Archive for ‘Technology’

February 11, 2010

Barely Exaggerated Questions from Bunny Health Forums

Q: My bun Chester has a blood coming out his eyes. Is this normal? Should I call the vet?
2 replies

Q: Have had Pook for two years about, doe, want to breed her butt she is not intrsted in Thomas (male lop). Can she be gay? Or mebe Thomas is not male?
14 replies

Q: My dwarf rabbit, Bun-Chums, keeps biting me whenever I pick him up to cuddle. Help! Should I pull his teeth out?
47 replies

Q: My son gave rat poison to Tibbens, and when I tried to make her throw it up (went to put pencil down her throat), she bit me. Is this normal behavior? She’s never bit me before! Also, should I feed her something to get the poison out?
25 replies

Q: If I wanta et these rabbit, should i make him deworm fust? Anny advise on home to do – can’t pay vet!!!
114 replies

Q: To the ‘Anonymous’ person who responded that breeders are terrible and cause the death of countless unwanted bunnies in shelters, may I just say that I am a proud breeder of rabbits, and that I am very careful with my rabbits, and responsible, and make sure they all go to good homes. And so, it is not my fault that there are unwanted shelter bunnies. That is of course very sad, but this is my hobby, and everyone has a hobby. Do you can’t enjoy your dinner because you worry about Africa? So why shouldn’t I enjoy my hobby? And for the record, I am aged 5 and sign my real name, so ‘Anonymous,’ have some courage. – Cindy Peters-Rogers, Age 5
6 replies

Q: My bun leap around and roll onda floor. Do thismean he happy? Whatchoo think?????
0 replies

Q: My husband died two days ago, and I think my lop, Misty, is in mourning! She is listless, sad, won’t eat…What can I do to help her get back to her old happy, hoppy self?
5 replies

Q: Jiggles has been lying still for three days, in his own urine and his hay, not eating or pooping. But he is breathing. Is this be something wrong? Time to call vet?!?
2 replies

Q: Well, Cindy Peters-Rogers, Age 5, you have an EVIL hobby, and you are a HORRIBLE 5-year-old BUNNY MURDERER!!! I hope you enjoy your HOBBY, CINDY!! Don’t let all those dead bunnies bother you, just keep adding to the pile!!!
P.S. FYI, I NEVER enjoy my dinner, and am ALWAYS worrying about Africa, so don’t ASSume, get it, ASS???
-Anonymous, Age 43
56 replies

Q: My rabbit, Periwinkle, just exploded, spraying fur and blood in all directions, and now I can’t find anything left of her. Is this something to worry about? Should I consult my vet?
20 replies

February 1, 2010

11

I have not been blogging much lately, and so, in the style of the blog 11 Points, here are 11 things that I have been spending my time on lately, and enjoying immensely. All highly recommended:

1. Gail Collins. The New York Times was long overdue for a female columnist who wasn’t Maureen Dowd, and Gail Collins is more than the Times deserves: tart, smart, funny and perceptive, her takes on the issues of the day are both informative and cathartic. I just checked out one of her books, America’s Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates, and Heroines, but have only read the first chapter so far. I’ll let you know how it is. Also, in addition to her columns, Collins’s conversations with David Brooks are a treat. I have to confess, in the past, I have occasionally liked David Brooks, but he’s been heinous lately, and as his tenure at the Times goes on, he contradicts himself ever more blatantly. I dearly love a good journo fight, and Matt Taibbi (an occasional guilty pleasure for me, I’ll admit – his reportage may be spotty, but sometimes you just need a good, unapologetic rant) has lately been picking Brooks’s columns up in his teeth and shaking them back and forth until their necks snap.

2. The public library. I like to write in my books, dogear them, and read them in the shower, so for years, I insisted on buying books and keeping them in piles along my baseboards. But I don’t make that kind of money these days, and have finally learned to make good use of the public library. Yes, the inability to write in the books is a serious handicap, but otherwise, I am a total library convert. There’s a small branch near my house, and I can order whatever I want through the system to be delivered there, and they notify me by email when my holds are ready. Best of all, you can renew your books on the computer, and as long as nobody puts a hold on them, you can renew them indefinitely (I’ve renewed one 12 times already). And all for not one red cent (not counting city taxes). Beat that, Kindle.

3. Susan Schorn’s McSweeney’s column. I go back and forth on McSweeney’s, and particularly on their columnists. Some are good, some are boring, many have long outlived their original gimmick, good for only a post or two, but weirdly extended. But one of their new columns, Susan Schorn’s meditations on martial arts, self-defense, anger, weakness, and related topics, is fantastic – and not just because I’m into karate lately. I agree with Schorn about everything, and wish she lived next door to me, so that I could bother her all the time (and all of her other humor pieces are great, too). Speaking of karate:

4. Shotokan karate. I have been training at a local dojo since August (I’m currently a yellow belt), and I am obsessed. Fantastic exercise, and a wonderful outlet for pent-up aggression, karate is sport, art form, self-defense training and a study in focus and discipline, all in one. I try to make three classes a week, and, while I still couldn’t beat up a four-year-old, my kiai has deepened from Chihuahua to Rottweiler.

5. Jezebel and The Awl. I am putting these together, because my enjoyment of them is similar. For some reason, when Jezebel debuted, I immediately decided that I didn’t care for it. I can’t remember what about it offended me, because I’ve really been enjoying it lately. In addition to the progressive and feminist news alerts, there are hearty round-ups of celebrity gossip. And while I am not interested enough in celebrity garbage to actually read up on it, I must admit, do I want to know when Brad and Angie finally break it off, or when Lindsay Lohan ODs in a club bathroom, or when somebody has a major weight reversal? Yes! Yes, okay? I do want to know that! I admit it! But I don’t need to know the deets – I just want a headline and a photo, and that’s what Jezebel delivers. Now, The Awl, helmed by former Gawker editor, Choire Sicha (aka the only person who ever wrote for Gawker that I actually liked), is a hilarious, well-written chronicle of all things that would particularly interest…well, Brooklyn dwelling, underemployed pseudo-writers like moi. Plus, it is one of those lovely, rare blogs in which the commenters expand on (and often outshine) the posts. Kinder than Gawker and sharper than The Gothamist, The Awl fits just right.  If I could only read one blog, this would probably be it.

6. Amanda Palmer. The former Dresdan Doll has an awesome solo album. Plus, she’s engaged to Neil Gaiman, and showed up at The Golden Globes with her boobs and her pit hair out. She’s a fucking badass.

7. Small, well-done, original blogs. Tiring of sprawling, massive, constantly updating blogs, I have lately been discovering small, creative, focused sites that do one thing and do it well. Edith Zimmerman writes hilarious very short stories. Tom Oatmeal (who I found through EZ) makes milk come out my nose. And firmuhment is continually brilliant and original – scanned documents that inspire essays, short stories, and humor. I’m not sure if firmuhment is a single author deal or a team effort, but every post has obviously had a lot of work put into it, and I appreciate that.

8. Firefox’s new skins. I spent the lion’s share of my day staring at my browser, so anything that makes it more visually appealing makes me happy. Firefox’s new skins are a small adjustment that, surprisingly, makes a big difference. Currently, I’m enjoying Spring II. Goes well with my igoogle theme.

9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I resisted getting into this back in high school when everyone was super into it, and haven’t gotten into it since, because I didn’t want to consume seven seasons of TV. But my coworker has them all on DVD. Uncle, okay? I’m through six seasons already, and ready to register as an official member of the Joss Whedon fanbase. In addition to the overall awesomeness of the series, I enjoy identifying basic karate moves in the fight choreography.

