Sunday Lawn Party Adventure: Chapter 2
The Jazz Lawn Party was in a field in the middle of a ring of old houses and buildings. There was a big fence around the event, and tables of food and drinks and a dance floor and old cars, and stands with vintage clothes, and a lot of people camped out on the grass. Everyone looked really cool:
Friends Doing Cool Stuff
A quick note to draw your attention to blogs that two of my amazingly talented, smart, funny friends have recently begun:
The Faker, in which Mrs. Miyagi explores and instructs in the fine art of faking it till you make it (or until people leave you alone); and
Nurse Factory, in which an amazing artist and bird-mom posts her projects, street art, and adventures with the chickens.
Check them out!
Hamptons Party V
This is the last of these, I promise. Taking photos is my newest hobby. It gives me something to do while socializing, and I love tinkering with the settings on my photo editing software, although I have no idea what I’m doing. For some reason, it’s satisfying to pick out my favorite shots and decide how I want them to look – green, blue, cartoonish or hazy, etc. It’s certainly a hell of a lot easier than coming up with amusing, intelligent things to say. I know this blog is particularly drifty and sparse lately, but, as most of you probably know, it’s because I’m attempting (however unsuccessfully) to spend my energy on more substantial writing.
Meredith + Reese = 4 Never
In the subway station today, a gang of kids came through, and one boy started screaming.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I only have one question to ask you today! Meredith! Meredith? Wait there, please.’
Meredith: ‘Stop it, seriously.’
Boy (running after her): ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this will only take a minute of your time! Meredith?’
Meredith: ‘Will you please–’
Boy: ‘Will you go to prom with me?’
(Everyone starts laughing.)
Meredith: ‘No! Quit it!’
Boy: ‘Meredith. Please, be my date to the prom.’
Meredith: ‘No.’
Boy from opposite subway platform: ‘Yo, what’d she say, Reese?’
Reese: ‘She said no. Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think she should say?’
Assorted embarrassed people: ‘Yes!’
Meredith: ‘I can’t.’
Reese: ‘Why not?’
Meredith: ‘I already have a date.’
Boy from other platform: ‘Oh, come on, don’t do Reese like that! He’s a good guy!’
Reese: ‘Who?’
Meredith: ‘Parker.”
Reese: ‘Parker?!’
Boy from other platform: ‘Sing her a song, Reese!’
Reese. ‘I can’t. Because I can’t sing. But I can tell you how I feel today.’
Meredith (bright red): ‘Oh, my God.’
Boy from other platform: ‘That’s okay, Reese! You tried.’
11
I have not been blogging much lately, and so, in the style of the blog 11 Points, here are 11 things that I have been spending my time on lately, and enjoying immensely. All highly recommended:
1. Gail Collins. The New York Times was long overdue for a female columnist who wasn’t Maureen Dowd, and Gail Collins is more than the Times deserves: tart, smart, funny and perceptive, her takes on the issues of the day are both informative and cathartic. I just checked out one of her books, America’s Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates, and Heroines, but have only read the first chapter so far. I’ll let you know how it is. Also, in addition to her columns, Collins’s conversations with David Brooks are a treat. I have to confess, in the past, I have occasionally liked David Brooks, but he’s been heinous lately, and as his tenure at the Times goes on, he contradicts himself ever more blatantly. I dearly love a good journo fight, and Matt Taibbi (an occasional guilty pleasure for me, I’ll admit – his reportage may be spotty, but sometimes you just need a good, unapologetic rant) has lately been picking Brooks’s columns up in his teeth and shaking them back and forth until their necks snap.
2. The public library. I like to write in my books, dogear them, and read them in the shower, so for years, I insisted on buying books and keeping them in piles along my baseboards. But I don’t make that kind of money these days, and have finally learned to make good use of the public library. Yes, the inability to write in the books is a serious handicap, but otherwise, I am a total library convert. There’s a small branch near my house, and I can order whatever I want through the system to be delivered there, and they notify me by email when my holds are ready. Best of all, you can renew your books on the computer, and as long as nobody puts a hold on them, you can renew them indefinitely (I’ve renewed one 12 times already). And all for not one red cent (not counting city taxes). Beat that, Kindle.
