Archive for ‘Movies’

August 3, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: The Wackness

Jonathan Levine’s comedy is set in Manhattan in 1994, and that particular setting is at least three-fourth’s of the movie’s premise. The story set against this detailed backdrop involves Luke Shapiro (Josh Peck), who is one summer away from heading off to college. Meanwhile, he deals drugs and romances his psychiatrist’s popular stepdaughter, Stephanie (Olivia Thirlby). There’s a class issue and she’s way out of his league, but eventually she gives him a tumble anyway. He loses his virginity to her and so believes he is madly in love, and awkwardly phone-stalks her. Meanwhile, his shrink, Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley, in a twitchy, heavy-handed, nearly unwatchable comic turn), is being divorced by Stephanie’s mother and so he makes Luke his mid-life crisis best buddy.

All of this adds up to a fairly uninteresting and unoriginal movie, with a few touching scenes (including a beautifully acted, if pointless, part by Jane Adams, who needs to be given a good project, already). Nothing it has to offer, however, is even remotely worth viewing Mary Kate Olsen making out with Ben Kingsley – I really could have lived my whole life without seeing that.

July 3, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: The Wrestler

What’s the deal with professional wrestling? Darren Aronofsky’s film doesn’t really answer this question, but it does provide a wrenching character study of one wrestler, Randy the Ram (Mickey Rourke), as he ages past professional relevance. Randy has no money, few connections, and very poor health. Brought low by a heart attack after a particularly taxing (and gruesome) bout, he reaches out to his crush, Pam (Marissa Tomei), a stripper and single mom. Pam convinces him to contact his estranged daughter (Evan Rachel Wood), and he does so, briefly managing a heart-breaking and ultimately futile reconnection.

The Wrestler is particularly about the life of its main character. Beyond that, it is about the desperate fates of those who make a living entirely off their physical bodies. Randy is famous, but not rich, and as his body fails him, his entire personhood crumbles. Pam, who, contrary to Randy, earns money but not respect by using her body, finds her situation ever less lucrative as she ages. When Randy steps away from the wrestling ring, he loses his identity and his self-worth, constantly insisting that strangers address him by his working name. Conversely, Pam struggles to detach herself from her profession. She objects to forming personal alliances with customers who think of her as truly embodying her working persona, Cassidy, and is only herself when outside the club, with those who have no idea what she does.

Like many films, this one crams all its most difficult to watch scenes into the first half hour or so, and many viewers probably won’t make it past them. I never understand why films do this – they barrage the audience with visual pain before earning its interest or trust, and then ease off into 45 minutes to an hour of quiet, lovely character study once everyone’s parents have huffed to bed in disgust. Mostly, this film is all about the acting: Rourke, Tomei and Wood are excellent, each one of them somehow managing to constantly telegraph intense and wringing inner pain without being too overdramatic.

The question I am left with after watching this movie is, why the hell does anyone enjoy wrestling? The Wrestler won’t enlighten you there, but you will find out why suddenly everyone enjoys watching Mickey Rourke again.

July 3, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: The Hudsucker Proxy

Tim Robbins stars in this early Coen brothers effort, as Norville, a hapless mailroom attendant who is installed as president of Hudsucker Industries when their president unexpectedly throws himself through a window. Norville is meant to be a placeholder, a patsy meant to drive stock prices down for the execs (led by Paul Newman) to purchase before pulling the company out of decline, but unexpectedly, Norville’s seemingly stupid great idea – a circle drawn on a piece of paper – turns out to be a winner.

The story follows the usual drift of such tales: corrupted by wealth and power, Norville becomes what he once provided a foil to, only to receive his comeuppance and repent in time for Christmas. There is of course a woman, a fast-talking, unsentimental reporter (Jennifer Jason Leigh), who becomes ever more pure of heart as Norville is corrupted. This being the Coen brothers, what is interesting about the film is not the plot or thematic material, but rather the many, often surrealist, cinematic details that reference and tinker with the archetypes and stylistic choices of movies of this period (’40s) and genre.

July 3, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: Lonesome Jim

Jim (Casey Affleck) returns home for his quarterlife crisis. Resignedly ensconced in his parents’ Indiana home, he proceeds to be generally disgusted with his ever-cheerful mother (Mary Kay Place); to nudge his jealous brother, Tim, into attempted suicide; to become duped by his Uncle Evil into framing his parents for drug-smuggling; and to woo Anika (Liv Tyler), a nurse and single mom. Think Garden State without all the whimsical details and indie music.

Had this movie been made as an undergrad film student’s final project, I’d actually have been impressed. Since it’s directed by Steve Buscemi, however, I have to say, it’s not very good at all. There are some funny moments, but mostly the dark humor is awkwardly timed and unoriginal. Jim’s grand realization seems to be motivated more by the movie reaching the 60 minute mark than by anything that happens between the characters. And Casey Affleck (who granted is supposed to be completely flat of affect in the part) has less charisma than Kevin Costner starring in a biopic of Keanu Reeves (or vice-versa). Overall, there’s nothing really new here: the movie is about as unremarkable as quarterlife crises usually are.

July 3, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: Hideous Kinky

Julia (Kate Winslet) takes her two daughters to 1970s Morocco to live a more interesting life in this movie, based on the book of the same name by Esther Freud. Freud was a daughter of one of the billion mistresses who begot children by the painter and asshole, Lucian Freud (son of Sigmund “Women Are Aliens” Freud). None of which has much to do with the movie, but I think it’s interesting.

Julia arrives in Marrakesh with the vague idea of seeking spiritual enlightenment. Her sister has married a local man and converted to Sufism, and she encourages Julia to visit a Sufi sage in Algeria. While Julia works up to this journey, she and her girls await a never-arriving check from their long-removed father, sell rag dolls in the market, and take up with a charismatic street performer, Bilal.

Julia wants to live an exotic and authentic life with her kids, but is willfully deaf to their protests at being dragged along on her adventure. Bea, particularly, wants to go to school and keep to a regular routine, but Julia is unable to stay in once place, journeying with Bilal to his home village (where it becomes quite clear to both girls that Bilal has abandoned his wife), then taking up with a pair of wealthy expats. When Julia finally decides it’s time to make her pilgrimage to Algeria, the expats promise to keep Bea so that she can attend school meanwhile. Reluctantly, Julia leaves her eldest child, and sets off with Lucy.

Winslet’s Julia is a type-perfect illustration of a hippie true-believer, both selfish and loving, neglectful and caring. She worries constantly about her daughters’ safety, but she is unwilling to understand or admit that what she herself wants can be harmful to them. She is both Earth Mother and adolescent. Even if the acting weren’t so good, Hideous Kinky would be worth watching for atmosphere alone: the beautiful Moroccan setting, rich with desert colors, is lingeringly shot throughout.

July 3, 2009

I Have Been to Bonnaroo, and Lived to Tell the Tale

Around midnight on Wednesday, June 10th, just past the Tennessee border at Bristol, a stopped line of cars stretched over the horizon line. But this stopped traffic jam differed from most: in amongst the impassive truckers, the drivers and passengers of these stopped cars were partying. They were also nearly all in their 20s, dressed in ragged, summer clothes. Their cars had license tags from across the 50 states. Though none of them knew each other, they wandered in and out of the stopped traffic, laughing, shaking hands, sharing cigarettes. Car stereos were cranked, beers were cracked, kids danced in the median, in the emergency lane, on the roofs of their own cars. An unknowing observer might think this midnight traffic jam was the best, most hilarious thing these strange motorists had ever seen. What could explain this peculiar occurrence (and why would so many people, for that matter, be traveling into Eastern Tennessee)?