10. My new phone. After three shameful years of hitchhiking on my parents’ family plan, I finally ponied up and got my own phone plan, and a phone with a full keyboard and a camera. And man, it makes a huge difference! I no longer wince at the sound of a text message arriving: it doesn’t take me a year to peck out a response anymore, and my phone looks cool and is really fun to use. And yesterday, when my brunch coffee came in a giant bowl with no handle, I was able to document it quickly and easily, no forethought required.

11. My rabbit, Thomasina. Thomasina is so freaking adorable!! And I love having a pet! This was a good move. She’s my little pal, and she does hilarious things and entertains me, and she’s cuddly and fun. Right now, for example, I am trying to write, and she is collapsing her little grass hut on top of her head, and making eyes at the rabbit she thinks lives in my closet mirror! OMG, she’s a gas. I won’t work at all today.

July 20, 2009

Damn It, Google

I love all of Google’s programs. Gmail is fantastic, I like my igoogle page, I love my Google feed reader, and I love Google Docs (although I think Blogger totally blows). I realize that Google now has complete and total access to pretty much my entire brain, and I have no privacy whatsoever, and all of my writings and emails and searches, and everything I’ve ever bought, and all the books I’ve looked into, and everything I’ve read and thought to save or extract is all retained by Google in an easy-to-retrieve file that can be exposed at any time to anyone, and that I have basically asked for it, having thoughtlessly given Google all of this information because it’s just too easy to do so and rather difficult not to.

I’m ok with all of this.

But what I am not ok with is that Google – as well as it knows me – is absolutely certain that I would like to turn all of my applications into social networking sites. First, Gmail was retooled in such a way that the horrid gchat was featured prominently in a sidebar – even in my igoogle page! – impossible to get rid of. For the longest time (though I will admit this has since been fixed) gchat kept signing me in over and over again, even though I had my settings indicating I never wanted to be signed in.

And can I just take a second here to explain why I despise gchat, AIM and the like? Despite having come of age in the glory days of AIM, I have never used chat, because I think it’s really fucking obnoxious. If I’m browsing online, it’s because that’s what I want to be doing right then. I’m not waiting for someone to pop up in the middle of whatever I’m looking at, and deliver me from my contemplation with small talk. Chatting is what I do when I have the pleasure of someone’s actual company – and preferably, there will also be drinks, or summer sun or some other added sweetener. I put up with occasionally tiresome chatting because it’s nice to be with people. So, why on Earth would I want the chatting without the people? That’s like wanting commercials without programming!

So, anyway, imagine my spitting fury when I signed into my google reader the other day to find that google has added some sort of ‘share network’ bullshit in the sidebar that you can sign out of (or just refuse to participate in), but cannot get rid of altogether. Why the hell would anybody want to turn their feed reader into a social sharing site? There are all kinds of places where people can post a running tally of what articles they are reading if they so desire – Twitter, Facebook, their blogs, posting a ‘my feeds’ widget in the sidebar of their blog. Apparently, that’s not enough – some people want other people actually reading over their shoulder at all times! Well, I don’t want people in my feed reader, or in my email inbox, or in my Netflix cue or in my Amazon checkout cart. I don’t care if other people do (although I don’t understand it), but there should at least be some way to completely opt out of all this stuff, and not have it continually coming up.

And now at the top of all my items in my feed reader, there’s a stupid little cartoon face with ‘X-number of people liked this!’ next to it, and if you click on that, it gives you the user names of all x-number of gazillion people who clicked that they liked that particular item. Come on, Google! Do I really fucking care that iceprincess3 liked something Ezra Klein posted? No! No one does! Let me read my feeds in peace.

And let me hasten to add that I love spending quality time with people in the flesh. I love having actual, live conversations with people. I love getting emails from people. I love reading other people’s substantive blog posts, that they’ve put time and effort into, and I love love love it when people get into a dialogue here on my blog, where I post things I actually want to communicate to people, and while my posts may not always be brilliant (or even slightly interesting), no one ever has to come here and read my blog – I don’t pop my posts up in the faces of all of my friends while they’re trying to read the NY Times Op-Ed page or whatever.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I love Google. I use nearly all their tools and have given my reputation entirely into their keeping. I just don’t love these sharing, chat and otherwise pointless features in areas that have absolutely no need to be networking platforms. There are plenty of places to go out and mingle online; I don’t see why some things can’t remain (cosmetically) private.

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May 19, 2009

On the Kindle

Initially, as with most new tech gadgets, I didn’t understand how this device was any different from a small portable internet thing, like an iphone or a blackberry, or anything else.  As far as books go, I much prefer to read them in 3-D.  But then, somebody raved about how with the Kindle, you can lie in bed and read without your arms getting tired.  And I thought, well, that alone is reason enough to want one.  Then, I thought about backpacking and how toting books (and finding good English-language books) was a huge hassle, and thought, well, that’s a really good reason to want one.

But then I looked at the offerings on Amazon, and they hardly had any of the titles on my book list.  Meanwhile, titles are around $10, and I’ve been a devoted library user for a couple of years now.  With the library system, the selection is much, much better and it’s entirely free.  The only annoying part is, I can’t make notes in the margins and anything in the book I might want to refer to later for whatever reason, I have to type out before I return it.  With the Kindle, I suppose that would not be a problem, although I don’t recall if there’s a feature where you can make margin notes, but I’m sure if there isn’t, there will be eventually.  So, I think I’d probably like to have one, once they expand the selection of available titles.

However, today I read this:

As widely reported, Amazon.com opened the floodgates last week, making it easy for weblogs to get on Kindle. Like their Marketplace-model, this is an easy way for them to make money as the middleman, at little cost and trouble: as they take a whopping 70% of the subscription price Kindle owners are willing to pay for this content — a price Amazon reserves the right to set (i.e. no giving away your blog for free or at a token price) — they should fare fairly well, even if not too many people subscribe. 

I really can’t see paying to read blogs on a Kindle that I already read for free all day long on the computer (or portable internet device of any other type other than the Kindle).  There’s been a disturbing amount of consensus lately (amongst All Them who blog and so forth) that the honeyed days of bountiful free online content are coming rapidly to an end, and that – however incrementally - providers are going to start charging for content.  Perish the thought. 

Honestly, I love blogs, but they’re rather an unhealthy and time-consuming addiction for me.  If my free supply were to be cut off, I don’t think I would pay for it – first of all, because I rarely pay for anything ever (the only time I ever listened to music was during the brief Napster window), and secondly, because I really shouldn’t be spending so much time reading blogs in the first place.  It’s good to keep abreast of current events, but I ought to be reading books, or writing, or figuring out why my life is lazily whirling in an eddy.  Plus, once you’ve paid for something, it starts to feel like a guilty obligation, as anyone who’s ever watched their New Yorkers pile up knows.  I don’t subscribe to magazines anymore, because the stacks of them are a constant reprove, and if I paid for online content, unread posts would be the same. 

On the plus side, I’ve noticed that a lot of blogs I subscribe to in my RSS feed that previously only put the title of posts and a short summary line in the feed have switched to displaying entire posts in the feed, which I much, much prefer.  As the blog I linked to above explains, this is likely because they are preparing to offer themselves up to Kindle.  Well, whatever.  I’ll keep flipping through my RSS as long as it’s free and easy to do so. 

And when things change, they change.