3. Susan Schorn’s McSweeney’s column. I go back and forth on McSweeney’s, and particularly on their columnists. Some are good, some are boring, many have long outlived their original gimmick, good for only a post or two, but weirdly extended. But one of their new columns, Susan Schorn’s meditations on martial arts, self-defense, anger, weakness, and related topics, is fantastic – and not just because I’m into karate lately. I agree with Schorn about everything, and wish she lived next door to me, so that I could bother her all the time (and all of her other humor pieces are great, too). Speaking of karate:
4. Shotokan karate. I have been training at a local dojo since August (I’m currently a yellow belt), and I am obsessed. Fantastic exercise, and a wonderful outlet for pent-up aggression, karate is sport, art form, self-defense training and a study in focus and discipline, all in one. I try to make three classes a week, and, while I still couldn’t beat up a four-year-old, my kiai has deepened from Chihuahua to Rottweiler.
5. Jezebel and The Awl. I am putting these together, because my enjoyment of them is similar. For some reason, when Jezebel debuted, I immediately decided that I didn’t care for it. I can’t remember what about it offended me, because I’ve really been enjoying it lately. In addition to the progressive and feminist news alerts, there are hearty round-ups of celebrity gossip. And while I am not interested enough in celebrity garbage to actually read up on it, I must admit, do I want to know when Brad and Angie finally break it off, or when Lindsay Lohan ODs in a club bathroom, or when somebody has a major weight reversal? Yes! Yes, okay? I do want to know that! I admit it! But I don’t need to know the deets – I just want a headline and a photo, and that’s what Jezebel delivers. Now, The Awl, helmed by former Gawker editor, Choire Sicha (aka the only person who ever wrote for Gawker that I actually liked), is a hilarious, well-written chronicle of all things that would particularly interest…well, Brooklyn dwelling, underemployed pseudo-writers like moi. Plus, it is one of those lovely, rare blogs in which the commenters expand on (and often outshine) the posts. Kinder than Gawker and sharper than The Gothamist, The Awl fits just right. If I could only read one blog, this would probably be it.
6. Amanda Palmer. The former Dresdan Doll has an awesome solo album. Plus, she’s engaged to Neil Gaiman, and showed up at The Golden Globes with her boobs and her pit hair out. She’s a fucking badass.
7. Small, well-done, original blogs. Tiring of sprawling, massive, constantly updating blogs, I have lately been discovering small, creative, focused sites that do one thing and do it well. Edith Zimmerman writes hilarious very short stories. Tom Oatmeal (who I found through EZ) makes milk come out my nose. And firmuhment is continually brilliant and original – scanned documents that inspire essays, short stories, and humor. I’m not sure if firmuhment is a single author deal or a team effort, but every post has obviously had a lot of work put into it, and I appreciate that.
8. Firefox’s new skins. I spent the lion’s share of my day staring at my browser, so anything that makes it more visually appealing makes me happy. Firefox’s new skins are a small adjustment that, surprisingly, makes a big difference. Currently, I’m enjoying Spring II. Goes well with my igoogle theme.
9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I resisted getting into this back in high school when everyone was super into it, and haven’t gotten into it since, because I didn’t want to consume seven seasons of TV. But my coworker has them all on DVD. Uncle, okay? I’m through six seasons already, and ready to register as an official member of the Joss Whedon fanbase. In addition to the overall awesomeness of the series, I enjoy identifying basic karate moves in the fight choreography.
10. My new phone. After three shameful years of hitchhiking on my parents’ family plan, I finally ponied up and got my own phone plan, and a phone with a full keyboard and a camera. And man, it makes a huge difference! I no longer wince at the sound of a text message arriving: it doesn’t take me a year to peck out a response anymore, and my phone looks cool and is really fun to use. And yesterday, when my brunch coffee came in a giant bowl with no handle, I was able to document it quickly and easily, no forethought required.
11. My rabbit, Thomasina. Thomasina is so freaking adorable!! And I love having a pet! This was a good move. She’s my little pal, and she does hilarious things and entertains me, and she’s cuddly and fun. Right now, for example, I am trying to write, and she is collapsing her little grass hut on top of her head, and making eyes at the rabbit she thinks lives in my closet mirror! OMG, she’s a gas. I won’t work at all today.
Holy Crap, a Female Gondolier!
Venice has its first ever female gondolier!
Way back in college, when I visited Venice during my summer abroad in Italy, I asked my gondolier if there were any women gondoliers, and he laughed at me, and explained that, though there are often women who try out to be gondoliers, it’s not really a job they can do, because it takes so much upper body strength to shunt the gondolas under the bridges and so forth, and none of them are ever able to pass the tests. Since then, I’ve frequently made jokes about being an aspiring gondolier – I don’t know why, but the conversation just stuck in my head.