One word:  Bonnaroo.

These motorists were all Bonnaroo attendees, Phishheads and hipsters on their way to Manchester, still a good six hours’ drive South. At 7:00am the next morning, the campsites would open and all of these kids would be there. For them, the party had already started, right here on I-40 behind a tipped semi in the middle of the night. And me, my roommate, Sara, and her boyfriend, Chris, were right there in the midst of them.

I am not the sort of person to attend a music festival. In fact, I am the sort of person to go to some trouble to avoid attending a music festival. In the case of Bonnaroo, however, I had every reason to go. My good friend Emily lives in Manchester, Tennessee, and was able to get the three of us free tickets, and offered to put us up in her house. We would not have to camp in the crowded campsites, or wait in any of the myriad long entry lines. My roommate’s boyfriend, Chris, is the sort of person who would go to a great deal of trouble to attend a music festival, particularly Bonnaroo, and my roommate, Sara, is the sort of person who would happily go to a music festival if other people were going, and I am the sort of person who will join my friends for an adventure especially if it doesn’t cost me anything and everybody else takes care of all the arrangements, so there you go. My four-day Bonnaroo adventure had begun.

[Incidentally, if I may digress for a minute, Sara and Chris are from upstate New York and Long Island respectively. Neither had spent any substantial time in the American South (Florida doesn't count), and had never been to Tennessee at all. The first thing they pointed out, as we drove the rather isolated stretch of road from the interstate to my parents' house, was the sheer number of churches we were passing. This would prove to be a theme throughout our trip. I had known I'd grown up in the Bible belt, but not until it had been pointed out to me with fresh eyes was I sufficiently impressed by the sheer volume of churches on every block in Tennessee. There are thousands of them: Baptist, Methodist, Adventist, Presbyterian, Evangelical, Echolalian, Pentecostal, Church of Christ, Church of God, Church of Jesus (plus a spicing of Catholic, Mormon, Lutheran) -- not to mention all the Firsts, Seconds, Thirds, Southerns, Orthodoxes, Reforms, 2nd Days, 7th Days, Juniors, Once-removeds and so on and so forth splinterings of each of these. The South is indeed incredibly diverse in its offerings of traditional, white Protestant churches. If you were to do a church crawl, you'd be passed out on grape juice and oyster crackers before you'd made it out of your own neighborhood.  End of digression.]

Thursday

As we approached the tiny town of Manchester, we saw a policeman with a sign directing Bonnaroo traffic to the shoulder. Obediently, we queued up in a long line of cars stopped there. I phoned my friend to see if this was really necessary, and she directed us to continue on several more exits. As we drove to the exit where she’d said she’d meet us, we passed four other exits, each with a traffic barrier up, and at least a hundred cars stopped in a line behind it. These were festival attendees waiting to be admitted into the campgrounds. We felt very slick to drive past them all.

We met Emily in the parking lot of the Manchester Seniors’ Center, and she led us to her new house – an enormous three bedroom with two huge porches on five acres of land for the monthly rent of freaking nothing. Us New Yorkers wept.

‘Do you want to go see my new puppy?’ Emily asked me, while Sara and Chris got situated.

Emily has never been a dog person. She likes cats. We’ve had long debates verging on arguments about this, so I was surprised and delighted to hear a dog was in the offing. Her next door neighbors’ Boxer had mounted their Great Dane, and a litter of puppies resulted, and Emily had her pick of the four that were left. We went next door to look at them. There was shit all over the yard, and kibble all over the porch. The Great Dane was the size of a small pony, and very affectionate. The runt of the litter, Pee-Wee, and Freckles, a gray polka-dotted male, ran up to jump all over us. Two black puppies remained on the porch, one lying across the kibble pile, the other peering suspiciously at us. Emily was trying to make her mind up between Pee-Wee and Freckles. Her neighbor told her she had a day to decide, because they were taking them to Nashville on Saturday to try to sell them. Then, Freckles stepped in some shit and flung it around on us, so we left.

It was time to prep for Bonnaroo.  Emily took us all to the special tent where each of us was outfitted with a neon green and hot pink fabric wristband, and then Emily led us to a place we could park without having to wait in the insane line at the main gates. Sara and Chris wanted to go straight in to Bonnaroo, of course, but Emily needed to wait to meet up with her little brother and his friend, who were getting in later. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not really a concert goer, normally. I was moderately excited about seeing a few bands I actually had some familiarity with, but none of them were playing Thursday, so I decided to wade in rather than dive, and thus spent my first night at Bonnaroo with Emily, her boyfriend, Jason, her brother, Michael, and his friend, Jeff, drinking margaritas on the porch of a nice Mexican restaurant (strangely attached to a seedy strip motel) in Tullahoma. I don’t remember what was playing on the speakers, but I think it was a mariachi band.

Friday

Okay, Friday!  Bonnaroo day, for real this time.  I woke up with a will, slathered myself in sunscreen, put on my hat.  Sara and Chris were making bacon, eggs and toast for everyone (minus Emily, who’d had to go to work). My friends were pretty speedy that morning, anxious not to miss certain things at Bonnaroo, and the three of us were soon driving to the staff lot. Chris was working two nights at the festival (he shoots music events for a living, mostly), but hadn’t managed to get his staff wristband yet, for complicated reasons. He did have his parking pass, though, and hoped that would be enough. It wasn’t. An unsympathetic skater girl at the entrance flat denied us – everyone in the vehicle must have staff wristbands to enter the staff lot. We parked in the back field again, and hiked up through the fields and into the sprawling camp grounds.

Bonnaroo camping spreads for miles in every direction. No matter how crowded you imagine it might be, it is shockingly moreso. There were tents and RVs in every direction, with tarps arranged into impressive compounds, there were oily hippies everywhere, teenagers, middle-aged heavyset guys, trailer trash, hipsters, college kids, so on and so forth times a billion. Also, an unending supply of white boys with dreadlocks or Afros. We wound our way through the sprawling campsites, and at each turned corner, a new limitless vista of RV roofs and tent peaks and Porta-pots rolled out to meet the sky. Above it all were colored balloons with numbers to try to let you know where you were, and there were also street signs erected at intersections (1st and 2nd style, familiar to NYers), but none of this was really of much help. The ground was packed dirt and mud and the sun was bald and scalding.

Sara and Chris had gotten caught in a horrid downpour the night before. It began around midnight, and was accompanied by a fierce wind that drove sheets of rain into your eyes and blinded you. They’d had to fight their way back to the car; they’d thanked their stars they’d brought trash bags to wear. Bonnaroo is legendary for its storms, and nearly every year, it is a mudpit by the second day. You are advised to lose your shoes and get filthy, as it’s really impossible to walk otherwise. We got lucky, however: the Thursday night storm was the only one we’d see that weekend. Still, it was semi-muddy, and by the time we reached the main gate, I had flip-flop-flicked mud stripes up my calves.