December 10, 2008

On Style and Substance

In matters of grooming and dress, I am sometimes stylish, but rarely fashionable. I hope the same holds true for my creative output, but unfortunately, I fear the opposite is frequently the case for my ideas.

As this article points out:

There is a vast gap between fashion and style. Fashion is about clothes and their relationship to the moment. Style is about you and your relationship to yourself.

And

Style is also one part personality: spirit, verve, attitude, wit, inventiveness. It demands the desire and confidence to express whatever mood one wishes. Such variability is not only necessary but a reflection of a person’s unique complexity as a human being. People want to be themselves and to be seen as themselves. In order to work, style must reflect the real self, the character and personality of the individual; anything less appears to be a costume.

As anyone who’s ever tried to wear something too advanced for them knows, you can’t fake style that doesn’t belong to you. Nothing looks sillier than a person dressed in a way that makes them self-conscious and uncomfortable. I knew early on that I would not do well in outfits that needed to be managed, and in shoes that required an adjustment in pace. I might look silly wearing flip-flops with a cocktail dress, but believe me, I look far stupider trying to mince around in heels like I mean it.

Having recently moved into a new apartment, I’ve been setting up my room, and it occurred to me that, with each move over the years, the way I design my living and working space has more and more conformed to a certain, specific style, regardless of the differences in the actual rooms themselves (which differences have been vast). I like clean surfaces, a good deal of floor space, blues and greens, and stacks of things. I do not like anything small, decorative or incidental. I don’t have knick-knacks, or pictures on the walls.  There is almost nothing in my room that doesn’t have a daily, utilitarian purpose. It’s fascist-chic.  But at the same time, I do choose my useful objects with aesthetic qualities in mind.

Here’s designer Nikolay Saveliev (via Kottke):

 I like the idea of a consolidated aesthetic totality; what you make looks like what you listen to, sounds like what you wear, and speaks like what you believe in. In simpler terms, my girlfriend might look like she’s in a band I’d listen to, my haircut looks like it belongs in the chair I’m sitting in, and the work I’m designing might be written about in a book that I would read. Even my cat has to figure in there somehow. It’s a meticulous thing to maintain, but probably comes from the fact that I’ve discovered mostly everything through music, whether it’s ideologies, writers, artists, designers, cultures, subcultures, or other music. So it’s easy to tie things back into your work, as long as you keep your eyes and ears open, and maintain a healthy dose of critical thought.

Um, okay.  But actually, I think that many of us structure our lives this way to some extent, without being fully conscious of it. You design a personality in the same way you design your look. You pick and choose your political and religious philosophies. Choosing not to decorate a room can be as much a nod to one’s style as decorating it. I design my eating habits to match whatever goals I’m working on at any given time. I live in Williamsburg, land of dressing the part: you can’t be a starving artist if you look flush and fed, so everyone wears rags that accentuate their willful anorexia. Their slight waistlines reflect their genius (possibly in a more literal way than they’d prefer).

One big benefit to creating and adhering to a fully defined personal style is that it helps us easily weed through the massive amount of options that are available to us in every respect. Walking into a department store can be a dizzying horror of over-stimulation . . . unless you know you only wear black shift dresses, or only wear certain labels, or have a system whereby you purchase one kicky garment per month for the precise amount left over after you’ve met your expenses. Picking a book can be overwhelming, unless you narrow your interests to World War II and Catherine the Great, or vow never to read literature by contemporary authors, or only read comedies or mysteries. Style works as a sorting mechanism. If someone refuses to read Harry Potter no matter how much you assure them they’ll love it if they just give it a chance, it’s because it’s not a part of their self-defined style. It doesn’t fit.  Maybe they’ve decided they don’t do children’s literature, or fantasies, or anything that everybody’s currently into, and if they admit the possibility of liking this one exception, they have to alter their entire criteria, and that’s a whole big thing

We all enjoy constant and easy access to such an abundance of information and culture now. The challenge today is choosing what to consume and what to skip. All Them often say that the population is getting stupider, but I think the opposite is true, and, as this (cheering, if long) article proposes, the level of the dialogue has really gone up:

In most rich countries, the old distinction between high and popular culture is breaking down. . . . Millions more people are going to museums, literary festivals and operas; millions more watch demanding television programmes or download serious-minded podcasts. Not all these activities count as mind-stretching, of course. Some are downright fluffy. But, says Donna Renney, the chief executive of the Cheltenham Festivals, audiences increasingly want “the buzz you get from working that little bit harder”. This is a dramatic yet often unrecognised development. “When people talk and write about culture,” says Ira Glass, the creator of the riveting public-radio show “This American Life”, “it’s apocalyptic. We tell ourselves that everything is in bad shape. But the opposite is true. There’s an abundance of really interesting things going on all around us.”

I read an article (somewhere, some time ago..in The New Yorker, maybe?) that discussed how much more sophisticated television shows have gotten. Sure, there are a number of dumb ones, and quite a lot of formulaic ones, as well, but shows such as The Sopranos, Lost, Deadwood, etc. are unprecedented in their complexity, requiring viewers to retain and recall a great number of fully-developed characters enacting multiple storylines, which proceed at differing paces and occasionally overlap and inform each other in complicated ways.

I don’t know why it’s so often said that the web is making people stupider. I can hardly see how people in general can help but grow more and more sophisticated as we all have greater and greater exposure to…well, everything.

Sort of.

But then again, perhaps we’re all generalists, dabblers and fakes. Whereas there used to (by which I mean, you know, back then) be fewer intellectuals (by which I mean people who spent a good deal of their time reading, thinking and writing), those intellectuals really dug in. They were all equally familiar with an agreed-upon canon, they had classical educations. Maybe now there are more people who are somewhat interested and a little bit knowledgeable about a great many things, but the standards of deep and specific scholarship have declined, along with the number of serious scholars. Or not – I’m not basing any of this on actual data.

Here’s one challenge to the above article:

Yes, I believe that society is consuming more high culture, but why? Is it because we desire to learn, or because we want to appear that we’ve learned-that we’re cultured, intelligent, and eclectic? Since, particularly due the hipster oeuvre, intelligence is the new chic.

Chic, and easy to attain. Learn to pronounce Foucault, drop a well-placed Freaks and Geeks reference, read a few Great Books, subscribe to HBO and the Economist, mix in a little ironic Lil Wayne appreciation, and suddenly, you’ve got class, intelligence, and culture. And everyone perusing your Facebook knows it. Appearance, not reality.

(via Readerville)

I’m not one of those cheerleaders that believe reading in itself is somehow a wonderful intellectual activity, regardless of the literary content of the material. Is reading the back of a Cheerios box a more intellectual task than watching Citizen Kane? Likewise, I wouldn’t say that reading (or watching or listening to) something you’re completely unable to truly comprehend is a worthwhile way to spend your time. I remember reading Animal Farm in ninth grade, before I had any knowledge whatsoever of political theory or Stalinist Russia (although not all of my classmates were so woefully ignorant), and I got nothing out of it at the time, even though I was able to successfully fake comprehension.

But at the same time, intellectual curiosity is desirable in and of itself, and if that intellectual curiosity is only born of social trends, well, so much the better. If society is making it trendy to be smart, well-read and verbose, isn’t that preferable to honoring thinness, stupidity and purchasing power? And if most people don’t possess a great amount of in-depth knowledge about very many things, isn’t it better to know something about some things than nothing about anything?

I hope so.  If not, I should really stop writing this blog.

