Archive for ‘Technology’

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May 27, 2008

Bridges

A dozen cool bridges:

A bridge inspires us. A bridge overcomes an obstacle and connects someplace to someplace else, with strength and often with grace and beauty. A bridge lets us go to the other side.

I don’t know about all that, but these are neat looking bridges, regardless. The only one that I’ve walked over is the Ponte Vecchio.

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Shocker! CDM is a big, old mess:

Leading academics and watchdog groups allege that the UN’s main offset fund is being routinely abused by chemical, wind, gas and hydro companies who are claiming emission reduction credits for projects that should not qualify. The result is that no genuine pollution cuts are being made, undermining assurances by the UK government and others that carbon markets are dramatically reducing greenhouse gases, the researchers say.

(via Majikthise)

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Interesting summary of Sen. Durbin’s recent hearing on Global Internet Freedom:

Durbin said he called the hearing to examine “the role that American companies play in internet censorship, and displayed a lot of passion on the issue. He asked whether Congress should find that it’s wrong for an American company to in any way cooperate with censorship and repression.

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You know, if the worst “the Man” has to fear is vegans and Critical Mass bicyclists, I’d say he can safely fire his food taster and stretch out in his throne.

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A prediction: I predict that when Obama gets the nomination, we’re going to have whole crapload of articles about how all of Clinton’s female supporters are now supporting McCain (even though there won’t be any actual evidence of this) because (and this will certainly not be overtly stated, only heavily implied) women are so freaking stupid that they don’t understand or care about real political issues – they just wanted a girl, and now they’re pissed.

Of course, I could be totally wrong, and we won’t see any articles like this. Shall we take bets now?

Posted in Feminism, People, Politics, Science, Technology | 2 Comments »

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March 6, 2008

Whoopee!! Today We Are One!!!!!!!

Happy birthday, dear readers! One year ago today, Accismus was born.

I cannot tell you all how happy I am about having kept this blog up and running for a year. As I might have mentioned a couple hundred times, 2007 was a slow year for me, and writing this blog was undoubtedly the best part of it. Other than really forcing me to crank out some words at least once a week for a full year (!!!), it’s been a wonderful way to keep in touch with old friends and reach out to new people. The readership of this blog has expanded from a small circle of friends and family, to new acquaintances, to regulars I’ve never even met. Thanks to all of you, for being so supportive and great (and also for tactfully avoiding comment when I’ve had to phone a post in from time to time). If any of you miss the constant feedback and reinforcement of turning in school papers, I highly recommend you start a blog: nothing perks up your day like getting an email that someone’s commented on a post.

The one-year marker seems a good time to share with you some of the behind-the-scenes blog stuff that amuses and interests me. Obviously, this blog really shot up the google rolls with the igoogle teahouse fox post, and that post continues to get the most traffic. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t get at least some hits.

I am sorry to report that I now know for certain how seldom I am googled, but I am googled sometimes, and it’s fun for me to speculate as to who might be interested. Incidentally, every single fictional first and last name I’ve made up for a post has been googled at some point. And, shockingly, there is apparently no commercial jingle or slogan so obscure or so dumb that several people every day aren’t googling it for some reason.

I especially enjoy getting hits where I know that the person searching was probably utterly confused or disappointed by what they found here. This includes the tons of people searching weekly for ‘tips on how to meet men,’ ‘how to meet men when you’re single,’ ‘ten ways to meet men,’ etcetera. I also get hits for ‘I love women,’ ‘I hate women,’ ‘Women are dumb,’ or simply ‘Wimmin.’ Also probably disappointed customers. And finally, I love that everyone searching for ‘how to deal with a poor listener’ is taken to my post on that topic. I really, really hope they actually implement my suggestions.