When we reached the main gates, we glommed onto a mob of people that was slowly oozing its way through the checkpoints a good stretch ahead of us. The sun beat down, the crowd pressed around me. I began to think there was really no way I could do this. I thought I’d have to go back to Emily’s and stay there, and began to be amazed at my inability to make it through even the initial entrance to what was meant to be a four-day 24-hour marathon of fun. I was wearing a tank-style sundress with a bra-top tank top under it, and flip-flops, a half-bottle of SPF 55, and a small-brimmed sun hat, and sweat was pouring down the backs of my legs and puddling up in the dirt. I have this problem, especially in summers. Apparently, at least 95% of my body’s total sweat glands are located along the bottom curves of my butt cheeks. There’s no way to win with this, loose skirts and pants alike each presenting their own drawbacks. Sitting down, however, is worst of all. I need an antimacassar for my ass.

So, I was soaked, hyperventilating and claustrophobic (I tend to panic in crowds, which makes me extremely unsuited for things like living in New York City, and attending Bonnaroo), but I had committed to this experience, so there was nothing for it to remain upright until I passed out. Eventually, I got to the gate, where a youth glanced into my purse and waved me through.

It took me some time to get my bearings, but eventually, I determined that Bonnaroo is arranged in three complexes.

An eagle eye view of the grounds.

An eagle eye view of the grounds.

The main gate gave on to the field leading up to the main stage, What Stage, which is the biggest, and has the biggest field in front of it. To the right of mainstage is a long line of food vendors; along the back of the mainstage field is a long line of Porta-Pots and a misting tent; where these two lines intersect is entry into Centeroo. Centeroo has a mushroom fountain at its middle, which at sporadic times throughout the day, spouts a muddy font of water from its top for folk to bathe in.

The refreshing fountain.

The refreshing fountain.

There are more food vendors and Porta-pots, there’s stations for refilling water bottles, there are souvenir stands.

Food vendors.

Food vendors.

To the left of Centeroo (if you’re facing it from What Stage) is Which Stage, the second biggest stage, with a medium-sized field in front of it. On past Which Stage and Centeroo, the Cinema Tent is off on its own a ways to the left, and then there are sort of two fields with This Tent and That Tent on opposite sides. In between these, there’s a little adobe hut serving as a Post Office, and the Comedy Barn, and these head back toward a relatively empty area that features a ferris wheel, a Silent Disco (where everyone dances with head phones), some sort of tent always playing metal, The Other Tent and a few picnic tables. Between This Tent and The Other Tent, there’s a big empty stretch with a lot of sculptures around – fireflies on long sticks whose butts light up, big egg things hanging from a tree, a cutout castle, a metal dragon, a giant metal snowman full of fire that can be ignited by jumping on him in the right way, and also in the midst of all this, a little burlesque stage off to the side.

Fireflies, with ferris wheel behind.

Fireflies, with ferris wheel behind.

This is probably not a very clear or accurate description of the Bonnaroo grounds, but it is accurate in that all of this is sort of a hodgepodge of similar sites – tent, stage, Cajun food, funnel cake, line of Porta-pots, tent, Porta-pots, installation, frozen lemonade cart, repeat – and it’s too confusing and bothersome to orient oneself, really – I adopted the system of just wandering until I ran into wherever I was trying to be.

We first lined up at the back of the crowd in That Tent to see The Dirty Projectors. I had no familiarity with this band at all, I couldn’t see anything, and I have to hear something multiple times before it makes any lasting imprint in my mind, so I can’t really tell you anything about the band, other than that I liked them at the time (this shows you about how good a Bonnaroo correspondent I am going to be – Rolling Stone, here I come!). David Byrne came out and joined them for the final song, and I don’t remember that, either (mostly because I couldn’t see any of it). What I do recall was that when we first tacked ourselves on to the back of the crowd, we were maddeningly close to the shade cast by the tent, and I felt it was a matter of personal survival that I worm my way into that shade. Luckily, the crowd kept moving up by stages, as people left the tent for other acts, so before long, we were under the cover, and I felt a lot better about everything, despite still being packed firm as brown sugar.

The Dirty Projectors.

The Dirty Projectors.

We caught about the last half hour of The Dirty Projectors show, and after that, Chris wanted to see the Don Hertzfeldt show at the Cinema Tent.

Don Hertzfeldt is the animator whose short, Rejected, was nominated for an Oscar awhile back. If you have not seen Rejected, google and watch it now – it’s great. Chris is a big fan, and played it Wednesday morning before we left, and I thought it was hilarious. Hertzfeldt is a master of Kafka-esque humor; his films are full of simple characters neutrally experiencing the myriad unpleasantnesses of life, plodding through repetitive banality, only to be blindsided by meaningless and inexplicable chaos and horror. Chris is such a Hertzfeldt fan, he was even wearing his Rejected T-shirt.

Incidentally, I feel like there’s some joke about how it’s lame to wear the T-shirt of the band you’re going to see to their concert, but I think now that this must be outdated humor – there were all kinds of people wearing T-shirts of the bands they were seeing at Bonnaroo, and I doubt these folks would fail to be hip. Of course, perhaps it’s now cool to wear the T-shirt of the band you’re going to see ironically. Or, maybe these people were attending the shows of other bands at the same time as the band on their T-shirt was playing! Wouldn’t that be hostile? (I don’t have any T-shirts with bands on them, but I do have one with David Bowie’s face on it.)

We headed over to the Cinema Tent, and Chris got in the short line, while Sara and I went to refill our water bottles. The line at the refilling station, however, wasn’t moving at all.

Long ass water line.

Long ass water line.

Eventually, we noticed various other lines forming perpendicular to the one we’d originally gotten on, so we gave up on the water bottles and went to stand in the cinema line, where Chris had befriended a couple of stoned boys from Florida who both looked like stand-ins for That 70′s Show. We all stood there in the line and talked for a long time. It was still extremely hot. After we’d stood there for awhile, a tiny freckled orange-haired girl passed out and started seizing from the heat. She came around and seemed alright (though very embarrassed) and was led into the tent for some ice water. Then, a giant foam Butterfinger came around handing out mini-Snickers.

No, just kidding! They were mini-Butterfingers, of course! We all refused them initially, but when the Butterfinger told us they were cold, we all took them. At long last, the rope was pulled back, and we all filed into the dark, heavily air-conditioned cinema tent, which had rows and rows of folding chairs facing a screen.

We watched all manner of Don Hertzfeldt films. I enjoyed them, but then I started to feel really light-headed, even just sitting there in the air-conditioned dark. I ate a ProBar I had in my purse, and felt better. Don Hertzfeldt opened a Q&A after the screening (and after that, Chris managed to get his T-shirt autographed), but I cut out at that point, because the Yeah Yeah Yeahs were performing at Which Stage. I really love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and was especially excited for this show. I am dimly aware that maybe the Yeah Yeah Yeahs aren’t cool anymore, is that right? Or perhaps they’re just thought of as really white, I don’t know. At any rate, I love them, and I really like Karen O’s voice and style and think she’s bad ass. When I arrived at Which Stage, I saw a little stand of bleachers that not many people seemed to be occupying, so I thought I’d sit on them, but they were for VIPs. As far as I can see, this is an excellent reason to spring for VIP tickets – people in the bleachers were actually able to watch the shows at both the stages (although I don’t think they had any enhanced vantage point in the tents). Otherwise, Which Stage was a packed, frying pan of a field. I started out relatively close to the stage, by the area where the cameramen perched, but so many people ended up pressed in on top of me that I had to withdraw. I was verging on panic attack again, and anyway, I couldn’t see anything, so there was no advantage to being closer. I have never been in a packed mob trying to see something up front without some six foot dude slipping around me with a polite ‘Excuse me,’ only to stand right in front of my face, as if I were standing there for some purpose unrelated to the performance onstage.