August 22, 2008

I’ve Been Reading: Then We Came To the End and Remainder

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am no fan of superstars. I resent the hell out of anything beloved by all. But sometimes somebody will deserve every last lick of praise they get, and Joshua Ferris is one of those people. I can’t even hate. TWCTTE is a fantastic novel – hilarious, relevant, charitable to everybody, and well-written. Go read it now, because no matter who you are, you’ll enjoy it. Damn it.

Remainder, on the other hand, is a whole bunch of nothing. I can’t believe I finished it. I got about thirty pages in, and thought, ‘Ah, this is very interesting. I think it’s going to go in one of several directions, and can’t wait to see which.’ Twenty pages further in, I thought, ‘Huh. It hasn’t gone anywhere yet.’ Twenty pages further in, ‘Still in the same place.’ And when I finally finished it, ‘Well. That really was just about that. All the way through.’

Wow, those are some slight reviews. So, here are some cool things this week:

Scientists got blood from stem cells:

Scientists have used embryonic stem cells to generate blood — a feat that could eventually lead to endless supplies of type O-negative blood, a rare blood type prized by doctors for its versatility.

Computer scientists thought of a good way to make use of those text boxes you have to fill out online all the time:

You may be deciphering a word from a decaying old book, helping to transform a historic text into a new digital file.

This entertainer found a way to use cicada shells to adorn herself (via CP). If you’ve never experienced the weird joy that is picking cicada shells off a tree, you should probably do that at some point. When I was a little kid visiting my grandparents in Mississippi, my Granddaddy and I used to pick grocery sackfuls of cicada shells off the trees in the front yard. We had no real object in this harvesting – I don’t know exactly what happened to the sacks full of bug shells, but it’s far more likely my Grandmother threw them out than that she wove them into her hair.

Also, this NY Times article proclaiming that coffee is nothing but good in every possible way, and even overconsumption of coffee works nothing but good effects on your body is the best news possible, and makes me feel utterly vindicated. I’m sure it’s unreliable and probably the studies behind it were funded by giant, evil coffee cartels, but I don’t care. I choose to believe it, because it is what I want to hear. Now all I need is an article saying that a cake-based diet prevents cancer.

July 1, 2008

More People I Don’t Like

Tibetans are getting stale on the Dalai Lama’s insistence on nonviolence.  This article says that nonviolence worked for Gandhi and others, and ends with this uplifting quote:

This week’s talks are unlikely to yield much, if any, progress, and could push more Tibetans to the boiling point. But listen to Gandhi again: “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always.”

Hmmm.  Do you agree with Gandhi’s assertion?  Discuss.

You don’t see many critics around these days.  Is it because there are no longer non-participatory enthusiasts of the arts?  Or is that a good thing?

Trying to maintain critical distance today is thus a practice in self-alienation. The distance might as well be infinite. The proclamations might as well be made in outer space. So we need another metaphor. If criticism isn’t about distance anymore, maybe it can be about closeness. I’ll tell you what makes sense about closeness right away. In today’s cultural world, a bird’s eye view of the situation doesn’t get you very much. There is nothing to sort out from up there because there is simply too much culture in too much variety. The distance, the desire to categorize and judge, is overwhelmed by the very pluralism it seeks to understand. The only solution is to get down into the mix and participate. You need to grab works of art and hold onto them tightly. Stepping away from them even a little bit is to risk losing touch altogether.

Well, I don’t know.  I can say that the New York theater scene, at any rate, is in desperate need of more objective gatekeepers, and I think a large part of the problem is that anybody who goes to theater here is trying to do theatre here.  I would say more, but I don’t want to burn any bridges.

Now, here is some criticism I can get behind:

Gladwell dresses up all of his “realizations” in fancy clothes and too much make-up. He gives himself powers that he doesn’t have. He pretends to have sorted things out that he hasn’t sorted out. He imagines a possible control, and pretends that he has achieved that control. All the while telling people, whispering into their ears, precisely the kinds of things they would like to believe. And then (it must, I’m sorry, be said) he goes on wildly lucrative corporate speaking engagements spinning out the same titillating stories combined with his shoddy conclusions. I even kind of hate, I must confess, the way he looks. His hair all scruffed up just so. His cute little suits. It makes the skin crawl.

Also in popular things that I have an irrational hatred of, Facebook has done away with the singular “they”:

Confronting complaints of ungrammaticality from speakers of English and untranslatability from speakers of other languages, Facebook will now be more in-your-face about choosing a gender identity. If you haven’t filled the information out on your Facebook profile, you’ll now get a prompt asking if you want to be referred to as him or her. But they’re not getting too insistent on sexual dimorphism, since users can still opt out of the gender choice, in response to what Gleit calls “pushback in the past from groups that find the male/female distinction too limiting.”

Folks, I’ve finally joined Facebook.  After adamantly refusing to join, and telling everybody who brought it up to me (repeatedly) that I would never, ever join, and that was final, I’ve gone back on my resolution and set up a profile.  I resent the hell out of it, but I got sick of inviting people to things (my party, an upcoming show), and them being like, ‘Oh, well, I’d love to come – are the details on your Facebook page?’

Fuck all of you, and your stupid social networks.  There damn well better not be yet another must-join new one a month from now, or I’ll…resentfully set up a profile on that one, too.

The perils of replace-all:

Apparently, if you are bothered by gay people, you like calling them homosexuals, which is clinical and gross sounding, as opposed to “gay” which sounds happy and fun-loving. An impressionable child would surely have much less interest in becoming a “homosexual” (snooze) than a “gay” (woohoo!). So, right-wing news site OneNewsNow.com does a quick replace all on stories from the AP. Guess what, though, sometimes the word “gay” appears in a non-sexual context. Like, say, Tyson Homosexual (née Gay), who just qualified for the Olympics in the 100 meters, or Memphis Grizzlies’ forward Rudy Homosexual (née Gay), who often gets great penetration in the paint.

The rise of the nerds:

From the late 19th century onward, it was more or less accepted that the ideal purpose of American education and parenting was to produce athletic, popular young men and women, the sort who end up in business, law, or politics. But sometime during the 1980s it began to be a lot harder to dismiss the awkward kids with thick glasses, obsessive interests, and no social skills.  . . . As computers began to play a larger role in business, education, and life in general, the former class presidents were learning that the former class geeks held everyone’s future in their hands. Soon one nerd (Alan Greenspan) was running the economy, another nerd (Al Gore) was running for president, and two unbelievably rich nerds (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs) were changing the ways a lot of us lived and worked.

(via 3QD)

The article focuses heavily on male nerds.  I don’t always get on well with male nerds, as I often find them to be immediately dismissive and condescending toward attractive women.  We were all unpopular in high school, but there are more constructive ways of dealing with it than being a triumphant asshole to anyone who reminds you of those who once rejected you.

Speaking of, when scientists attempt to study humor:

Blindfolded subjects are tickled by experimenters who they are told are machines. The sexual banter in an all-night diner in upstate New York is surreptitiously observed. People study cartoons with pens stuck in their mouths (to contract the facial muscles associated with smiling). An experimenter “accidentally” spills hot tea on herself when a jack-in-the-box erupts nearby. One Boston psychologist, the co-author of a paper entitled “A Threshold Theory of the Humor Response”, published in The Behavior Analyst last spring, understandably felt obliged to state in a footnote that her surname really is “Joker”.