Then, there are the really freaking weird searches. I get a lot of hits for people looking for ‘nasty old widows,’ and frankly, I can’t for the life of me figure out what post is bringing them here. I don’t remember having mentioned anything about widows, but I must have at some point. There are also a lot of searches for ‘girl with snakes.’ And lately ‘Clinton Scientology,’ which, is that an actual rumor? Ever since I put up that alien page, there have been a lot of really bizarre searches around some variation of aliens taking over the world. My all time favorite, however, had to be ‘dead preacher on the couch.’ I love that someone was searching for that, and even more, I love that it brought them here.

Anyway, happy one-year birthday, everyone. I look forward to another, even better blog year ahead!

Smooches,
Elizabeth

Posted in Technology, Writing | Leave a Comment »

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February 27, 2008

Maybe We Should Just Have a Monarchy

As the primaries roll on, I’ve noticed some good articles about how stupid we all are:

First of all, in last week’s New Yorker, Elizabeth Kolbert writes about studies that suggest much of our decision-making is entirely at the mercy of random suggestion.

Second, next Tuesday is National Grammar Day, which thoroughly disgusts actual linguists. Note that, in this particular instance, the poor grammar itself is not disgusting the linguists, but rather the fact that on NGD those of us who fancy ourselves well-spoken might go about rudely and pedantically correcting supposed transgressions that are often actually acceptable turns of phrase.

And finally, Slate bemoans the not-so-democratic editors of Wikipedia and other social-media sites. I completely disagree with this article’s premise that it would be a good thing to make Wikipedia and other sites more truly open to input by the general public: that’s only a good idea if you want Wikipedia to totally suck. For proof, try and research anything at all on Yahoo! Answers, which is trying to become a more truly democratic version of Wikipedia. I have ended up on Yahoo! Answers many times over the past month, and I have been amazed at how consistently moronic and out-and-out wrong is every, single last Yahoo! Answer. I mean, it’s just a giant, sprawling site of useless nonsense. Not only are the majority of user-supplied answers to each topic erroneous, but there is never even one single correct bit of information buried anywhere within their midst!

It’s not a bad thing that information sites tend to be controlled by a small group of experts, because experts know things, and everyone else really, really doesn’t. I myself would never edit a Wikipedia entry (unless I were creating one about myself), because, like most insufferable know-it-alls, I don’t actually know anything about anything, and while that sure won’t shut me up, at least I confine my uninformed effusions to my own personal blog. This here is presumably a humor blog, but I don’t even know much about humor: according to WordPress’s list of daily most popular blogs, the vast majority of the browsing public think that the funniest thing to be found online is an endless series of photos of cats, captioned with babyish gibberish. People think this is hilarious! Well, you won’t get that here, because just like Wikipedia, Accismus is not a democracy. This is my own tiny totalitarian bunker on the www, and I can do whatever I want in it.

I’m starting to revise my opinions about the Electoral College…perhaps the founders were right not to trust us.

Posted in Misanthropy, Politics, Technology | 1 Comment »

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November 26, 2007

My Profile: A Data-Entry Clerk’s Foray Into Web-Based Social-Networking

I am a data-entry clerk by day. By night, I watch a lot of television, and sometimes I go over to my friend Brian’s house and watch television there. I do not play sports, nor do I enjoy things. I have a college degree in history, but now I enter the circulation numbers of various newspapers in spreadsheet format. Like, how many copies of a paper were dropped off at each location, and how many were picked back up at the end of the…never mind, I don’t care about it, and I’m sure it is not interesting to you, either, unless you are stupid. I am single, but I don’t date, because there are no available women at the place where I work. I hope that an available woman might look at this page, and email me. Brian said that that might happen.

I have never traveled, and I don’t often eat out at restaurants. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I eat at Peter’s, which is an Italian place that also serves gyros. I like gyros. Sort of. I mean, I’m not wild about them. Once Brian was emailed by a woman in his area who wanted to go to a movie with him. He made a date with her, but she did not show up. But maybe she did show up, and he just didn’t recognize her. Sometimes people look different from their pictures. My picture is of me in college. I look the same now, except I have lost a little weight. Most people gain weight as they get older, but I have lost it. I think it is because I used to go out drinking a lot in college, but now I do not do that, because Brian doesn’t drink.