Right as I was planning my escape, Emily called and said she was to the left of the bleachers, so I fought my way back through the crowd and then all the way across to the right of the bleachers, which was no little trouble, let me tell you, and after I’d realized my mistake and fought my way back across to the left of the bleachers, I at last found Emily (and Jason), and we proceeded to squint at the stage. Very far away, a tiny Karen O was cavorting in front of an enormous blue eyeball. She wore a kimono, which she eventually dropped to reveal a romper and what appeared to be yellow striped tights. For some songs, she put a white drapey shawl-thing on her shoulders; other times, she took that back off. I think it was the wrong venue for this band, really – the music overwhelmed the vocals, and Karen O seemed to be struggling to fill up the space with her voice and her dancing. It was kind of stressful to watch, and I didn’t feel included at all, so before the end of the performance, we left in search of beers, shade and arepas.

Karen O, with eyeball.

Karen O, with eyeball.

One of the main problems with Bonnaroo is that the great amount of musical acts they are able to offer by running five stages simultaneously means you are bound to have to decide between many bands you really like. Nearly all of the bands I actually knew something about all seemed to overlap. I would have liked to catch Grizzly Bear – I have heard a couple of their songs and liked them – and I could have caught the end of their show, but I was sort of burnt out on concerts by this point (having seen half of two). Instead, we rode the ferris wheel. We stood in a brief line with a dad and small boy. The dad told us all about himself without prompting (this turned out to be true of many Bonnaroo attendees), and told what he obviously felt was an impressive story about his earlier visit with a woman (whose name I didn’t recognize, but who was obviously one of the musicians performing at the festival) who he’d gone to high school with, and who’d come out of her dressing room to say hi to them in — ‘Tell them what she was wearing, son?’ ‘A bra!!’

The ferris wheel yielded an eagle-eye view of just how vast Bonnaroo’s camping grounds were. These photos are all of different directions:

Camping...

Camping...

...and more camping...

...and more camping...

...and yet more camping...

...and yet more camping...

...and three guesses.

...and three guesses.

The Bonnaroo attendance was around 75,000 this year. Manchester’s population is less than 10,000 (related side-note: if you google ‘Manchester, TN,’ the Bonnaroo website is the third result, after the city’s official web page and its Wikipedia entry; this is especially entertaining, because the Bonnaroo website does not have ‘Manchester’ in its title or description).

When we alighted from the ferris wheel, the sun had more or less set. Emily was torn between seeing Lucinda Williams and Ani DiFranco; she settled on Lucinda Williams, which I was happy about, because I could go with her, whereas I probably would have had to find something else to do if she’d gone to see Ani. I’d never seen Lucinda Williams before, but really enjoyed her entire set at This Tent, although again, I have no memory of it now to describe it for you. I can report, however, that she wore a black tank top and a black cowboy hat, and her muscly arms clenched at the guitar in the way of all cool folksinger chicks. I know this, because there were a great many mud puddles in This Tent, forcing large gaps in the crowd which increased visibility. Emily and I had had several $6 beers by this time, and toward the end of Lucinda Williams, we had to pee most desperately. We held out, though, and made a mad rush for the Port-a-Pots once the set had finished.

The Port-a-Pots are one of the more unpleasant Bonnaroo experiences. It was entirely necessary to use them multiple times each day – even if you opted not to drink beer (which is not something I can commit to when I have long periods of unoccupied time in close proximity to beer), you had to stay hydrated in the heat, so there was really no avoiding Port-a-Pot usage, and they were indeed foul. We learned after the first day to bring our own tissue packs, as TP was often out, and to bring Wet Wipes, as the hand-washing stations were not adjacent to the Port-a-Pots in any way and were sometimes impractical to get to immediately – and you did want to clean your hands immediately upon exiting, even if you didn’t touch anything but the door handle. I am forever grateful to my mother for teaching me to hover from a young age, ensuring muscular thighs and reliable balance that will enable me to emerge unscathed from any foul bathroom situation. Of course, the ideal thing is to have a penis.

Port-a-pots.

Port-a-pots.

The Beastie Boys were headlining Friday night at What Stage, so we headed over there to meet up with all our friends. What Stage was already impassibly crowded. We crawled along the edge of the fray, by the food tents, and hovered there, dancing back and forth to avoid the converging streams of travelers with giant plates of fried potatoes and ketchupy hot dogs and slopping cups of beer, and Emily called her brother. He and Jeff were in the thick of it, and suggested we fight our way out to them, which we weren’t really sure about. Sara and Chris met up with us, and we expressed our reluctance to penetrate the crowd (or, really, to listen to the Beastie Boys). After hovering there for about half a song, we headed out into the now deserted other quadrants of Bonnaroo and Sara spread a sheet she’d brought out on the ground. At some point, Chris left to go get ready for his shift (he was shooting Public Enemy and then Paul Oakenfold, from midnight to 4:00am), and Michael and Jeff joined us (they weren’t overwhelmed with the Beastie Boys), and we drank a great many $6 fresh blended fruit drinks mixed with $0 vodka, and really had a merry old time.

At some point, we all split up, and decided to go wandering around. Sara, Emily and I found a performance of some sort that went into intermission just as we arrived. We spread out our sheet and watched some women in striped thigh-highs and bustiers and a couple of giant, fat guys with affected Cheech-type accents ape a sort of Weimar-era circus act type thing, where different performers reclined on nail beds, and then piled bricks and women on top, and that sort of thing.

A lot going on here.

A lot going on here.

Then, there was some hula-hooping, and soon after, Emily, Jason, Sara and I left. When we got back to Emily’s, I took a badly needed and tremendously appreciated shower, ate some trail mix, and collapsed into bed. Chris and the boys wouldn’t get back until well after daybreak.

Saturday

‘Oh, fuck,’ was my first thought upon waking Saturday morning. ‘I have two more days of this.’

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the concerts or anything. It’s just that I was quite sure I wasn’t interested enough to sustain this for two more full days. I suddenly felt extremely foolish for deciding to attend a four-day concert in the first place (however free the tickets). I am not a concert goer. It’s never once occurred to me to go to a concert without a friend extending an invitation. Before Bonnaroo, I had been to one Tori Amos concert, two They Might Be Giants concerts, two Indigo Girls concerts…and I’m pretty sure that’s it. And at least two of those weren’t so much concerts as they were free summer outdoor events. Bonnaroo 2009 is the most concert I’ve ever gotten in my life thus far!

Luckily, there was quite a lot of fooling around the house to be done before we made our way back to the festival grounds. First of all, Emily and Jason had settled on Freckles, and brought him home. We sat out on the back porch playing with the puppy, who was already 28 pounds at 12 weeks, and had paws the size of clay pigeons. He also had the loose skin and knock-kneed awkwardness of all puppies and kept rolling adorably off the porch and then straining at hopping back up, like a little kid coming out of the deep end.

What's that, Freckles?

What's that, Freckles?

Oh, you are too much!

Oh, ha, ha, ha, you are too much!

He also took every opportunity to make a break for his childhood home, inconveniently located right next door complete with mom, dad and remaining siblings. Emily wasn’t quite sure what to do about that, but decided that when we left, she would put him in a horse stable she happened to have handy on her massive property.

Also, Sara made French toast for breakfast, and Emily cooked bacon in a pot. I did not know such a thing was possible, but you can just cut the bacon in half and throw it in there.

