticking to these resolutions. I’m not going to cry, complain, whine, sleep, eat or feel. I’m going to achieve my objectives, stop standing in my own way, buck up, sack up, sit up, shut up and shape up. I’m going to conquer all foes and disembowel all personal demons. I’m not going into my 26th year a pasty, poor, unloved loser. I hereby resolve that by August of 2007, I will achieve the following goals in the following arenas:

Professional:

- Write a novel;
- Obtain a role in a quality off- Broadway production;
- Become a regular and highly anticipated presence at comedic open-mic nights throughout Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens;
- Publish two (2) short stories in well known literary magazines;
- Have a regular readership of at least fifty (50) readers of this blog; and
- Become a household name.

Personal:

- Have at least five (5) good, close friends and at least forty (40) acquaintances (mostly industry contacts);
- Have dated fourteen (14) people casually, and, following that, have involved myself in a serious relationship, which will last at least one (1) year and no longer than two (2) years;
- No longer be uncomfortable or shy when introduced to groups of strangers who all know each other; and
- Become close, personal friends with at least one (1) major celebrity (could be an actor, writer or politician, I’m not choosy).

Financial:

- Become beloved and skilled enough server to regularly make $1600/month from working three (3) shifts per week; and
- Inherit a large fortune.

Personal Development:

Physical:

- Get weight down to 110 lbs.;
- Consume only lean protein, vegetables and (on rare occasions) fruit;
- Replace coffee and alcohol with green tea;
- Have visible muscle definition in my thighs and torso;
- Sleep eight (8) hours per night;
- Be able (and sometimes willing) to run ten (10) miles at a stretch; and
- Develop one (1) superpower, preferably flight or invisibility.

Intellectual/Cultural:

- Read fifteen (15) great works of literature (and publish intelligent critical essay of at least one (1));
- Inform myself fully on the following, currently fuzzy, topics: Vietnam (conflict and history), WWII, the World Bank (function and structure), the Balkans (conflict and history), major American presidents and their contributions, Kant, the UN (function and structure), indie music, Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Buddhism (Theravada v. Mahayana), the various branches of the US military, carpentry, sports, physics (string theory, etc.), the entire Middle East (conflict and history), the Bloomsbury group, Russian history, Abbie Hoffman, Cuba, Greek mythology, the human body, Freudian thought, silent film and the rules of poker;
- Be familiar with all current periodicals (both political, social and literary), including journals and newspapers;
- Have viewed all Oscar-nominated films for this past year, and all likely contenders for this next (and publish intelligent critical essay of at least one (1));
- Each month, take advantage of this great city in which I live by attending one (1) theatrical production, one (1) reading or lecture and three (3) inexpensive alternative music/poetry performances; visiting one (1) museum and two (2) galleries; and exploring two (2) new neighborhoods (and publish at least five (5) on-line essays about these experiences);
- Travel to one (1) other country, and to two (2) new states (and publish a travel essay about each trip); and
- Be quoted in Bartlett’s.

Psychological/Spiritual:

- Stop criticizing, deriding and otherwise hating and mistreating myself;
- Stop criticizing, deriding and otherwise hating and mistreating others;
- Stop compulsively eating, ruminating, obsessing, talking about myself in public, interrupting, procrastinating, hesitating, doubting and over-thinking;
- Stop giving any evidence of my own stupidity, uncoolness or weakness in any social situation ever;
- Stop fearing to appear stupid, uncool or weak in social situations;
- Decide to be happy, regardless of circumstances, and remain ever cheerful;
- Listen to even the most boring ramblings of others with genuine, rapt attention;
- Actively become a benevolent force for good;
- Stop having unrealistic expectations for myself; and
- Start living up to my potential.

Social:

- Volunteer at least once a week;
- Become politically active (in part by submitting and publishing intelligent op-eds in major periodicals);
- Donate ten percent (10%) of earnings to charity (well, after-tax); and
- Develop and implement a perfect economic system that combines powerful incentives with a reliable social safety net.

I guess that’s a good start. I have my work cut out for me now, so with all of this to do, there is clearly no time for lying about, feeling lazy and unmotivated and bored and just generally sorry for myself, is there? No. No time for watching Law & Order marathons, or sitting around my friends’ apartments, drinking and playing Taboo. If I want to achieve these goals by August (and achieve them I will), I have to start first thing…in the morning. Right now, though, I’m going to go get a cheese slice, some cookie dough, and a magnum of cheap shiraz, and then watch Caddyshack. Because, while I’ve seen parts of it 500 times, I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen the entire thing all the way through.

Posted in Health, Humor, Theatre, Work, Writing | 1 Comment »

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