There is one nice thing about my job, and that is that we have free coffee, and there are flavored coffees. I don’t like the flavored coffees, but it is nice to have the option. I don’t like too many options, though, because sometimes you can be paralyzed by choice. Something similar happened to me after college. When I graduated, I wasn’t sure which way to go, and that was an upsetting realization. I enjoy simplicity, to a reasonable degree. I have only three colors in my wardrobe, which seems to me to be a perfect choice. It would be dull and a bit insane to have only black clothing (though I have considered it), but I have found that the more colors introduced, the earlier I have to get up to pick. Currently, I have black pants, and jeans, and green and blue tops. That is what I consider a reasonable wardrobe.

I enjoy sleeping very much. It is healthy, satisfying, free of charge, and can be enjoyed by everyone. If I could, I would probably sleep all the time. I would say sleeping is my favorite thing to do. I have sometimes thought that a dog would be nice to have. But I worry about dogs. Even just thinking about sleeping makes me happy. Sometimes about three in the afternoon, I think about how I will sleep later, and I feel good from my head to my toes. If I were going to travel (and I don’t think I will), one place I might like to go is Prague. Brian has been to France, Spain and the U.K.

The thing about dogs is, they are kind of like slaves. I worry that a dog might be deeply unhappy with his overall life, but so simply pleased by whatever food or affection is coming his way currently that he can forget about it for the time being. But if that is the case, that dog would be better off dead. Brian has a cat, and the cat seems reasonably happy to me, and also not like a slave, because I’m pretty sure that cat could get away from Brian if she took a notion. I do not like cats, however; they remind me of a series of nightmares I had as a boy.

One movie I love is Dog Day Afternoon. ATTICA!!!

I do not much follow the news, but Brian was once on the news because he got into an accident. He was driving a car, but was very drunk, and he ran into the side of a school bus. It was 8:30 a.m. No children were hurt, but Brian got into a lot of trouble anyway. And I think that was right. That was two years ago, and Brian stopped drinking right after, and so I stopped drinking, too, because he was my drinking buddy. I don’t think there’s too much harm in drinking if you can leave off when it’s time, which I can, but Brian is an alcoholic.

I didn’t much care for school myself, but I didn’t hate it, either. The nice thing about school was lunch. And routine. I drive a Buick Sentry, a red one. It’s alright; I don’t much care about cars. And I have only been on a plane a couple of times. If a woman reads this and would be interested in going to Peter’s with me, I will be there at 8:00 p.m. this coming Friday. I will be wearing a blue top and black pants, and I look just like the photo above, except I am a little thinner.

Posted in Dating, Humor, People, Technology, Travel, Work | Leave a Comment »

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November 4, 2007

Hiatus

I appear to have gone on a brief hiatus. I had not informed myself of this, and I am currently making every effort to track myself down and demand an explanation. I promise that this blog will be back in service, as soon as I locate myself. I’d better have a damn good excuse for my truancy.

Posted in Technology, Writing | 1 Comment »

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August 2, 2007

My Summer Vacation

I’m at the beach (jealous?), with the world’s slowest internet connection. Seriously, it was faster in Laos. I’ll post something new early next week.

I know everyone was terribly concerned.

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July 3, 2007

Ode to igoogle’s Teahouse Theme

You torture me, teahouse fox. I sit at this desk, nine-to-five, five days a week (if I’m lucky: sometimes much longer), thinking, worrying, slaving and perspiring, and all in pursuit of what? Money? Success? Respect? The ever-elusive American dream?Maybe you’ve got the right idea, teahouse fox. Living your pastoral existence. Picking oranges, doing laundry, having tea on the dock in the evenings. That’s life, right there. You don’t care about money. You don’t care about fame. You don’t even seem to need the companionship of other foxes: fireflies, geese and caterpillars seem to give you all the company you need. You taunt me with your contentment. As I am madly reviewing accounts and formatting spreadsheets, you are rowing your boat around the pond. How Thoreau-ish of you.