Eventually, it was time once more for Bonnaroo. I rode with Emily, Jason and the boys, Sara and Chris having gone on ahead. We parked in day parking this time, as the massive lines had only persisted for the initial days of the festival, and so we had a shorter walk. The line at security was far shorter today, as well, likely because it was nearly 5:00pm by this time. Apparently, Jimmy Buffet had made a surprise appearance at noon that day, but we’d all missed it.

Emily wanted to see Jenny Lewis at That Tent. I called Sara, who had spread her sheet out at What Stage and was waiting to see Wilco. When I reached her, she was in a great spot just behind the scaffolding where the cameramen were, the fencing around which scaffolding even provided a small scrim of shade. The sun did not feel as intense, and it was nice sitting there, with a beer and a bit of personal space. Eventually, Wilco played, too, and they were really good. Um…fast? I don’t have a damn clue how to describe music, frankly. Why am I even writing this?

Wilco

Wilco

One thing I was really disappointed about was the relatively chill atmosphere at Bonnaroo this year.  I had heard so many tales of bad acid trips and other drug-related freakouts, and I was really looking forward to seeing some crazy shit go down.  No luck, though.  We did see this dude dancing at Wilco, though:

Woo!

Woo!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

I love you, Phish!

I love you, Phish!

From 7ish to 8ish, both Elvis Costello and The Decemberists were playing, and this was a tough decision for me. I ended up wandering by Elvis Costello (at That Tent), who Emily said played an absolutely rocking show (she was up front for the whole thing), but for the couple songs I caught, he sounded particularly hoarse, and looked sweaty and uncomfortable, and it started to make me feel stressed about things.

Elvis Costello.

Elvis Costello.

I then went over to This Tent, where The Decemberists sounded really awesome. I have some awareness that The Decemberists aren’t supposed to be cool anymore now, either, is that so? I don’t know. I guess I have a great fondness for super-white bands that were hip exactly 2.5 years ago. Anyway, I haven’t heard much of their stuff since Picaresque, so I don’t know if they’ve added new members, but the woman was singing a lot more than she usually does, and she sounded fantastic – it also sounded like maybe there were additional women singing? I don’t know; as usual, I couldn’t see the stage at all. I actually quite like Colin Meloy’s weird, HomestarRunner-ish-sounding voice, but I know a lot of people hate it, so maybe he’s trying not to dominate the vocals so much anymore. They also seemed to have a ton of really awesome visual things going on – I saw lights, and the tops of various props and things, and maybe costumes? – but I’ll be damned if I could find any spot to catch so much as a glimpse, so eventually, I gave it up and wandered over to the field and sat there for awhile, just listening and thinking.

I assert my personal space, pissing off some girl.

I assert my personal space, pissing off some girl.

Before long, I started to feel lonely and worried, so I called everyone trying to figure out where I could meet up with someone. Luckily, Emily and Jason were eating, so, as I was starving to death, I headed over to where they were, at a picnic table by the ferris wheel. I inhaled a giant mound of red beans and rice, topped with a barbecued chicken skewer of at least two chicken’s worth of chicken, and immediately felt stuffed and remorseful. Sharing the picnic table with us were a chubby, long-haired couple from some Midwestern place, and the guy was quite stoned and happily monologuing about their trip and what all they’d seen so far.

‘Are you talking with your mouthful?’ interrupted his girlfriend. ‘Here, take my plate.’ They wandered off through the misting tent.

By this time, it was 8:30 or so, and almighty Bruce loomed ahead. Frankly, the three of us were ready to leave. Emily apologized several times throughout the trip for being such a party-pooper and wearing out on everything quickly, but I was massively relieved she had finally aged to my usual level of constant exhaustion. I’ve never been an endurance partier; I’m more of a social sprinter. I don’t think I could have made it had I had to spend a full, round, four days of solid, participatory Bonnaroo attendance.

But anyway, even wet blankets have to see Bruce Springsteen. Well, not ‘see,’ of course, but ‘be within earshot of,’ at least. We headed over to What Stage, which was Beastie Boys Part Two. Sara still had her spot she’d had for Wilco earlier, but we didn’t see how we could get over there. Michael and Jeff joined us at this point, and we added ourselves to the edge of seated people, which kept encroaching further and further into the pedestrian lane by the food stalls. We then spent a good thirty minutes getting stepped on and waiting for Bruce to appear. Some giant, bald, blue collar guys flopped down in front of us. Two of them immediately laid down and went to sleep, but the third (wearing a flesh-toned Spandex shirt, camouflage shorts and a bandana) struck up a conversation with us, about how he slaves all year for the man, just waiting for Bonnaroo, where he can cut loose and just enjoy himself, talk to people, be outdoors. He then sampled a bottle of coke and Peppermint Schnapps that one of us was drinking, and was very impressed. ‘Y’all are wild!’ exclaimed dude. ‘I like y’all, y’all are crazy.’

Bruce took his sweet ass time about coming onstage. He finally started around 9:30 or so, and we stayed for a few songs. I didn’t recognize any of them. I happen to be very familiar with the Tunnel of Love album – in fact, I could probably sing all the songs on it from memory right now. The reason is that Tunnel of Love was one of two tapes my dad possessed when I was a kid (the other being Bonnie Raitt’s Love In the Nick of Time), and we would listen to it on a loop whenever we took a car trip somewhere. Other than that, however, I am only familiar with the big Bruce hits everybody knows.

Bruce Springsteen, and his E Street Band.

Bruce Springsteen, and his E Street Band.

A closer view of Bruce.

A closer view of Bruce.

Bruce, after the crowd thinned out some.

Bruce, after the crowd thinned out some.

To me, Bruce sounded really old and tired and raspy. Sara and Chris report, however, that he played an amazing set, and that it was really long, and in the middle he opened it up to requests and just played whatever people wanted for, like, seven songs.

But I didn’t see any of that, because, as you’ll surely be shocked to hear, Emily, Jason and I left after two songs. When we arrived back at Emily’s house, we found that Freckles had escaped from the stable and returned to the bosom of his family. I had another thoroughly satisfying shower and went to bed.

Sunday

Sunday morning, I awoke to find Emily and Jason once again acclimating Freckles to the porch. Freckles’ dad, the boxer, had followed them back and was standing around suspiciously, scrutinizing his son’s new gig. Once he’d decided what he thought, he lifted his leg and pissed all over the grill. Freckles’ new owners, meanwhile, gave him a giant red meat bone and were vigilant in refusing dad access to it, and that was pretty much all it took for Freckles to rearrange where his loyalties lay. Shortly, the neighbors came by with the mom and two of the siblings, and Freckles pranced around with his bone, displaying everything he’d managed to come into. The puppies turned on each other, suddenly rivals. This drama, with its underlying implications, would have been depressing, except it was enacted by puppies, so it was fucking adorable.

Sara and Chris had not gotten in till after daybreak again, but they’d managed to stop by Wal-Mart, and when they got up, they made pancakes and bacon. (Yeah, that’s right, bitchez! We had bacon three mornings in a row, cause that’s how we roll.) We did try to get moving relatively quickly that morning, because Emily really wanted to see Erykah Badu at 3:30, and Chris wanted to enjoy his first day not having to stay focused and alert to work at midnight. We had a frenetic time getting out of the house, with people running in and out. Emily and I started to leave, then she forgot her wristband (which, by the way, a word on the wristbands: they were meant to be irremovable, but as soon as we got them, everyone else started tugging at theirs so that they could get them on and off. I, on the other hand, tugged mine as tight as it would go, and so was stuck with it all four days. The tails of it were pretty long and between the mud, and the puppies, and the Porta-Pots, and the spilling beer, and the breakfasts with syrup, I was really ready when it finally came time to cut the damn thing off.), so we went back, and then Michael and Jeff were almost ready, and then we might as well take Jason’s truck, and so forth. Eventually, we were on the way, and well before 3:30, Sara, Emily and I were on Sara’s sheet at the same general spot as before, waiting for Erykah Badu to appear.