(via A&LD)

June 30, 2008

Survival Is Overrated

You know, I just want to say that I’m sick of reading all about why Americans are so stupid they can be sold water if it’s packaged attractively. While it’s true that some people can be sold anything, the vast majority of people buy bottled water everywhere now not because it’s attractive, but because water is no longer available for free when you’re not at your house. I don’t buy a billion bottles of Poland Springs for a buck a pop because I think there’s some sort of cachet in it. I buy them because no mini-mart-owner in the city is going to give me a cup of tap water gratis when he could make me spend a buck. Sure, you might get a Dixie-cup-full at Starbucks or something if you buy something else with it, but if you have to keep nagging bored and frustrated service employees to refill your thimble-full of water, only to start the process all over again with another surly teenager after you’ve walked two more blocks and are completely dehydrated again, at some point, you’re just going to buy a damn bottle of water.

And yes, of course, if I thought ahead and always brought a bottle of water from home around with me everywhere, I could avoid this expense. And if I always brought an umbrella, and a light sweater, and Aspirin, and tampons, and Band-Aids and a change of shoes and a novel and an energy bar and a thing of mace, I would always be prepared for every situation, wouldn’t I? But I’m consistently not – I guess it must be because I’m so foolishly attached to overpaying for an attractively packaged commodity that used to be free.

So, the big news lately is the Supreme Court’s decision striking down the D.C. gun ban. I don’t have a passionate opinion one way or the other on gun ownership, but here’s one thing I don’t understand:

I’ve heard champions of Second Amendment rights pose the hypothetical scenario that, if you let the government disarm you, in a few decades, you will have a more totalitarian society, and then it’s only a matter of time before the nightmare dystopia ensues and the governmental hit squads come banging at your door. And you’ll be an unarmed sitting duck. And I get that – I too believe that inevitably, at some point, society as we know it will crumble and we’ll go into some sort of The Road situation. But it seems to me that even if you have a whole bunker of guns, if a bunch of people come armed to your door with intent to take you in, you’re done. It doesn’t matter if you have weapons – unless you also have more people with weapons than they have with weapons, they will win.

I think that the real key to surviving when the infrastructure crumbles is to be small, fast, and not missed by anybody. And to not have anything that anybody might conceivably want. So, while gun control opponents can’t believe everybody’s so placid and docile and moronic as to allow their right-to-bear-arms to be chipped away at without a fight, I rather can’t believe everybody’s so placid and docile and moronic as to be gigantically fat, out of shape and laden with expensive possessions (and small, stumbling, needy children).

Come on, people. Your only chance for surviving in a post-apocalyptic world will be to dart around on the margins and feed at night — and to have nothing you love and nothing you’ll miss. I promise you, if a posse ever comes to my door, I will not be defending my “property.” To hell with my property – I’ll be out the back window and over the border before they can hoof it up the front steps.

Anyway, the world might end before any of this comes to pass:

I can well understand why the Times doesn’t want to give sustained big play to the possibility that the world will end on or around Labor Day. In addition to the civic-minded concern that this might create worldwide panic, there are practical matters of self-interest. If the possibility weren’t realized, as most scientists seem to expect, then the Times would look foolish. If the possibility were realized, it would have no opportunity to collect a Pulitzer, because the Times, the Pulitzer board, the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, which gives out the award, and every last Times reader would all be obliterated, along with the rest of the planet.

(Plus, too, the North Pole might be free of ice this year:

“From the viewpoint of the science, the North Pole is just another point in the globe, but it does have this symbolic meaning,” Serreze said. “There’s supposed to be ice at the North Pole. The fact that we may not have any by the end of this summer could be quite a symbolic change.”

via FP Passport)

Really, I’m just not as attached to life as we know it as most people seem to be. If I woke up in the world of Wall-E tomorrow, I guess I’d kind of miss the Internet.

Why a continued American presence in Iraq can’t be compared to West Germany and Japan after WWII:

But setting all those concerns aside there’s one distinction between the case of Germany and Japan and Iraq today that gets far too little mention. It’s not a matter of culture or religion. It is the fact in the aftermath of World War II, both Germany and Japan had been conquered by the United States and her allies in a wars of aggression that Germany and Japan had started. The civilian populations of each country, whatever their war guilt, had experienced shattering levels of violence and privation in the final years of the war. And both countries were immediately faced by nearby hostile powers they feared much more than the United States.

Public transit: it doesn’t really hit the poor hardest…

In fact . . . poor people do relatively little driving. They differ from middle class and wealthy people in that utility bills take up a very large proportion of their income. Not only should this specific point be remembered, but one should also recall as a general rule of thumb that if you see a large, powerful, well-organized lobby citing the needs of the poor as the rationale for something or other they’re almost certainly full of it.

…and plus, you can get drunk while you ride:

Carl Zimmer and Paul Ehrlich are talking about the need for alternative modes of transportation. He rightly makes the point that there’s a difference between designing a city for cars, and designing a city for people. Also makes the somewhat idiosyncratic point that with transit “you could at least be having a drink on your way home”

Rob Cockerham at Cockeyed.com plays pranks, usually on various chain stores. Today, he has a new one involving posting clever signs in Home Depot storage sheds:

Despite an ambitious number of signs, I felt my local home depot wasn’t addressing some of the strongest benefits of owning a garden/storage/privacy shed/mini-garage/closet. I decided to make some new signs and try them out!

Last but not least, I hope some day to make this list.

June 6, 2008

I Am SOOO Out Of Here

Dear Readers,

I am camping for a week, off the grid entirely. If I do not go insane or get eaten by a bear, I will be back a-postin’ on Monday, June 16th. In the meantime, take deep breaths, hit up the archives, and just try to endure. You’ll be stronger readers for it, I promise — all seven of you.

Love,
Elizabeth

June 2, 2008

Give Me Transit, Or Give Me Death

Seems everybody wants to keep the racism and lose the term for it. Here, M. LeBlanc at Bitch Ph.D. responds to Geraldine Ferraro’s recent op-ed:

Bringing up sexism or racism has become, in the minds of those outraged by accusations that they might be sexist or racist, “playing the gender card” or “playing the race card.” . . .

I’ve been astonished at the degree to which “playing the race/gender” card has flourished as a phrase and concept in the conversation about this primary race. I’ve heard it from so many bloggers, pundits, straight-up newscasters, and even some of my personal friends. I want to be as absolutely clear as I can: it’s a bogus concept, and using it makes you part of the problem.

Race and gender are not “cards” that you play, like laying out trump in bridge and winning the hand. Because when you have to bring up racism or sexism to explain what is happening around you, that means you’re already losing.

News that’s not news: shopping and eating cookies can help you forget about death:

The authors believe people with low self-esteem use consuming as a way of subconsciously escaping self-awareness, which is heightened by thoughts of dying. “When you indulge in shopping or eating, it helps you forget yourself,” says Smeesters.

(via Serious Eats)

Related, people in Japan should eat more cookies. So should the U.S. Army. And the Russian army.

Jeffrey Goldberg interviews John McCain on Israel, Iran and Obama, among other things:

JG: Let’s go back to Iran. Some critics say that America conflates its problem with Iran with Israel’s problem with Iran. Iran is not threatening the extinction of America, it’s threatening the extinction of Israel. Why should America have a military option for dealing with Iran when the threat is mainly directed against Israel?

JM: The United States of America has committed itself to never allowing another Holocaust. That’s a commitment that the United States has made ever since we discovered the horrendous aspects of the Holocaust.

