I thought I looked nice!

It comes. Closer and closer, it comes. It sucks up years, it grays youth, it brings forth the sweat from even the most habitually sedated brow…

It comes. It comes. It comes for you. RUN!!!!

Those who remove sta-
-ple removers from copy
rooms should be shot dead.

“There’s no need to bother anymore,” says Anna Diggs, a 27-year-old former marketing employee. “My rent has gone up every year, but I’ve never gotten a raise. And I just got a big tax refund since I made less than $18,000 last year, and I realized it was actually enough to cover my expenses for a couple months. So, I quit.”

While the humanities majors hold many different positions over a wide spectrum of industries, the actual job descriptions for all of them are strikingly similar.

“I basically surf the Internet and occasionally answer the phone,” says Marie Johnson, administrative assistant at a financial firm. “My two roommates both have nearly identical positions at other firms. I make $14/hour, Trish makes $18/hour and Erin makes $25/hour. We were all three placed through the same temp agency that’s been making $35/hour off each of us for the past year-and-a-half. Which is about how long it’s been since I went to a dentist.”

In the wake of the striking humanities majors, HR managers and temp agencies have been deluged with resumes from retail, restaurant, hotel and other minimum-wage workers.

“Frankly, I’ll do anything,” says Becca Horstead, a 48-year-old single mother of two, who currently works at a Borders. “They can pay me whatever they want, just so long as it’s over $7.15 an hour, and they let me sit my ass in a chair.”

These resumes, however, have been not been greeted with enthusiasm.

“I don’t know,” said Myra Beckinridge, HR-manager at Wees & Luxembaum LLC. “Since Katy [the file clerk for the heath care law division] left, Beatrice from word processing has been doing her work. And she’s applied for the position, but she’s…well, I don’t…”

Beckinridge paused for a moment before continuing.

“What I mean to say is, this position just demands too much responsibility for someone without a college degree.”

Asked for comment, Beatrice Jones replied, “I have a B.A. from CUNY! Did she even glance at my damn resume?”

Many employers are doubting whether they’ll replace the humanities majors at all.

“I’m thinking it’s really not that big a workload,” says Dennis Masterson at Techmode, a strategizing and data management firm. “What I might do is, just turn that paid position into several, part-time unpaid internships. We could get a couple smart, young college kids to come in a couple times a week and do this for college credit or something.”

Unpaid internships are nothing new to jobhunter, Matthew Bender, a 28-year-old former assistant copywriter.

“I’d been working at this trade publication for two years, through a temp agency,” Bender explains. “And I had my performance review, and my boss said he was really happy with me. I asked for benefits and a raise, and he said that I was a temp, and they couldn’t afford to hire me on right now. So, I quit and started looking for other editing or copywriting jobs – all the ones I found were fulltime jobs, but the publications had them listed as unpaid internships. What freaking idiots are doing all this work for free?”

When asked about his plans, Bender is noncommittal.

“I mean, being unemployed is nice, and not really that different,” Bender says. “I still sit at my computer all day for no money, only now I can wear jeans, and I don’t spend $10 on lunch.”

“In this economy,” says Techmode’s Masterson. “We really can’t afford to pay our employees.”

First of all, you will need some money.

Money is bits of paper that can be exchanged for goods and services: things that you, as a person, will need and/or want.

Where can the money be gotten? Generally, it is to be gotten in the bleakest places. Look for large, cold rooms filled with beige boxes. The beige boxes contain smaller, blinking beige boxes. If you put on a pair of black pants and black shoes, and a shirt with buttons down the front, and sit for seven hours in front of one of these blinking beige boxes, you should receive some money.

Once you have money, it is time to go to a crowded place and drink drinks. The drinks might make you giggle, or they might make you feel dead. It all depends. When you have drunk enough drinks, you will feel sleepy. You will need to sleep, because you’re running out of money! You will need to get up bright and early and drink other drinks that wake you, so that you can be wakeful at your beige box. In this way, you can get more money, so that you can go and drink more drinks to put you back to sleep.

Is this all to Earth, you ask?

Not quite.

After you sit at your beige box for five days, you should have enough money to spend two days buying things (you can also play sports in the park, if it is not cold). When you have bought many things, you can spread them all out on your bed and look at them.

Good. Now it is time to put the things away, because you are running out of money again! Wash your black pants and go to sleep.

Is this all to Earth, you ask again?

Not quite.

Look to your right and left. There are other people there, doing just as you do. It is unlikely that you will enjoy the people to your right and left in the room of beige boxes, but if you look to the right and left in the crowded places where you drink drinks, it is possible that you will find another person you would enjoy going along with from now on, for company.

You probably won’t find such a person, but you might!