Today there was no shade, and it was very, very hot. I had worn knee-length denim cut-offs for some reason, and they were soaked with sweat. The sun was so intense, I found it necessarily to reapply my SPF 55 before the concert had even started. Bonnaroo is a very communal sort of festival – you’re offered all kinds of things by those around you, and are supposed to reciprocate in kind. By the time my 55 got back to me, it was empty. Still, the sun. Still, no Erykah. Her band and back-up singers came out one by one, and finally, she appeared, in sunglasses, skin-tight jeans, stilettos, and a hoodie with the hood up. I got heatstroke just looking at her. This time I actually could see the stage, which was a new experience for me, but I still can’t describe the music, although I do remember it, being somewhat familiar with Erykah Badu. Anyway, she was great, to the point where the concert seemed really short to me, which is saying something, as all concerts seem interminable to me, even if I’m really enjoying them. I had actually intended to cut out early, because Andrew Bird was playing at Which Stage, and I’m a big fan of his, but we still managed to catch a few songs. I have some vague awareness that Andrew Bird is recently cool, yes? Which makes me really proud of myself, because I have liked him longer than most people. I saw him open for The Magnetic Fields at a concert at Chicago’s Old Town School of Folk Music (hey, there’s another concert I forgot about!), and thought that he was great. I also liked The Magnetic Fields a lot, but I’ve since gone off them because I read an interview where Stephin Merritt talked a lot about how the lyrics to songs shouldn’t mean anything and none of his do. Which, I know that most music fans don’t really care about lyrics, but I am a verbal person, and I really listen to lyrics. And the thing is, whether you do or don’t care about them much, if you’re a musician and you do choose to have lyrics (you don’t have to have them at all, and lots of bands mostly don’t have them), then shouldn’t they be necessary? Why would you put anything in your music that you don’t really want there? If you are going to have lyrics, commit to them at least is all I’m saying. Anyway, I think Which Stage was too large a venue for Andrew Bird; again, I didn’t feel included.

Andrew Bird.

Andrew Bird.

After that, Emily was ready to go. Phish was headlining that night – we had missed them on Friday and we liked it so well, we thought we’d miss them again. I kind of wanted to hear Neko Case, though, so we headed over to This Tent, where Emily and Jason got involved in a game of frisbee with some folks, and I chased the moving shade. Michael and Jeff joined us shortly, and after awhile Neko Case started to play somewhere over behind the mob of people, but we were pretty much depleted and we left.

And that, more or less, was my Bonnaroo experience. I enjoyed it, although I think I personally would have benefited more from one solid day of bands I really liked, as four days was just too much for me. And I would have liked to be able to actually see some of the bands. But if you want to go to Bonnaroo, I definitely would recommend getting free tickets. Also, a lot of people camp around the festival site, but I would recommend staying in a giant, comfortable nearby house with hot showers, a washer-dryer and a puppy. That’s what I did, and it worked out really well. Also, I’d suggest having a big breakfast cooked for you every morning, because it really helps get you through the first half of the day. Just a few suggestions.

Au revoir!

Au revoir!

June 5, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: Lars and the Real Girl

Lars (Ryan Gosling) lives in his brother Gus’s garage in bleak Wisconsin. He has no friends, prefers not to be touched, and is at best eccentric, at worst mentally ill. His pregnant sister-in-law Karen (Emily Mortimer) is determined to make him feel included in her and Gus’s life, even if she has to physically tackle him and drag him to the dinner table (which she does). The small community views Lars as well-meaning and lonely rather than antisocial, possibly because he has developed the brilliant trick of accompanying all of his social feints and dodges with a disarming grin. When Lars shows up at Karen and Gus’s door with a life-sized, anatomically correct sex doll he introduces as his girlfriend (an orphaned, wheelchair-bound missionary), they decide it’s time to get him some help. The town doctor/shrink, Dagmar (Patricia Clarkson), diagnoses Lars with a delusion that he’ll outgrow when he no longer has need of it, and recommends his family play along.

I loved this film, which, despite what you might think, is not at all about sexual dysfunction or sexual politics between men and women. Rather, it is about one man’s specific struggle to acclimate himself to human contact. It’s sad in a quiet way, but despite the miserable Wisconsin setting, the dullness of the character’s daily lives, and the darkly comic premise, it’s more a feel-good picture than anything. Watching it, I kept waiting for the offensive joke, or the cynical twist, or even the surely inevitable moment when Something Really Bad happens, but it never came. Rather, the characters go about their business, trying as best they can to be kind to each other despite awkwardness and hurt feelings, and in the end, they all seem likely to prevail. This is not a challenging or brave movie, but it is a hopeful and entertaining one that allows its characters dignity and individuality.

Plus, the entire cast portrays thoroughly likable characters. Kelli Garner is smackably adorable as Margo, a coworker with a hopeless crush on Lars. Garner’s Margo twitches in a perpetual state of breathless anticipation, her rabbity face always at the ready to beam with joy or crumple in devastation at any chance remark. Emily Mortimer manages to radiate an all-encompassing warmth and maternal solicitude as Karen, despite her squeaky voice and reedy frame. And Ryan Gosling plays Lars perfectly, using every gesture to simultaneously telegraph both his wish to be left alone and his fear of giving offense. Yet in situations where Lars feels comfortable, he drops all his affectations like a sheet (or the baby blanket he carries at all times), and startles those around him with his sudden candor.

May 31, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: Smart People

Widowed English professor Lawrence (Dennis Quaid) has obtuse and uninteresting students, and a book of criticism he can’t publish. His son barely speaks to him, and his daughter Vanessa (Ellen Page) worships and imitates him at the expense of her own likability. His sponging, irresponsible adopted brother, Chuck (Thomas Hayden Church), has shown up, begging (not for the first time) to stay with him. And on top of it all, his car gets impounded with his briefcase inside, and when he scales the fence to retrieve it, he falls and has a seizure. The ER doctor (Sarah Jessica Parker) turns out to be a former student, and the two go on a terrible first-date, in which Lawrence rambles on pedantically until Janet walks out. The drift of this movie is no surprise: Chuck and Janet persist in blowing some sunshine up the clenched asses of this alienated family, resulting in loving personal connections and greater self-awareness for all.

Smart People was not well-received, but I thought it was a perfectly enjoyable film. Although the premise was nothing new, there were some genuinely original elements – particularly revolving around the characters of Vanessa and Chuck. Whip smart and tartly cynical, Vanessa is also prudish and matronly, having assumed a housewife-like role in the family in order to endear herself to her distant father. In the film’s most cringeworthy moment, she drunkenly throws herself at her horrified uncle, resulting in his awkwardly avoiding her, to her increasing annoyance. The arc of Vanessa and Chuck’s friendship is funny and endearing, embarrassing and real, and I have not previously seen anything like it in a movie. Unfortunately, Ellen Page has become so associated with her breakout character Juno that I was unable to see her as Vanessa. While Vanessa was meant to be frumpish, thorny and tightly-wound, she kept coming across as spunky and adaptable. I don’t think Page’s performance was to blame for this; it’s just very difficult to see her as anyone other than America’s favorite knocked-up teen. I’m sure she’ll distance herself eventually, though.