Way to go, Boscolo! This makes me really happy. (Even though Venice is sinking, so it’ll soon be a moot point anyway.)
On Beckett
Perhaps we’ll all burst forth Samuel Becketts one day:
En attendant, Beckett writes self-admittedly “pestilential” letters about waiting. In Dublin, he records the “fruitless retreat from Monday to Friday and then the degrading cotton wool interpolation of the weekend” and acknowledges that he’s “more than ever frightened by the prospect of effort, initiative & even the little self-assertion of getting about from one place to another.” In London, he sleeps “more and more — 10 hours at a stretch. I wish it were 20.” In Paris, he is “paralyzed in listlessness” and has “done nothing.”
Certainly describes my year.
Also this:
Laid upon this bare outline, in the course of the letters, is a palimpsest of all the other things that Beckett could have done, or sought to do, but never did. He put in for lectureships at Cape Town and Milan, though with little expectation, or even hope, of success. “Now that I have assembled testimonials,” he wrote of the South African plan, in 1937, “I am in a position to abstain from applying.”
The Cheek Kiss
Please excuse this little rant about cheek kissing. I am very physical-contact-avoidant. I do not like to be hugged, squeezed, patted or kissed by anyone other than immediate family members or people I am involved with romantically. As an attractive young woman, however, I am subject to a lot of poking and prodding, although, given my general thorniness and seriousness, I probably get a lot less of it than most young women.
I absolutely hate it. I used to rudely rebuff all physical contact, but as I got older, I began to be more sensitive to intent, and gradually grew to tolerate pyramid-shaped hugs of welcome and farewell from friends both close and casual. I still didn’t like it. But I put up with it.
Then, the cheek kissing began. I don’t know if it was an age thing, or a geographic location thing, or a general trend, but it seemed to start up all at once, and now it’s ubiquitous, and I Fucking HATE it! I don’t want to be kissed! And now, horror of horrors, it’s verging into actual, close-mouthed kissing! I have experienced this once or twice, and it’s just awful. I don’t even want to be hugged! Why can’t people respect that without my having to be rude? Why is it assumed that I’m down with being physically touched? Why can’t we just make warm eye contact, which frankly, in my opinion, is more than enough intimacy to be going forward with?
You know, I understand wanting a bit of physical contact to demonstrate affection and personal connection, to distinguish friends who approve of each other from merely tolerated professional acquaintances. And I think that the best form of physical connection is…a solid, gripping squeeze on the upper arm. Seriously. It’s distant, but warm; it enables you to make eye contact; it’s familiar, but not overly so; it’s physical, but not romantic. It doesn’t involve lips, or breasts squashing against each other awkwardly, or chins bashing into each other. You can vary it in intensity and duration according to occasion/level of sentiment to be expressed. It’s perfect.
Can we somehow usher in the upper arm squeeze as the new friendly hello-and-goodbye physical gesture? I’m going to start doing it; hopefully, it will catch on.
Nag You to Change
I just read Z.Z. Packer’s short story, “The Ant of the Self,” and want to quote the following exchange, in which some old guys in a bar ask the young male protagonist why he says he felt ‘relieved’ to attend the Million Man March:
I try to think. ‘I don’t know. I’m the only black kid in my class. Like a fucking mascot or something,’ I say, surprised that I said the f-word out loud, but shaking my head as though I said words like that every day. ‘I just get tired of it. You skip it for a day and it feels like a vacation. That’s why I was glad.’
There’s a round of nodding. Not sympathy, just acknowledgment.
‘Man,’ the guy with the goiter says, ‘I’m happy to hear that. You got the luxury of feeling tired. Back in the day, before you were born, couldn’t that type of shit happen.’
He seems to be saying less than he means, and looks at me, his eyes piercing, his goiter looking like he’s swallowed a lightbulb. ‘We the ones fought for you to be in school with the white folks.’ He looks behind him, as if checking if any white people are around, though that’s about as likely as Ray Bivens Jr. going sober. He lowers his voice so that he sounds almost kind. ‘We sent you to go spy on them. See how the hell those white folks make all that money! Now you talking ’bout a vacation!’
The man with the goiter is right, of course, but I think the boy is right, too. Things are always better than they used to be, and things can always be better. It seems like most people get to a certain age, and expect everything to stop where it is. They think the world is done, and get aggravated that younger people still aren’t happy. It’s like they expect the new generation to just sit around ruminating on the great work the previous generation accomplished. But each generation has its own work to do.