If you do, you can have little people with this person, and for two days at the end of every five, you can watch these little people play sports in the park (if it is not cold), and you can buy the little people little things, and spread them out on their beds to look at. People who have done this say it is really the best thing to do.

Beware, though: little people need lots and lots and lots of money!

Is this all to Earth, you ask a third time?

Yes. This is all.

Do you think you will like it?

. . . If not, there is one other option. If you do not care enough about using your money to feel happy about sitting in the beige box each day, you can go to a place on Earth where they haven’t managed to set up such a system for making and spending money yet, and you can help them to get closer to instituting such a system for themselves.

This is called “Peace Corps.”

Is this all, you ask again?

More or less. Welcome, and enjoy!

-

Oh, come on, train. Come on. Where’s the train? Let me see those headlights. Come on. JUST COME ON!

-

Go, you freaking train. Why have you stopped? Just go. Go. My stop’s right there. Go, damn it! Go, go, go, go, go.

-

Open the doors. Open the doors. Seriously, we’re in the station, we’re just sitting here, OPEN THE DOORS, I’M ABOUT TO FREAK OUT, I CAN’T BREATHE IN THIS FREAKING TRAIN! OPEN!!!!

-

Come on, people. Walk. Walk like you mean it, or get the hell out of my way. Seriously, have you never moved forward before in your life?? Is this some sort of novel concept to you? You’re here, you want to go there. So, just GO there. GET OUT OF MY WAY, DAMN IT! MOVE!

-

Come on, elevator. Oh, come on! Now, go! GO!

-

Come on, computer. Boot up. Boot up. Boot up, boot up, boot up, boot up, boot up, boot up. God!

-

Come on, coworker. Just tell me what you want me to DO, okay? Just spit it out. Yes, yes, yes, what do you want me to DO? Cut to the chase. Okay, okay, I get it now! I know what you want, so STOP TALKING. Shut up, go away, shut up, go away!

-

Come on, lady. You know I’m sitting in here waiting for you to leave. I can’t shit until this bathroom is empty. Your hair looks fine, wash your hands and get out! Just GO already, because I have to GO, and if you do not GO before someone else COMES, I cannot GO, so why don’t you GO??!!

-

Oh, come on, elevator.

-

Come on, people. Just hand the man a five. No, you don’t have exact change. Don’t hunt for it! Oh, fine. Okay, you’re done, you’re done, you’re done – don’t stand there fiddling with your purse, just take your freaking sandwich and blow!

-

Elevator. I hate you.

-

Come on, spreadsheet, download. DOWNLOAD!!! Okay, here we– No, no, NO! I didn’t mean to click that link, it was an accident, don’t refresh! Oh, my sweet Lord. Well, then refresh, dammit, hurry up.

-

Come on, five o’clock. Come. On. Already.

-

I despise you to the depths of my being, elevator.

-

MOVE IT, PEOPLE!

-

WHERE THE HELL’S THE TRAIN?

-

MOVE IT, YOU FREAKING TRAIN!

-

I’M GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

Come on, death. Just hurry up and get here.

–

The beads of condensation on my coffee cup lid are intensely beautiful. They are tiny, and each one is separate, but perfectly round. On the rim, there is a single line of perfectly spaced beads of water, each one an equal distance from the one before. Such perfect symmetry. Does this mean there is meaning in the universe after all? No.

–

Maybe I have a text message. No.

–

I never really had an apeshit period. I was a well-behaved and quiet kid, a moderate and studious college student, and an ambitious and healthy young adult. I never slept in alleys, or hitchhiked across the country, or dropped acid and then jumped off a roof. I even somehow managed to backpack Southeast Asia in a mature, responsible manner. Now, I’m getting to the age where an apeshit period would be merely depressing to everyone who witnessed it. Youth is indeed wasted on the young. Maybe I will come to work drunk all next week. No.

–

Seriously, why am I even in New York? Perhaps I should move. But where to? And why? Maybe I’ll click through Google Maps with my eyes closed, and wherever I land, I’ll move there. …Kansas City. Oh, hell no.

–

The secretary next door just said, ‘Take the next two days off, will you?’ The next two days being the weekend. Everyone laughed hysterically. They laugh because they refuse to weep. They are all so brave.

–

Maybe I have a text message. No.

–

Maybe someone has put brownies in the breakroom. No.

–

I wonder if I got my book out, if anyone would notice or care. I wonder if I got out my book and my ipod, too, if that would really be pushing it. I wonder if I put in a Netflix DVD and watched it with earphones, if anyone would notice. I wonder if I did some push-ups in my cubicle, wearing my ipod and watching a Netflix DVD, if I would be fired.

–

How much do I stand to get from selling an egg? Could I bring myself to do such a thing? No. Or…maybe. Well, no.

