Archive for ‘Work’

September 24, 2011

No One’s Hiring Elephants Right Now

Say that you’re trying to get work as, I don’t know, an elephant. Because, while it wouldn’t be your dream job or anything – maybe you’d really like to be a tiger – you’ve actually been working as a vole for the past however many years, and elephant would be a big step up for you, and you think you’d be a really good elephant, because every time you’ve done it for free, everyone’s been really happy with you, but it’s impossible to get work as an elephant if you don’t have over 5 years of professional experience as an elephant, and it’s really frustrating and makes you feel like a total idiot.

So then, you meet someone and/or read some article by someone who’s like, “Oh, I’m an elephant. It’s so embarrassing to admit, because everyone’s like, ‘Oh, you’re an elephant? Wow. That’s lame.’ I try not to tell anyone I’m an elephant. I never wanted to be an elephant at all, but it’s just what I fell into while trying to be a tiger, and any stupid fool can be an elephant, it’s just the easiest crap job.”

And so then you’re like, “Yeah, being an elephant sure is humiliating. I’M A DAMN VOLE*!”

This advice holds true for all the time, but particularly in this recession: Don’t speak disparagingly of what you have, because your fall-back job is someone else’s ten year end goal.


*At which point, you offend a nearby flea who is trying really hard to break into being a vole.

June 22, 2010

Backwards Compliment

Woman in the elevator:  “I wish I could dress like that.  For work.  That’s a definite perk.”

I thought I looked nice!

December 4, 2008

Distant Rumblings

For weeks now, the rumblings have been distant and low, but each day, they grow closer: echoes of a distant dread. Through the subterranean tunnels, it comes, the Balrog – ambition withers in its path, dreams splinter and snap. Deep into the city where the willful urban twixter po’ folk dwell, with their no benefits, their clothes from six years ago, their hopeful new iphones. It comes even for them, the Nothing, wiping out all in its path. Even those small, powerless grubs who have elected to find a little-noticed crevice on a larger creature, and hunker down there, making no noise, causing little harm, silently sucking…they, too, will be dragged forth, out into the glaring light of day, and counted. The fire of this crisis leaves no pore unscoured – even the armpits and nostrils of the corporate beasts will be flushed clean.

It comes. Closer and closer, it comes. It sucks up years, it grays youth, it brings forth the sweat from even the most habitually sedated brow…

It comes. It comes. It comes for you. RUN!!!!

September 17, 2008

A Hump Day Haiku

Those who remove sta-
-ple removers from copy
rooms should be shot dead.

June 3, 2008

Humanities Majors Strike!!

Humanities majors have gone on a citywide strike in New York City.

“There’s no need to bother anymore,” says Anna Diggs, a 27-year-old former marketing employee. “My rent has gone up every year, but I’ve never gotten a raise. And I just got a big tax refund since I made less than $18,000 last year, and I realized it was actually enough to cover my expenses for a couple months. So, I quit.”

While the humanities majors hold many different positions over a wide spectrum of industries, the actual job descriptions for all of them are strikingly similar.

“I basically surf the Internet and occasionally answer the phone,” says Marie Johnson, administrative assistant at a financial firm. “My two roommates both have nearly identical positions at other firms. I make $14/hour, Trish makes $18/hour and Erin makes $25/hour. We were all three placed through the same temp agency that’s been making $35/hour off each of us for the past year-and-a-half. Which is about how long it’s been since I went to a dentist.”

In the wake of the striking humanities majors, HR managers and temp agencies have been deluged with resumes from retail, restaurant, hotel and other minimum-wage workers.

“Frankly, I’ll do anything,” says Becca Horstead, a 48-year-old single mother of two, who currently works at a Borders. “They can pay me whatever they want, just so long as it’s over $7.15 an hour, and they let me sit my ass in a chair.”

These resumes, however, have been not been greeted with enthusiasm.

“I don’t know,” said Myra Beckinridge, HR-manager at Wees & Luxembaum LLC. “Since Katy [the file clerk for the heath care law division] left, Beatrice from word processing has been doing her work. And she’s applied for the position, but she’s…well, I don’t…”

Beckinridge paused for a moment before continuing.

“What I mean to say is, this position just demands too much responsibility for someone without a college degree.”

Asked for comment, Beatrice Jones replied, “I have a B.A. from CUNY! Did she even glance at my damn resume?”

Many employers are doubting whether they’ll replace the humanities majors at all.

“I’m thinking it’s really not that big a workload,” says Dennis Masterson at Techmode, a strategizing and data management firm. “What I might do is, just turn that paid position into several, part-time unpaid internships. We could get a couple smart, young college kids to come in a couple times a week and do this for college credit or something.”

Unpaid internships are nothing new to jobhunter, Matthew Bender, a 28-year-old former assistant copywriter.

“I’d been working at this trade publication for two years, through a temp agency,” Bender explains. “And I had my performance review, and my boss said he was really happy with me. I asked for benefits and a raise, and he said that I was a temp, and they couldn’t afford to hire me on right now. So, I quit and started looking for other editing or copywriting jobs – all the ones I found were fulltime jobs, but the publications had them listed as unpaid internships. What freaking idiots are doing all this work for free?”

When asked about his plans, Bender is noncommittal.

“I mean, being unemployed is nice, and not really that different,” Bender says. “I still sit at my computer all day for no money, only now I can wear jeans, and I don’t spend $10 on lunch.”

“In this economy,” says Techmode’s Masterson. “We really can’t afford to pay our employees.”

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