I thought I looked nice!

In the subway station today, a gang of kids came through, and one boy started screaming.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I only have one question to ask you today!  Meredith!  Meredith?  Wait there, please.’

Meredith:  ‘Stop it, seriously.’

Boy (running after her):  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this will only take a minute of your time!  Meredith?’

Meredith:  ‘Will you please–’

Boy:  ‘Will you go to prom with me?’

(Everyone starts laughing.)

Meredith:  ‘No!  Quit it!’

Boy:  ‘Meredith.  Please, be my date to the prom.’

Meredith:  ‘No.’

Boy from opposite subway platform:  ‘Yo, what’d she say, Reese?’

Reese:  ‘She said no.  Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think she should say?’

Assorted embarrassed people:  ‘Yes!’

Meredith:  ‘I can’t.’

Reese:  ‘Why not?’

Meredith:  ‘I already have a date.’

Boy from other platform:  ‘Oh, come on, don’t do Reese like that!  He’s a good guy!’

Reese:  ‘Who?’

Meredith:  ‘Parker.”

Reese:  ‘Parker?!’

Boy from other platform:  ‘Sing her a song, Reese!’

Reese.  ‘I can’t.  Because I can’t sing.  But I can tell you how I feel today.’

Meredith (bright red):  ‘Oh, my God.’

Boy from other platform:  ‘That’s okay, Reese!  You tried.’

Since nothing like that exists, though, I will probably have to feed this dog poison at some point.  Or, someone – not me – will, I mean.

Dweeby-looking white guy:  ‘Yeeeeah, I know.  He’s uh…what’s it called?  Photoshopped.’

Black guy:  ‘Exactly!  Ain’t nobody really look like that.’

Why would a junior high school take a mid-day field trip to Ikea?  Just because the food’s cheap and there’s plenty of floor space?

‘I just scratched my name out,’ said the young woman. ‘I will come back another day.’

‘Ok,’ said the worker, studying the clipboard.

‘See?’ said the young woman. ‘Right there. I scratched it out. Because I have to pick up my kid – at 10:30, the schools let out.’

‘Ok,’ said the worker.

‘So,’ said the young woman. ‘I suppose I will come back tomorrow. Because how many are waiting?’

The worker made a vague motion over her shoulder at the waiting room, where sat a very old man with a cane, a Mom-ish looking woman reading a Polish magazine, me, and a mentally-challenged man (who had clearly shit himself) playing with a pop-bead toy and accompanied by an older lady with garish rouge circles painted on her cheeks.

‘So…four?’ asked the young woman.

‘Yeah, four, yeah,’ said the worker. The very old man approached.

‘When will you call me?’ he asked.

‘Well, I will have to come back tomorrow, then,’ said the young woman. ‘What are your hours?’

‘Who are you?’ said the worker.

‘Douglas,’ said the old man, pointing. ‘When will you call?’

‘Now,’ said the worker. ‘Room one.’

‘Room what? Where?’

‘Your hours tomorrow?’

‘Uh…eight to five. Room one, room one. Right there, sir. Elizabeth?’

I went up with my form.

‘Okay,’ said the young woman, regretfully. ‘I guess I will just come back tomorrow then.’

‘I can’t do this test,’ said the worker, looking at my form. ‘For a job, yes? I can’t do. Will speak to my friend to do. Please take a seat.’

I sat down again. The young woman left in a huff, and the worker guided the old man to Room One.

Presently, another harried Polish woman came out, this one in white scrubs. She looked at the clipboard and called to the back:

‘Which one had the form?’

‘What?’ called the first worker from another room.

‘The form? Which is the one with the form?’

Everyone in the waiting room stood up halfway.

‘Me!’ I said, coming up with my form.

She took it, and scrutinized me.

‘Are you ready to urinate now?’ she asked, loudly.

‘I sure am!’ I announced.

‘Five dollar quarters?’ she said.

‘Uh, four and four quarters,’ said the man.

‘No–’

‘For the meter! The meter!’

‘No! We are not a bank!’

A long, uncomfortable staredown ensued.

‘Forget it,’ said the woman.

Another long, uncomfortable staredown, during which I paid for my laundry.

‘You go down there!’ said the woman, pointing vaguely East. ‘To the Western Union!’

‘Oh, okay!’ said the old dude, with heavy sarcasm. ‘Thank you! Have a nice evening!’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Excuse me,’ he said grandly, bowing himself out the door. ‘Good evening!’

‘Get rid of that cigarette! That is ugly! Ugly!‘

Later, outside a bar in Astoria:

Woman:  ‘Well, then, uh, I don’t know, let me get your number?’

Guy:  ‘My phone number?!’

Dark: I mean, I’m not saying — you don’t need, like, sixteen channels, but you need more than four!

Blond: Yeah, I don’t kn–

Dark: –I mean, you have four channels, and then you have four people singing – you have no more channels!

Blond: Yeah, but–

Dark: –I mean, look, I’m just trying to figure out what kind of amp you need to get this shit done.

Blond: I guess I–

Dark: I mean, it’s not gonna be, because then, you just need a mixer–

Blond: Yeah, but I feel like I can buy a mixer. Mixers aren’t that expensive.

Dark: They’re not too bad.

Blond: So then–

Dark: –I mean, I have a mixer I can lend you.

Blond: I’m just concerned about the wires. Because when we, whatever space we have, the wires have to come to, like a single, elegant point. We can’t have wires–

[Train noise.]

Blond: the wires, and I just–

Dark: –I’m telling you, man, I think we’re basically on the same page about the wires! I understand about the wires, but it’s a non-issue!

Blond: It just, it has to be a non-issue, because I can’t have, like–

Dark: –It will be a non-issue!

Blond: It has to be.

Dark: IT IS!