In addition to that, I would respond by saying that I think these terrorist organizations that they sponsor, Hamas and the others, are also bent, at least long-term, on the destruction of the United States of America. That’s why I agree with General Petraeus that Iraq is a central battleground. Because these Shiite militias are sending in these special groups, as they call them, sending weapons in, to remove United States influence and to drive us out of Iraq and thereby achieve their ultimate goals. We’ve heard the rhetoric — the Great Satan, etc. It’s a nuance, their being committed to the destruction of the State of Israel, and their long-term intentions toward us.

(via FP Passport)

In the same interview, McCain takes issue with Obama’s willingness to talk to Iran. Here’s what Thomas Friedman thinks about all that:

Mr. Bush was also right: talking with Iran today would be tantamount to appeasement – but that’s because the Bush team has so squandered U.S. power and credibility in the Middle East, and has failed to put in place any effective energy policy, that negotiating with Iran could only end up with us on the short end. We don’t have the leverage – the allies, the alternative energy, the unity at home, the credible threat of force – to advance our interests diplomatically today.

Here’s Matthew Yglesias responding:

We’re a giant rich country and they’re a medium sized middle income country. We have military forces in two of Iran’s neighbors, we maintain sanctions on Iran that hurt their economy. Our closest ally in the country is a rich nation with a power military establishment and nuclear weapons, their closest allies in the region are non-state militia groups. We have plenty to offer Iran that would be valuable to them insofar as they’re willing to change their behavior in ways that are valuable to us. That’s all the leverage you need to start a process of negotiation.

And Yglesias on McCain:

I was walking earlier today thinking to myself, “you know, say what you will about John McCain, but he’ll almost certainly be a better President than George W. Bush so we have something to look forward to no matter what happens in America.” Then I thought to myself that to write that up, you’d need to include the all-important to-be-sure sentence. Specifically, something like “if, that is, he manages to avoid any catastrophic new wars that lead to massive bloodshed.”

Also worth a mention (although to me this doesn’t sound like as big a deal as the whole Phil Gramm thing):

Before Rick Davis began serving as John McCain’s campaign manager, his lobbying firm had a pretty cosmopolitan set of clients. For example, Ukranian billionaire Rinat Akhmetov, who has several business links to Iran.

A history of the L

…and a gallery of the coolest subways. Included is the best subway I’ve ever experienced:

The Hong Kong MTR has the distinction of being one of the few subway systems in the world that actually turns a profit. It’s privately owned and uses real estate development along its tracks to increase revenue … and ridership. It also introduced “Octopus cards” that allow people to not only pay their fares electronically, but buy stuff at convenience stores, supermarkets, restaurants and even parking meters. It’s estimated that 95 percent of all adults in Hong Kong own an Octopus card and they generate more than 10 million transactions each day.

Not to mention, it’s clean as a whistle and a piece of cake to navigate.

Timely to study what works, since lately, Americans are cuckoo for public transit!!!

The Balkans are totally safe now (well, unless you’re a woman).

May 28, 2008

Some Outrages, and Some That Aren’t, Really

Apparently, Rachael Ray wore a Palestinian scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad, and right-wingers were so upset that DD had to pull the ad. As all of my regular readers know, a number of ads outrage me, but they’re all still on the air. If only the boys at Little Green Footballs would turn their considerable influence to rooting out misogyny in advertising…

If there’s one country that could turn shit into gasoline, it is so Sweden:

Cars using biogas created a stir when they began to be rolled out on a large scale at the start of the decade. The tailpipe emissions are virtually odorless, the fuel is cheaper than gasoline and diesel, and the idea of recovering energy from toilet waste appealed to green-minded Swedes.

(via The Morning News)

(It’s not all that successful, however.)

Turns out John McCain’s policy for dealing with the mortgage crisis was courtesy of a lobbyist for UBS bank:

MSNBC reports that McCain’s economic guru, Phil Gramm, advised the campaign while he was a paid lobbyist for the Swiss bank UBS. In other words, Gramm was advising McCain on what to do about the mortgage crisis while he getting paid push the legislative agenda of one of the major architects of the mortgage crisis.

More details here:

As MSNBC reported, UBS deregistered Gramm as a lobbyist for the company on April 18th, though he continues to serve as a vice chairman of the bank. But that was fully a month after McCain’s speech outlining his own approach to the crisis.

The Dalai Lama would like to attend the Olympics:

China reacted coolly on Thursday to a suggestion from the Dalai Lama that he would be happy to attend the Beijing Olympics, and suggested talks with Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader’s envoys may be delayed by the Sichuan earthquake.

(via FP Passport)

Also, here’s a cool picture of Gloucestershire’s annual cheese-rolling (one man appears to be in a pig suit).

Don’t miss this Slate article about who’s actually responsible for disciplining UN peacekeepers when they go on child rape-a-thons in the countries they’re supposed to be helping:

Though the United Nations has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to sexual exploitation and abuse, the most severe action it can take is repatriation of the accused-at the contributing nation’s expense-and, if the accused is eventually found guilty, a block on future service in U.N. missions.

Several articles lately professing shock at how little some people trying to live on a shoestring budget spend and eat have left me wondering: am I out of touch, or is everybody else? Because I spend so much less and eat so much less than the people in the “shocking” examples given in these articles…I mean, good lord:

Mr. Driscoll has since started packing two peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches for lunch. Dinner might be two baked potatoes. On a recent Monday, it was franks and beans. On a good night, he might spend up to $6.

If people really consider this an absolutely shocking sign of deprivation, I must be doing far, far worse than I ever thought. And as much as I joke, I actually think I’m doing pretty well.  (Oh, I should clarify that the articles I’m talking about, including the one linked above, are the articles about young starving-artist types, not the articles about actual poor people.)

May 27, 2008

Norton Recommends Some Updates

Norton AntiVirus recommends that you install several updates. Would you like to install the updates now?

You have chosen to install the following updates. Click to install the updates.

To install these updates, you will need to close your browser. Please close all browser windows and then click ‘continue.’

You have chosen to continue installing updates. Are you sure about this?

You have chosen to go ahead and install updates. Norton will provide a small form giving you the opportunity to format the updates in a specific fashion and store them in any number of locations on your harddrive. If you would like Norton to make these decisions for you, click ‘Whatever.’

You have selected that you would like Norton to make these decisions for you. Does this include all these types of future decisions, or just this one specifically?

You sure? Norton doesn’t want to be presumptuous.

Norton has begun the installation process. At this point, Norton needs you to open Microsoft Word, and type a brief paragraph about how this process is going for you. Norton needs a little feedback on how it’s doing as an Antivirus program.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Norton needs you to close Word now. Norton didn’t think you’d take so long to formulate your thoughts, and now Norton needs you to close out of everything so that Norton can finish installing.

Do you want to do this now or later?

Because Norton can finish this later, if you’d rather.

Okay then. You just seemed kind of annoyed. Norton’s happy to work around your schedule, you know. Norton is merely trying to update your virus protections so that you have the best possible security.

Okay. Just, you know. It’s Norton’s job.

So, Norton is just about finished installing these updates, but first, Norton has a few more questions for you. Would you like to enter an information profile that Norton can then efficiently and securely fill out automatically on online forms, such as purchase orders?

Are you sure? It’s a pretty neat feature, and while it might take a little time right now, in the long run-

Okay, okay. Just offering – there’s no need to be rude.  We’re about done here.

…Would you want Norton to back up your hard drive now? Because Norton can do that – did you know? Norton has noticed you’ve been backing up your files yourself, and Norton could totally handle that for you, if you want to take a few minutes to-

–Alright. Norton will just finish this one thing and get out of your hair then.