May 31, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: Mrs. Brown

In deep and excessive mourning for her dead husband, Queen Victoria (Judy Dench) sends for his old servant, John Brown (Billy Connolly), a Scottish highlander. Brown routs the Queen out of her funk, and she becomes taken with him and his vigorous good-nature and stubborn informality. The two enter into a close friendship dancing around a possible love affair, but the Royal family (and the British government) is not thrilled with Brown’s ascendancy. Pushed to the periphery, Brown becomes increasingly obsessed with guarding the Queen’s safety, leading to further misunderstandings.

The film has some subtly hilarious moments: the Queen and princesses paddling awkwardly into the river in full bathing costumes; the power struggles among the servants; Dame Judy’s tart and flatly delivered one-liners (“That’s a very pretty shawl, Alix . . . but you’re not eating enough.”). It’s also very well acted – both Dench and Connolly give performances of restrained intensity – though I found Anthony Sher’s overacted portrayal of PM Benjamin Disraeli unwatchable. He shoots for charismatic, but lands on unctuous, and also seems to be winking at the camera.

Can there ever be too many movies in which various Queens of Great Britain, fettered by status and power, pine for working class men they can never truly have? Probably.

(Incidentally, in this movie, a penis makes a brief onscreen appearance, but there is no female nudity. I wonder how many films you can say that about?)

May 16, 2009

I’ve Been Reading: The Elegance of the Hedgehog

I always approach translated novels with a grain of salt. I have a very smart friend who refuses to read them, because he doesn’t think he can truly get the author’s intent, and while I understand his point of view, I’m not willing to limit myself so severely. I just keep in mind that whatever I’m getting is not as good as the novel is meant to be. Even with foreign films, it’s a bit easier to understand the real intent, because the actors are speaking in the language, and you can sort of see where the subtitles convey the meaning, and where they’re just sort of there. You can get the gist. But with a translated novel, there’s no trace of the original before the translator worked on it, so if something isn’t really conveyed, you’ll never know it.

That said, I really enjoyed Muriel Barbery’s The Elegance of the Hedgehog (trans. Alison Anderson). Madame Renee Michel is a smart concierge from a rural, lower-class family. She hides her intelligence from the buildings’ wealthy tenants, and smolders at what she believes is the necessity of doing so. Meanwhile, Paloma Josse, a young girl who lives in the building, also hides her intelligence (and precocious cynicism) from her family. Like Madame Michel, she resents those around her for failing to penetrate her facade. But then, Monsieur Kakuro Ozu moves into the building. He is a friendly, open, charismatic Japanese man, and he becomes interested in both Madame Michel and Paloma, and helps them to become notice each other, and (eventually) everybody else. Ultimately, the story ends tragically, but it’s a good, cozy kind of sad.

The novel is about the ways in which intelligence can alienate one from others, but wisdom can reconnect one again.

I didn’t really relate to the intensity of Madame Michel’s class-based inferiority complex. Perhaps my being an American makes this difficult for me to understand. I don’t know that much about France, but am surprised to hear that someone born into an uneducated, rural family, who was able intellectually to rise above their station, would still feel sufficiently constrained by their social class that they would have to pretend to be a moron to avoid offending people. While we’re certainly classist in this country, the ability to converse, read and write with the best of them would permit most people to mobilize upwards without rocking anyone’s world.

Helen DeWitt’s The Last Samurai is also a novel about the limits of intelligence. I fucking loved this book.

Sibylla has a one-night stand because she can’t think of a polite way to get out of having it, and ends up raising Ludo, a genius with an insatiable hunger for stimulation. Sibylla’s main problem is, she has to make their money by typing boring periodicals into a database, and is paid by the piece, so she must choose between ignoring her restless young son and failing to make rent. They spend a lot of time riding around on the subway, and Sibylla teaches Ludo a number of languages in an attempt to start him on something absorbing that he can then continue on independently. Public school, needless to say, turns out to be a non-starter for Ludo. The first half of the book is narrated by Sibylla, who is a fascinating and entertaining character, the more so because she is not very likable. She seems almost autistic in her inability to truly connect with or become interested in other people, but at the same time, she is anxious not to hurt or offend anyone (thus sleeping with Ludo’s father, rather than risk the social awkwardness of rejecting him).

As Ludo ages, he eventually takes over the narration entirely, and his main desire is to figure out who his father is. He knows that he’s a travel writer, and the second half of the book is concerned entirely with Ludo’s search. While Ludo finds his biological father immediately, he feels no true kinship with the man, and continues to search for a true father, ‘trying on’ six other fascinating men with varying degrees of success. Ultimately, Ludo realizes that his most pressing problem is not forming new deep personal connections, but saving the only one he already has. In the end, Sibylla and Ludo are harmed by their undeniable gifts: they are bored, economically thwarted, and socially isolated. Some of Ludo’s father figures are deeply gifted, others are not, and sadly, those who have the most to offer do not manage to get the most out of life. In The Last Samurai, the world is not a welcoming place for outstanding people.

Earlier, I mentioned my distrust of the ability of translations to truly convey authors’ intent. Sibylla, a scholar of languages, spends much of TLS mourning the limitations of writing only in one language at a time. She believes that in literature of the future, the word used to convey an idea will be the word best suited to the meaning, regardless of which language that word is found in.

Both of these novels dealt with suicide – Paloma carefully plots her own suicide, which she plans to commit on her birthday, unless the world can convince her it’s worth living in by that time. One of Ludo’s fathers commits suicide, and, Sibylla having attempted it in the past, her doing so is a major worry for him. While reading these two novels, I also watched The Bridge, which is a documentary about people throwing themselves off the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s a pretty straightforward documentary, entirely consisting of interviews of the family members of several people who’ve died in this way, and of people who’d thwarted or observed suicides on the bridge. It seemed to me as if most people interviewed either entirely understood the state of mind that leads to suicide, or couldn’t at all comprehend what could possibly lead someone to take their own life. While I’ve certainly never been suicidal (teenage angst and Bell Jar worshiping aside), it surprises me that many people are apparently so unfamiliar with anything approaching suicidal depression that they can’t even imagine it. I found that very refreshing, and was most interested in hearing the interviews with people who were thoroughly mystified by friends or family members having jumped.

Actually, we don’t really know why people commit suicide. This interesting article (via MR), focusing on the high correlation between anorexia and suicides, lists some factors that seem consistent:

In essence, Joiner proposed that people who kill themselves must meet two sets of conditions on top of feeling depressed and hopeless. First, they must have a serious desire to die. This usually comes about when people feel they are an intolerable burden on others, while also feeling isolated from people who might provide a sense of belonging.

Second, and most important, people who succeed in killing themselves must be capable of doing the deed. This may sound obvious, but until Joiner pointed it out, no one had tried to figure out why some people are able to go through with it when most are not. No matter how seriously you want to die, Joiner says, it is not an easy thing to do. The self-preservation instinct is too strong.

I don’t know, though – the doctors quoted in the article explain how anorexia can lead to social isolation and tolerance of pain, which are characteristics that make for successful suicides. But it seems to me that there’s a suicidal impulse behind anorexia itself – I realize that anorexia is more of a control thing than anything, but it seems like slowly starving yourself is on some level a pre-suicide, along the lines of initial shallow razor cuts. The article explains that anorexics tend to be socially isolated because they avoid any situations that will involve eating. But is that perhaps putting the egg before the chicken? Developing anorexia is a good way of avoiding and controlling social interactions.