–

I’ve just returned from a horrid afternoon meeting, in which my boss demanded the impossible, ranted incoherently, and dripped sweat onto the Powerpoint slides. You meanwhile, are playing some sort of stringed instrument as you sit on the end of your dock. Some childhood memory stirs in me: my feet swinging through the cool breeze, a glass of lemonade clutched in my little hand, the first evening stars glowing in a purple sky. But most likely, I am merely remembering some Country Time ad: my childhood was spent in front of the television in the den of a suburban McMansion.

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Hungover and late today. Boss read me the riot act. Teahouse fox, how do you manage it? Near as I can tell, you do not light your incense and tuck into your sleeping bag until at least 2:00 a.m., yet you are always fishing at the end of your dock long before I am awake. I suppose leading a life of simple pleasures does not necessitate much rest.

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I’ve just been to lunch with Sheila from marketing. I’d always been intimidated by her attractiveness, but it turns out, she’s totally down-to-earth, and she seems kind of lonely. She had salmon, and I had a bacon cheeseburger. You’ve probably never had one of those, teahouse fox, and let me tell you, you are missing out. I see you’re doing your laundry again. What are those white things, and how do you get them so filthy that you need to wash them every afternoon? I never see you dirtying any linens. Perhaps you take in other people’s laundry to pay for the rent on your teahouse. Which you never seem to enter.

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Yearly reviews today. Great news, teahouse fox! I’ve been promoted!!! I have a new office, with a window. And I got a raise, too! And best of all, I asked Sheila out to a fancy dinner to celebrate, and she said yes!!!! I see you’re taking your usual row around the lake, accompanied by that baby chick. Have fun with that.

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You might be interested in this, teahouse fox: I’ve been looking at lakefront properties, just like yours! Except not like yours at all, because these are huge and comfortable, and I would never have to sleep outside the door.

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Listen, teahouse fox. We need to talk. Your theme isn’t doing it for me anymore: the never-ending cycle of your simple, daily chores has begun to depress me. I’ve been waiting for you to feel some ambition, get motivated, make something new happen in your life, but frankly, I don’t think you’ve got the drive. We’re just not in the same place anymore, teahouse fox, so I’m going to go with a new theme.

In case you’re wondering, I’m going with Seasonal Scape. The frog and the ladybug chug caffeine and play at least three sports every day. Now, that’s what I call energy!

Posted in Humor, Technology, Work | 48 Comments »

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July 3, 2007

Text Messaging Has Its Upside

While cell phones have pretty much put an end to prank calling (what do 12-year-olds do at slumber parties these days?), text messaging sometimes leads to its own kind of awesomeness. I get a lot of wrong numbers, and quite a few texts that are clearly meant to go to somebody else. While some of these depress me (I once got one just as my work shift was beginning that said, ‘Hey, sweetie – just to say I love you, and have a good day!’ and I was thrilled for a minute, until I realized it had to be a mistake), some are highly entertaining, like this one from five minutes ago:

‘Happy 4th of July Iris! Enjoy the holiday! This is FRED, long time! Remember, bar in Flushing.’

Posted in Technology | 1 Comment »

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June 29, 2007

Yet Another MySpace Quiz

1. How often do you check MySpace?

(a) Once a year.
(b) Quarterly.
(c) Daily.
(d) With each pulse.

2. Reason you are taking this quiz:

(a) I am a fourteen-year-old girl.
(b) I am desperately lonely and hope that someone out there is actually reading my answers to all of these interminable quizzes and finding me intriguing.
(c) I work a desk job.
(d) I have short-term memory loss, so each of these quizzes that I receive seems fresh and whimsical to m–WHERE AM I???????

3. What is your job?

(a) I am on unemployment.
(b) I am on workers’ comp.
(c) I worked last year.
(d) My father worked enough for six generations.
(e) I work two full-time jobs for minimum wage, and only have time to answer this question, because I am at the public library on my smoke break trying to do a bit of research, and I am only allowed 30 minutes per session: does anyone know when the next presidential election is?