–

I wonder if anyone else ever noticed the similarities between the cast of Wings and the cast of Chip ‘N Dale’s Rescue Rangers?

–

Maybe I have a text message. No.

–

Another hour closer to 5:00. Another hour closer to death. What have I ever done with my life? What have I ever done for anybody?

–

I wonder how much coffee I can chug in 30 minutes? Here goes!

–

I should really stop bitching, because this is my life to live and we create our own fate and it is my own job to make something happen to me if I want something to happen with my life, I have to make it happen, have to quit wasting time and quit thinking and procrastinating and worrying and I should just do it now and do it today, and even if I don’t know what ‘it’ is, well, that shouldn’t stop me, because you just have to strike out, you know what I’m saying, with energy and love for all and faith in yourself, and you have to wake up and plug in and GET INTO LIFE, and think of Einstein, think of Teddy Roosevelt, think of well I’m sure there’s someone who was both vibrant and female and I’ve got the will and the drive, and I’m going to do it now, I’m going to do it today because I can’t do anything until I MAKE myself do something! Anything!

–

Maybe I have a text message. No.

–

Oh, damn it! DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!!!! I just HATE this! I HATE THIS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never traveled, and I don’t often eat out at restaurants. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I eat at Peter’s, which is an Italian place that also serves gyros. I like gyros. Sort of. I mean, I’m not wild about them. Once Brian was emailed by a woman in his area who wanted to go to a movie with him. He made a date with her, but she did not show up. But maybe she did show up, and he just didn’t recognize her. Sometimes people look different from their pictures. My picture is of me in college. I look the same now, except I have lost a little weight. Most people gain weight as they get older, but I have lost it. I think it is because I used to go out drinking a lot in college, but now I do not do that, because Brian doesn’t drink.

There is one nice thing about my job, and that is that we have free coffee, and there are flavored coffees. I don’t like the flavored coffees, but it is nice to have the option. I don’t like too many options, though, because sometimes you can be paralyzed by choice. Something similar happened to me after college. When I graduated, I wasn’t sure which way to go, and that was an upsetting realization. I enjoy simplicity, to a reasonable degree. I have only three colors in my wardrobe, which seems to me to be a perfect choice. It would be dull and a bit insane to have only black clothing (though I have considered it), but I have found that the more colors introduced, the earlier I have to get up to pick. Currently, I have black pants, and jeans, and green and blue tops. That is what I consider a reasonable wardrobe.

I enjoy sleeping very much. It is healthy, satisfying, free of charge, and can be enjoyed by everyone. If I could, I would probably sleep all the time. I would say sleeping is my favorite thing to do. I have sometimes thought that a dog would be nice to have. But I worry about dogs. Even just thinking about sleeping makes me happy. Sometimes about three in the afternoon, I think about how I will sleep later, and I feel good from my head to my toes. If I were going to travel (and I don’t think I will), one place I might like to go is Prague. Brian has been to France, Spain and the U.K.

The thing about dogs is, they are kind of like slaves. I worry that a dog might be deeply unhappy with his overall life, but so simply pleased by whatever food or affection is coming his way currently that he can forget about it for the time being. But if that is the case, that dog would be better off dead. Brian has a cat, and the cat seems reasonably happy to me, and also not like a slave, because I’m pretty sure that cat could get away from Brian if she took a notion. I do not like cats, however; they remind me of a series of nightmares I had as a boy.

One movie I love is Dog Day Afternoon. ATTICA!!!

I do not much follow the news, but Brian was once on the news because he got into an accident. He was driving a car, but was very drunk, and he ran into the side of a school bus. It was 8:30 a.m. No children were hurt, but Brian got into a lot of trouble anyway. And I think that was right. That was two years ago, and Brian stopped drinking right after, and so I stopped drinking, too, because he was my drinking buddy. I don’t think there’s too much harm in drinking if you can leave off when it’s time, which I can, but Brian is an alcoholic.

I didn’t much care for school myself, but I didn’t hate it, either. The nice thing about school was lunch. And routine. I drive a Buick Sentry, a red one. It’s alright; I don’t much care about cars. And I have only been on a plane a couple of times. If a woman reads this and would be interested in going to Peter’s with me, I will be there at 8:00 p.m. this coming Friday. I will be wearing a blue top and black pants, and I look just like the photo above, except I am a little thinner.

Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking. It doesn’t have to be like this. Our greatest hopes could become reality in the future. . . . All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.