People are never going to stop moving, pushing forward, and wanting more and better. Society is not perfectible, so we’ll always have something to work on, and work we should. And if somehow society did manage to perfect itself, well, we’d probably have to fuck it up again to give everyone something to do. It’s the job of young people to zero in on ways in which our society is falling short, and pick at it non-stop.
Of course, I don’t myself work for change in any way. But I think everybody else ought to. I’m too busy complaining.
Although what some might call ‘complaining,’ I like to think of as ‘calling a spade a spade.’ And really, as bad a rep as complaining gets, change doesn’t entirely come from revolutions (and revolutions can’t be called out of nothing). Change mostly comes from hard work, but on a smaller scale, it also comes from nagging, bitching and whining. Change comes from being humorless. Change comes from pointing out a shortcoming over and over and over again, until nobody can ignore it. We all hate whiners, but where people won’t give money or volunteer time, they will whine and bitch and moan at everyone around them. And eventually, like water dripping on stone, that constant nagging shapes the thing it chafes against. The simplest example I can think of is lazy, hateful humor, based on stupid stereotypes. This stuff used to kill (at unmixed parties), because it didn’t require a genius to think up or understand. But then people started whining about it, saying it was hateful and not funny. It took a long time, but now those jokes fall flat as farts, so no one tells them anymore.
Which brings me to this Clint Eastwood (him again?) quote (linked to by Ann Althouse):
“You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist. I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a ‘Sam the Jew’ or ‘José the Mexican’ – but we didn’t think anything of it or have a racist thought. It was normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don’t want to be politically correct. We’re all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.”
Well, but, you know who also wouldn’t find ‘Jose the Mexican’ jokes particularly funny (other than Mexicans)? The ancient Greeks. Or Eskimo. Or 19th century Brits. Jokes are only funny insofar as they are timely. And these old race-based gems don’t kill anymore because, first of all, they’re tired, and second of all, they no longer reflect most people’s reality. I know a lot of people who are Jewish or Hispanic, but I don’t think of that as somehow hilariously noteworthy, or the central thing about them. If there’s more than one Jewish person in your circle, how do you decide which one gets known as “the Jew”? A “Jose the Mexican” joke depends on Jose being the only Mexican you know. I think these “jokes” depend on an unfamiliarity that no longer exists. Nowadays, it’s unlikely that everybody at your party will look exactly like you.
But people who still tell these jokes think that secretly, everybody thinks they’re hilarious; it’s just that everyone’s too scared to laugh. Riiiiiiight.
You know who are never P.C.? Comics. Sure, on TV and in movies, everybody has a whole list of topics they can’t touch to avoid alienating any one of dozens of advertising sponsors, but if you go to live comedy clubs, you’ll hear all sorts of jokes about every race, ethnicity, social group and class. But (some of) these jokes are funny, because they are relevant, and they reflect a reality of how people are really living now, and the assumptions that people make about each other. If the jokes are smart and hit home, people laugh.
At a certain point, if everyone has stopped laughing at your ‘Jose the Mexican’ joke, you have to blame the joke. Not the crowd.
Further Excerpts From Susan Sontag’s Journals and Notebooks
Why do I stir my coffee counterclockwise? Is this more effective, or merely habit? Is it perhaps offensive + off-putting to others? Do not stir coffee counterclockwise, unless certain culture is tolerant of same.
–
Oh, how rapturously, tremendously, monumentally do I adore Gide! I want to wrap Gide around myself + go running through the streets! I want to wear Gide around as a hat! I want to lick every page of Gide, to absorb it through my pores, to drink it like water! I want to bathe myself in Gide. Which reminds me: bathe daily.
–
Was lying in bed telling H. how much I desired to possess her utterly. Not sure what she said in response, as I was busy contemplating how pretentious my use of word “utterly.” Do not use “utterly” in intimate confessions, as it sounds premeditated + insincere. At any rate, suppose H. did not feel same, as I am now writing this, rather than possessing her utterly. Wait, did she go home? …Shit.
–
Had baby.
–
Have discovered Kafka! Oh, bless! A thousand, shuddering, deep, rapturous cries of joy spring from my soul! How did I live + breathe + eat before I knew of this felicity? From now on, it’s all Kafka, all the time.
–
Bathe every other day.