4. What is your political affiliation?

(a) I am against liberals.
(b) I am against conservatives.
(c) I am an uninformed centrist.
(d) I am changing the subject.

5. What is your religion?

(a) I believe that God exists, but that he hates us. Especially me.
(b) I believe in what I believe to be Zen Buddhist tenets.
(c) I believe in bottling water and endowing it with various emotions. (Mock all you want – I have more friends than you do.)
(d) I believe in my superiority to people with beliefs.
(e) I am a Southern Baptist. (Mock all you want – I have more friends than you do.)

6. What do you most desire in life?

(a) Fame.
(b) Fame.
(c) Fame.
(d) Money. To buy fame with.

7. Where do you live?

(a) Urban, aspiring to suburban.
(b) Suburban, aspiring to urban.
(c) Expat.
(d) Florida.

8. How would you gauge your self-esteem?

(a) I’m taking this quiz, aren’t I?
(b) I’d like to take this opportunity to issue a blanket apology for my existence.
(c) I’m currently replicating myself ad nauseam in various artworks.
(d) I’m a middle child.

9. Do you consider yourself attractive?

(a) No, but I’m constantly working on it. This week: soul patch!
(b) I have accepted my personal shortcomings, and purchased a bride from Southeast Asia.
(c) Everyone is constantly telling me how attractive I am, and consequently, I am hated by all.
(d) I go out of my way to put others off. This week: loud, theatrical horking!

10. What is your greatest fear?

(a) Obscurity.
(b) Dying alone.
(c) Public humiliation.
(d) Spiders.
(e) Getting the runs when I’m at my boyfriend’s apartment.

11. Pepsi or Coke?

(a) Pepsi.
(b) Coke.
(c) Weed.
(d) I am opposed to large corporations, junk food, and humor.

12. What is your relationship status?

(a) I am single, and freaking out about it.
(b) I am married, and freaking out about it.
(c) I have given up.
(d) I am currently shopping for one on-line.
(e) I have recently switched my sexual orientation, and am hella excited about it.

13. Do you like your life?

(a) Does a monk like to flog himself?
(b) Only when I’m eating.
(c) I liked it last year.
(d) Only when I’m high.
(e) Not especially, but if you try to take it, I’ll put five rounds in your face.

14. Where were you five years ago?

(a) In this chair.
(b) In junior high school.
(c) In the pokey.
(d) Not where I believed myself to be at the time.
(e) At a Slipknot concert.

15. Where do you see yourself in five more years?

(a) In this chair.
(b) At Clemson.
(c) Driving my hovercraft.
(d) Looking back in anger.
(e) Taking advantage of our new universal health care system, provided I can just hang on till then.

16. What is your fondest childhood memory?

(a) Watching X-Men.
(b) Watching Jen and the Holograms.
(c) Watching Chip ‘N Dale, Rescue Rangers.
(d) Watching my daddy drive away.

17. What’s the first thing you think when you get up in the morning?

(a) I’ll just snooze for seven more hours.
(b) Who is that?
(c) Time for a cocktail!
(d) I practice polyphasic sleep, so the question should really be, ‘What’s the first thing you think when you get up every three hours?’ And the answer is, ‘I’m hallucinating from exhaustion.’

18. What’s your proudest moment?

(a) The time I donated fifty bucks to the Red Cross after Katrina, and then found a fifty-dollar bill on the subway.
(b) The time I was chosen to appear on What Not to Wear.
(c) The time I straight up told my ma what I really think of her.
(d) The day I finished my nanowrimo novel.

19. What’s your favorite holiday?

(a) National Talk Like a Pirate Day.
(b) My divorcery.
(b) Bloomsday.
(d) Billie.

20. When was the last time you cried?

(a) When I saw Wedding Crashers.
(b) When I came to and realized I’d thrown up all the pills.
(c) Birth.
(d) I’m crying now.

Posted in Humor, Technology | 1 Comment »

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