—–

Manager: Okay, guys, we need to talk about what went wrong last night, because clearly something did, and I know you guys work hard, and I want to hear from you suggestions of what the problem is and ways we can fix it-

Server #1: –Well, I think what happened was-

Manager: –Because it’s all about communication here, and you know, guys, I can tell you and tell you and tell you, but at the end of the day it’s about communication and communication is a two way street-

Server #2: –the problem was that the kitchen didn’t-

Manager: –And let me know these things, because I’m not going to yell at you, I know you work hard, and we all have the same goals here, so I just need suggestions, because if you suggest something, I will implement that suggestion, okay, guys, because nothing is written in stone-

Server #3: –I think what would fix the problem-

Manager: –Okay, guys, right now, though, we need to get these napkins folded, and get on the floor because we’ve got a 6:00 curtain at the Met, and they’re piling up in the door, okay? On the floor, guys. Now.

—–

Server #1: Where’s the ticket for table 57?

Sous chef: What table?

Server #1: 57. Table 57!! I fired their food twenty-five minutes ago, where is it?

Sous chef: I don’t see no ticket. Did you ring it in?

Server #1: Of course I rang it in! Did you lose the ticket?

Sous chef: I don’t see it. You should always check your tickets.

Server #1: Oh, my sweet Christ. You lost the damn ticket. Oh, shit, they had a steak mid-well and a lasagna! They’ve been waiting thirty minutes, this is a disaster!

Sous chef: If I don’t have no ticket, I don’t know I’m supposed to do anything.

Server #1: You lost the ticket!

Sous chef: You should always check.

Server #1: I should always check to make sure you haven’t lost the ticket?

Sous chef: Sure.

Server #1: Oh, fuck you, man!

Sous chef: I’ll help you out this time, but next time, you should check the ticket.

Server #1: What do you mean, help me out? It was your mistake!

Sous chef: Your mistake.

Server #1: Your mistake!

Sous chef: You!

Server #1: You!

—–

Customer: Could you do the stuffed salmon with no spinach in the stuffing?

Server #3: No, I’m sorry, the salmon stuffing is pre-made. You can have a plain grilled salmon filet.

Customer: But I’d like the scallops, just not the spinach. Could you just stuff the salmon with scallops?

Server #3: No.

Customer: Why not?

Server #3: Because we don’t have a stuffing with only scallops.

Customer: Could you take some plain scallops and put them in the salmon?

Server #3: No. We could do a plain grilled salmon with a side of scallops from the antipasti bar, how about that?

Customer: Hmmm. I really, I tell you what I’d love is a salmon stuffed with like a scallop and cornbread stuffing. Could you do anything like that?

Server #3: No.

Customer: Could you ask the chef?

Server #3: He’ll say no. We can’t do that, I’m sorry. Because, you see, the stuffing, it comes with spinach and scallops. We can’t create a new stuffing and stuff a salmon with it, especially not pre-theatre.

Customer: It’s just, I’m allergic to spinach. Allergic.

Server #3: So get the plain grilled salmon, side of scallops. I think you’ll love it!

Customer: It’s just, I’d so love it to be stuffed inside the salmon, you know? Maybe if you talk to the chef.

Server #3: Tell you what, I’m going to give you a minute to think about it, while I go take orders for these nine other tables I just got.

Customer: Well, hang on, hang on, we’re ready to order. So, could I have the stuffed salmon, only without the spinach?

Server #3: No!

—–

Coffee guy: Eh! Eh!

Server #1: Sorry, Miguel, I know you don’t like me in your station, but I don’t have time to explain to you-

Coffee guy: -eh, eh, eh! What? What?

Server #1: –what I need, and so I’m just going to – out of my way, man! I’m just going to grab it myself real fast-

Coffee guy: What you want? What you want? Eh! EH!

Server #1: One minute, uno momento, I will be out of your way, muy hurry, hurry, no tiempo-

Coffee guy: Eh?

Server #1: Just need to grab a cup here, and some milk, milk, uh, leche-

Coffee guy: Cago en tu leche.

Server #1: Very good, bueno, gracias. You’re my main man, Miguel!

At this point, I noticed that my customer had put his credit card down, which surprised me, as he did not appear to be finished with his entrée. I went up to his table and asked if he’d like anything else. Previously, he had been friendly and communicative, but now he would not look at me and said curtly, ‘No, I’m done.’

His card, of course, bore the name of the celebrity under discussion.

Embarrassed and unsure of what to do, I ran the card and set the check folder down on his table.

‘Have a nice evening, sir,’ I said.

He grunted, not looking at me.

I returned to my coworkers, still holding a lively debate at the server station, and discreetly informed them of our faux pas. We all scooted conspicuously out of the server station and around the corner, out of sight. One of my coworkers looked back, and noticed the celebrity chuckling to himself as he signed his check. He then ran out of the restaurant, a ball cap pulled over his face.

On a $60 check, he had left me a $100 tip.

Touché, Mystery Celebrity.