What? Well, yeah, you’re going to have to restart for these updates to take effect, but you can do it now or later. Whenever. Norton doesn’t give a shit.

Okay. Fine. Then go ahead and do it now. Norton will be here when you reboot. Just, Norton has things to do today, too, you know, so move this along.

Hi again. Okay, so would you like to hop over to Norton’s website and set up an online profile now?

Well, it’s just so that you can– Okay, fine! Fine! Do it now, do it later, never do it, Norton doesn’t care! It’s for your benefit, it’s not like Norton’s getting anything out of it. Fine. You’re all updated now, and Norton’s going to get out of here. Get back to your oh-so-important work.

May 27, 2008

Bridges

A dozen cool bridges:

A bridge inspires us. A bridge overcomes an obstacle and connects someplace to someplace else, with strength and often with grace and beauty. A bridge lets us go to the other side.

I don’t know about all that, but these are neat looking bridges, regardless. The only one that I’ve walked over is the Ponte Vecchio.

Shocker! CDM is a big, old mess:

Leading academics and watchdog groups allege that the UN’s main offset fund is being routinely abused by chemical, wind, gas and hydro companies who are claiming emission reduction credits for projects that should not qualify. The result is that no genuine pollution cuts are being made, undermining assurances by the UK government and others that carbon markets are dramatically reducing greenhouse gases, the researchers say.

(via Majikthise)

Interesting summary of Sen. Durbin’s recent hearing on Global Internet Freedom:

Durbin said he called the hearing to examine “the role that American companies play in internet censorship, and displayed a lot of passion on the issue. He asked whether Congress should find that it’s wrong for an American company to in any way cooperate with censorship and repression.

You know, if the worst “the Man” has to fear is vegans and Critical Mass bicyclists, I’d say he can safely fire his food taster and stretch out in his throne.

A prediction: I predict that when Obama gets the nomination, we’re going to have whole crapload of articles about how all of Clinton’s female supporters are now supporting McCain (even though there won’t be any actual evidence of this) because (and this will certainly not be overtly stated, only heavily implied) women are so freaking stupid that they don’t understand or care about real political issues – they just wanted a girl, and now they’re pissed.

Of course, I could be totally wrong, and we won’t see any articles like this. Shall we take bets now?

March 6, 2008

Whoopee!! Today We Are One!!!!!!!

Happy birthday, dear readers! One year ago today, Accismus was born.

I cannot tell you all how happy I am about having kept this blog up and running for a year. As I might have mentioned a couple hundred times, 2007 was a slow year for me, and writing this blog was undoubtedly the best part of it. Other than really forcing me to crank out some words at least once a week for a full year (!!!), it’s been a wonderful way to keep in touch with old friends and reach out to new people. The readership of this blog has expanded from a small circle of friends and family, to new acquaintances, to regulars I’ve never even met. Thanks to all of you, for being so supportive and great (and also for tactfully avoiding comment when I’ve had to phone a post in from time to time). If any of you miss the constant feedback and reinforcement of turning in school papers, I highly recommend you start a blog: nothing perks up your day like getting an email that someone’s commented on a post.

The one-year marker seems a good time to share with you some of the behind-the-scenes blog stuff that amuses and interests me. Obviously, this blog really shot up the google rolls with the igoogle teahouse fox post, and that post continues to get the most traffic. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t get at least some hits.

I am sorry to report that I now know for certain how seldom I am googled, but I am googled sometimes, and it’s fun for me to speculate as to who might be interested. Incidentally, every single fictional first and last name I’ve made up for a post has been googled at some point. And, shockingly, there is apparently no commercial jingle or slogan so obscure or so dumb that several people every day aren’t googling it for some reason.

I especially enjoy getting hits where I know that the person searching was probably utterly confused or disappointed by what they found here. This includes the tons of people searching weekly for ‘tips on how to meet men,’ ‘how to meet men when you’re single,’ ‘ten ways to meet men,’ etcetera. I also get hits for ‘I love women,’ ‘I hate women,’ ‘Women are dumb,’ or simply ‘Wimmin.’ Also probably disappointed customers. And finally, I love that everyone searching for ‘how to deal with a poor listener’ is taken to my post on that topic. I really, really hope they actually implement my suggestions.

Then, there are the really freaking weird searches. I get a lot of hits for people looking for ‘nasty old widows,’ and frankly, I can’t for the life of me figure out what post is bringing them here. I don’t remember having mentioned anything about widows, but I must have at some point. There are also a lot of searches for ‘girl with snakes.’ And lately ‘Clinton Scientology,’ which, is that an actual rumor? Ever since I put up that alien page, there have been a lot of really bizarre searches around some variation of aliens taking over the world. My all time favorite, however, had to be ‘dead preacher on the couch.’ I love that someone was searching for that, and even more, I love that it brought them here.

Anyway, happy one-year birthday, everyone. I look forward to another, even better blog year ahead!

Smooches,
Elizabeth

February 27, 2008

Maybe We Should Just Have a Monarchy

As the primaries roll on, I’ve noticed some good articles about how stupid we all are:

First of all, in last week’s New Yorker, Elizabeth Kolbert writes about studies that suggest much of our decision-making is entirely at the mercy of random suggestion.

Second, next Tuesday is National Grammar Day, which thoroughly disgusts actual linguists. Note that, in this particular instance, the poor grammar itself is not disgusting the linguists, but rather the fact that on NGD those of us who fancy ourselves well-spoken might go about rudely and pedantically correcting supposed transgressions that are often actually acceptable turns of phrase.

And finally, Slate bemoans the not-so-democratic editors of Wikipedia and other social-media sites. I completely disagree with this article’s premise that it would be a good thing to make Wikipedia and other sites more truly open to input by the general public: that’s only a good idea if you want Wikipedia to totally suck. For proof, try and research anything at all on Yahoo! Answers, which is trying to become a more truly democratic version of Wikipedia. I have ended up on Yahoo! Answers many times over the past month, and I have been amazed at how consistently moronic and out-and-out wrong is every, single last Yahoo! Answer. I mean, it’s just a giant, sprawling site of useless nonsense. Not only are the majority of user-supplied answers to each topic erroneous, but there is never even one single correct bit of information buried anywhere within their midst!

It’s not a bad thing that information sites tend to be controlled by a small group of experts, because experts know things, and everyone else really, really doesn’t. I myself would never edit a Wikipedia entry (unless I were creating one about myself), because, like most insufferable know-it-alls, I don’t actually know anything about anything, and while that sure won’t shut me up, at least I confine my uninformed effusions to my own personal blog. This here is presumably a humor blog, but I don’t even know much about humor: according to WordPress’s list of daily most popular blogs, the vast majority of the browsing public think that the funniest thing to be found online is an endless series of photos of cats, captioned with babyish gibberish. People think this is hilarious! Well, you won’t get that here, because just like Wikipedia, Accismus is not a democracy. This is my own tiny totalitarian bunker on the www, and I can do whatever I want in it.

I’m starting to revise my opinions about the Electoral College…perhaps the founders were right not to trust us.

November 26, 2007

My Profile: A Data-Entry Clerk’s Foray Into Web-Based Social-Networking

I am a data-entry clerk by day. By night, I watch a lot of television, and sometimes I go over to my friend Brian’s house and watch television there. I do not play sports, nor do I enjoy things. I have a college degree in history, but now I enter the circulation numbers of various newspapers in spreadsheet format. Like, how many copies of a paper were dropped off at each location, and how many were picked back up at the end of the…never mind, I don’t care about it, and I’m sure it is not interesting to you, either, unless you are stupid. I am single, but I don’t date, because there are no available women at the place where I work. I hope that an available woman might look at this page, and email me. Brian said that that might happen.