–
I do not feel X. with my son, as much as with H. Not at all X. with Philip. A little bit X. with our current congressional representative. X. with coworker Y. definitely, but only on Tuesdays. Not so much X. with anyone on the weekends…is this because of weekends, or because of X.?
–
It seems that a certain pore on my right cheek is slightly larger than those around it. Is this something that can be corrected without great trouble or expense? Look into it.
–
Today, created self, destroyed self, + created self again, as usual. Yesterday not so productive – did not create self so much as merely tinker with aspects of self. Philip walked in while tinkering with self. Embarrassed.
After reading the above, considered erasing. But then, reconsidered. I ought to be honest with myself, even (or especially?) in aspects of myself I would rather were not so. Don’t be embarrassed of revealing self in front of Philip, who, after all, loves me. And don’t be embarrassed of admitting (to self or [especially?] in print) own embarrassment about embarrassment, or, for that matter, of admitting embarrassment about embarrassment over own embarrassment.
Considered erasing above, as conclusion drawn seems to negate necessity of initial observation. Reconsidered. All is valid. Do not waste time on such circuitous contemplation in future.
–
Bathe, Susan. Bathe. Damn it, how hard is this to remember?!
Anything You Can’t Do, I Can Do Easy
Can you still make it from scratch in America? That’s the question that Adam Shepard asked himself in college. On graduation, he took a train to Charleston, South Carolina and started out with nothing but $25 and a backpack. A year later, he had a car, and apartment, and $2500 in the bank. How he did it — and what he learned along the way — is the story of his new book, Scratch Beginnings: Me, $25, and the Search for the American Dream.
See, the thing is, though, the book really ought to be called “Me; $25; a firm grasp of the English language; a good understanding of appropriate business and social etiquette; a clever brain and healthy and attractive white body [assuming the cover illustration is meant to depict the author]; the self-possession that comes of having been raised by a family that loved me, paid attention to me, and was able to provide for me; the social skills that come from having been brought up in a safe community where I enjoyed a stable support network of friends and family, and a safe and decent school with adequate funding; the freedom of being unaccompanied by any dependent children or ill or disabled relatives; the confidence that comes from knowing if my little low-stakes gambit here fails miserably I can just go back to my nice home; a college degree[!!!]; and the Search for the American Dream, which I have already extensively benefited from, and everybody who meets me immediately knows it, even if I am dressed in a potato sack and boasting proudly of how I have temporarily elected to live like the poor folk do in hopes of scoring a book deal.”
But then, that’s a lot to fit on a book jacket.
–
Also, apparently old people don’t particularly like being talked to like they’re babies, even when they’ve totally lost their minds:
“The main task for a person with Alzheimer’s is to maintain a sense of self or personhood,” Dr. Williams said. “If you know you’re losing your cognitive abilities and trying to maintain your personhood, and someone talks to you like a baby, it’s upsetting to you.”
(via Feministing)
I understand that. I absolutely hate being talked to like I’m a baby. A lot of men like to talk to attractive young women like they’re babies – I seriously can’t count the number of times when some older man I barely know has explained to me (affectionately) that I am such a sweet, sensitive young person. What he clearly means is, ‘You’re pretty, but I know it’s inappropriate for me to be attracted to you, so I’m going to treat you like you’re my precious little daughter.’ Which, besides being presumptuous and offensive, is even more amazing in light of the fact that I am cranky, standoffish and self-absorbed, especially upon first acquaintance. That’s maybe a little hard on myself, but at any rate, I could not possibly be mistaken for a cuddly, approachable people-pleaser…except by men who are bound and determined to believe that all pretty women come prepackaged with Disney princess personalities.
At any rate, if actually becoming cranky old people won’t save us all from being cooed at and patted like we’re puppies, what the hell will? I hope I don’t get dementia, because I’ve already decided that if I make it to my 80s and don’t have anything more I really want to accomplish, I’m going to spend the rest of my days trying every possible kind of super hard-core drug. That will be my Earthly reward for a life full of self-denial and jogging, and I sure hope Alzheimer’s doesn’t rob me of the opportunity, or I’m gonna be pissed.
–
Two funny things:
First of all, I think this is my favorite liveblogging of a debate thus far…
…and Chuck Klosterman’s A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century is hilarious, if long (via Kottke).




































































