I have never traveled, and I don’t often eat out at restaurants. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I eat at Peter’s, which is an Italian place that also serves gyros. I like gyros. Sort of. I mean, I’m not wild about them. Once Brian was emailed by a woman in his area who wanted to go to a movie with him. He made a date with her, but she did not show up. But maybe she did show up, and he just didn’t recognize her. Sometimes people look different from their pictures. My picture is of me in college. I look the same now, except I have lost a little weight. Most people gain weight as they get older, but I have lost it. I think it is because I used to go out drinking a lot in college, but now I do not do that, because Brian doesn’t drink.

There is one nice thing about my job, and that is that we have free coffee, and there are flavored coffees. I don’t like the flavored coffees, but it is nice to have the option. I don’t like too many options, though, because sometimes you can be paralyzed by choice. Something similar happened to me after college. When I graduated, I wasn’t sure which way to go, and that was an upsetting realization. I enjoy simplicity, to a reasonable degree. I have only three colors in my wardrobe, which seems to me to be a perfect choice. It would be dull and a bit insane to have only black clothing (though I have considered it), but I have found that the more colors introduced, the earlier I have to get up to pick. Currently, I have black pants, and jeans, and green and blue tops. That is what I consider a reasonable wardrobe.

I enjoy sleeping very much. It is healthy, satisfying, free of charge, and can be enjoyed by everyone. If I could, I would probably sleep all the time. I would say sleeping is my favorite thing to do. I have sometimes thought that a dog would be nice to have. But I worry about dogs. Even just thinking about sleeping makes me happy. Sometimes about three in the afternoon, I think about how I will sleep later, and I feel good from my head to my toes. If I were going to travel (and I don’t think I will), one place I might like to go is Prague. Brian has been to France, Spain and the U.K.

The thing about dogs is, they are kind of like slaves. I worry that a dog might be deeply unhappy with his overall life, but so simply pleased by whatever food or affection is coming his way currently that he can forget about it for the time being. But if that is the case, that dog would be better off dead. Brian has a cat, and the cat seems reasonably happy to me, and also not like a slave, because I’m pretty sure that cat could get away from Brian if she took a notion. I do not like cats, however; they remind me of a series of nightmares I had as a boy.

One movie I love is Dog Day Afternoon. ATTICA!!!

I do not much follow the news, but Brian was once on the news because he got into an accident. He was driving a car, but was very drunk, and he ran into the side of a school bus. It was 8:30 a.m. No children were hurt, but Brian got into a lot of trouble anyway. And I think that was right. That was two years ago, and Brian stopped drinking right after, and so I stopped drinking, too, because he was my drinking buddy. I don’t think there’s too much harm in drinking if you can leave off when it’s time, which I can, but Brian is an alcoholic.

I didn’t much care for school myself, but I didn’t hate it, either. The nice thing about school was lunch. And routine. I drive a Buick Sentry, a red one. It’s alright; I don’t much care about cars. And I have only been on a plane a couple of times. If a woman reads this and would be interested in going to Peter’s with me, I will be there at 8:00 p.m. this coming Friday. I will be wearing a blue top and black pants, and I look just like the photo above, except I am a little thinner.

November 4, 2007

Hiatus

I appear to have gone on a brief hiatus. I had not informed myself of this, and I am currently making every effort to track myself down and demand an explanation. I promise that this blog will be back in service, as soon as I locate myself. I’d better have a damn good excuse for my truancy.

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August 2, 2007

My Summer Vacation

I’m at the beach (jealous?), with the world’s slowest internet connection. Seriously, it was faster in Laos. I’ll post something new early next week.

I know everyone was terribly concerned.

July 3, 2007

Ode to igoogle’s Teahouse Theme

You torture me, teahouse fox. I sit at this desk, nine-to-five, five days a week (if I’m lucky: sometimes much longer), thinking, worrying, slaving and perspiring, and all in pursuit of what? Money? Success? Respect? The ever-elusive American dream?Maybe you’ve got the right idea, teahouse fox. Living your pastoral existence. Picking oranges, doing laundry, having tea on the dock in the evenings. That’s life, right there. You don’t care about money. You don’t care about fame. You don’t even seem to need the companionship of other foxes: fireflies, geese and caterpillars seem to give you all the company you need. You taunt me with your contentment. As I am madly reviewing accounts and formatting spreadsheets, you are rowing your boat around the pond. How Thoreau-ish of you.

I’ve just returned from a horrid afternoon meeting, in which my boss demanded the impossible, ranted incoherently, and dripped sweat onto the Powerpoint slides. You meanwhile, are playing some sort of stringed instrument as you sit on the end of your dock. Some childhood memory stirs in me: my feet swinging through the cool breeze, a glass of lemonade clutched in my little hand, the first evening stars glowing in a purple sky. But most likely, I am merely remembering some Country Time ad: my childhood was spent in front of the television in the den of a suburban McMansion.

Hungover and late today. Boss read me the riot act. Teahouse fox, how do you manage it? Near as I can tell, you do not light your incense and tuck into your sleeping bag until at least 2:00 a.m., yet you are always fishing at the end of your dock long before I am awake. I suppose leading a life of simple pleasures does not necessitate much rest.

I’ve just been to lunch with Sheila from marketing. I’d always been intimidated by her attractiveness, but it turns out, she’s totally down-to-earth, and she seems kind of lonely. She had salmon, and I had a bacon cheeseburger. You’ve probably never had one of those, teahouse fox, and let me tell you, you are missing out. I see you’re doing your laundry again. What are those white things, and how do you get them so filthy that you need to wash them every afternoon? I never see you dirtying any linens. Perhaps you take in other people’s laundry to pay for the rent on your teahouse. Which you never seem to enter.

Yearly reviews today. Great news, teahouse fox! I’ve been promoted!!! I have a new office, with a window. And I got a raise, too! And best of all, I asked Sheila out to a fancy dinner to celebrate, and she said yes!!!! I see you’re taking your usual row around the lake, accompanied by that baby chick. Have fun with that.

You might be interested in this, teahouse fox: I’ve been looking at lakefront properties, just like yours! Except not like yours at all, because these are huge and comfortable, and I would never have to sleep outside the door.

Listen, teahouse fox. We need to talk. Your theme isn’t doing it for me anymore: the never-ending cycle of your simple, daily chores has begun to depress me. I’ve been waiting for you to feel some ambition, get motivated, make something new happen in your life, but frankly, I don’t think you’ve got the drive. We’re just not in the same place anymore, teahouse fox, so I’m going to go with a new theme.

In case you’re wondering, I’m going with Seasonal Scape. The frog and the ladybug chug caffeine and play at least three sports every day. Now, that’s what I call energy!

July 3, 2007

Text Messaging Has Its Upside

While cell phones have pretty much put an end to prank calling (what do 12-year-olds do at slumber parties these days?), text messaging sometimes leads to its own kind of awesomeness. I get a lot of wrong numbers, and quite a few texts that are clearly meant to go to somebody else. While some of these depress me (I once got one just as my work shift was beginning that said, ‘Hey, sweetie – just to say I love you, and have a good day!’ and I was thrilled for a minute, until I realized it had to be a mistake), some are highly entertaining, like this one from five minutes ago:

‘Happy 4th of July Iris! Enjoy the holiday! This is FRED, long time! Remember, bar in Flushing.’