Also, I feel like in memoirs of attempted suicides, people often speak about the depression being so overwhelming that physical pain simply doesn’t register – or depression being so numbing that the physical pain is a relief, in that at least it’s a feeling of something. It seems like suicide is escaping an absolutely overwhelming and constant emotional pain, and I find it hard to believe that steeling yourself for the temporary physical pain of actually committing the act can be that big of a hurdle.

Speaking of suicide, there’s a new book about the Wittgenstein family out. Wittgenstein was like the Midas of suicides – everyone he encountered seemed to do themselves in. His life could make an excellent indie dark comedy flick.

May 16, 2009

Oscars, Outrages, Etc.

Another Oscars ceremony has come and gone. I haven’t seen many of the movies, other than Vicki Christina, which I was happy Penelope Cruz won Best Supporting for her work in, because she was awesome; and WALL-E, which was great. And I was glad Winslet won, because, although I’m sure The Reader is just as bad as everyone says it is, she is one of my favorite actors and I think she’s a great role model for young women.

I have not seen Slumdog Millionaire, but everyone seems to have a strong opinion about it. Most of the people I know who’ve seen it really loved it, and I’m sure it’s great and all, but of course, like anything involving depictions of the “real” India by non-Indians and/or of the lives of the “real” poor by the wealthy, many people have their quarrels with the authenticity of it.

Again, I haven’t seen it, but I’m sure I’d probably agree with this post, which discusses the fact that the celebrated salvation from desperate poverty has to come from without, a financial deus ex machina, and that the female lead is a helpless battered woman who can do nothing for herself until some other man falls in love with her and saves her. In how many movies do we see this? And how many of these female characters are Asian? You’d almost think men have an unrealistic porny fantasy about “rescuing” battered, dependent, passive beauties from developing countries. Undoubtedly, these bruised and delicate flowers would know how to appreciate a good, loving master husband, unlike spoiled, bitchy feminists with their own money and their self-sufficiency.

Of course, being that the male lead in this particular movie is a young man from the Mumbai slums, I’m digressing a bit. Ahem. Where were we?

Oh, yes. Slumdog. Still, people are happy that the movie won because it’s so long been the boring standard that in America, any movie about people other than white Americans are niche films . . . unless, that is, they primarily focus on the way in which people other than white Americans affect white Americans. Which brings me to Gran Torino. Apparently, conservatives are pissed that Gran Torino didn’t get recognized and Milk did. Since, you know, Milk is about the rights of a group of people conservatives haven’t yet adjusted their prejudice about, and Gran Torino is about an old white dude and how he feels about some Vietnamese people he has to deal with. Now, a movie about Vietnamese gangs would be of no interest to these same people. That would be a niche film, of interest only to Vietnamese gangs and the liberals who care about them. But a movie about how an old white dude is affected by Vietnamese gangs…now that’s a movie that “everyone” can relate to! Especially when the old white dude is a Christian With Faith, and uses his Legal Gun of Righteousness to save the Vietnamese folk what can’t save themselves, and teaches them how to be more like old white dudes, before he finally drops dead in an oh-so-subtle crucifixion pose (which, so far as I can tell from the Wikipedia entry, is what happens in Gran Torino – I haven’t seen it, or Milk).

I have a very good friend, who is much smarter and more socially conscious than I am, and who has the irritating habit of ruining everything for me by pointing out a totally obvious bit of ridiculousness in some area of the culture that I’d been to thick to spot myself, and it was she who alerted me to this obnoxious habit of Hollywood being more interested in the ways in which racism and prejudice affects old white dudes than in the lives of black people, or immigrants, or anybody else. Now that she’s pointed it out, I see it everywhere. We’ve had Monster’s Ball, Crash, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, so on and so forth, and (as she put it) is it really so endlessly fascinating how old white bigots learn to open their minds? Isn’t there ever going to be a day when we can stop talking primarily to them and making movies about their experiences and trying to understand them and teach them to be better . . . and instead just ignore them until they go away? Are old white bigots really so relevant anymore? Isn’t it time to move on from all that?

Which is what I say in response to this post, in which James Bowman says:

Though in principle it is a good thing to seek a break with the past and the hardened positions on both sides, those positions are the result of the Penn-like tactic of characterizing those on the other side not just as wrong or mistaken but as reactionary in the commie sense – that is, as barriers to inevitable progress who must be removed. If you’re one of the barriers, you may be excused for finding that a somewhat chilling prospect. You have been identified as being, in practice if not in name, evil – that is beyond the bounds of decency and not to be recognized as legitimate in your views by anyone who is decent.

But see, that’s the thing: opponents of gay rights are barriers to inevitable progress who must be removed. Because there are actual gay families who are actually very much affected by conservatives’ slow, resistant refusal to see them as legitimate, and these families need not carefully consider those people who still oppose their rights. They need not try to see it from their side, or come to a compromise, or “respect” their point of view. Gay people simply want to live their lives the way they see fit without going a-begging to people who disapprove of them on every level.

Gay people will get equal rights eventually. And frankly, if that idea chaps your ass for some reason, you should probably get used to being the bad guy.

That said, I’m no fan of Sean Penn. I think he’s a good actor and enjoy his movies, but, as with most celebrities, I assume he an unintelligent, self-absorbed, entitled asshat, and I have absolutely no desire to know him as a person. And also, didn’t Sean Penn beat up Madonna a few times? Celebrity or no, any man who hits his wife should be in jail or in traction, but not in the spotlight, so I’m disappointed to see positive buzz about Penn on one of my favorite feminist sites. And the idea that anyone ever arrested for domestic assault could righteously preach to others about morality…well, only a celebrity would have the balls for that.

May 16, 2009

I’ve Been Watching: The Constant Gardener

The Constant Gardener was a very good film, and just the sort of thing I like. It was political and personal, absorbing and moving. It had a relevant social point, but it wasn’t boring. Which is perhaps why I don’t have anything to say about it. I just liked it. At the same time, I don’t think it was a great piece of cinema. It’s certainly not a movie that I’ll wake up thinking about months from now. But it was solid.

Broken Flowers, on the other hand, was not at all moving. I remember when Bill Murray had some charisma. I don’t know who told him the height of his talent was his ability to be silent, still and unlovable as a rock. Perhaps I’m being a bit unfair to Broken Flowers. I did think nearly every character in this movie was fascinating, three-dimensional and well-drawn, except Murray’s, and perhaps that was the point: he is the dull, passive epicenter around which life moves, but which is itself unmoved by life. And I appreciated the ending: through no real effort of his own, Murray’s character (whose name I can’t even remember) had created a mystery for himself, and his life from here out would be dominated by that wonder, whether he wanted to think about it or not. I suppose my main problem was that I absolutely couldn’t fathom why people were drawn to Murray’s character at all. Why did all these women love him? Of course, women do fling themselves at nothing men all the time, so perhaps that’s not that unrealistic.

Nine Lives was a real stinker of a movie. It felt like being forced to watch some evening of short plays by college-aged playwrights. I have had to sit through more than enough of those evenings in my life. The dialogue felt canned, the settings were too precious (see Robin Wright Penn and dude wheeling eternally through a supermarket), almost all the acting was forced and overly self-conscious. I’m amazed I sat through the entire thing, but I’m glad I did, because the final vignette with Glenn Close and Dakota Fanning was the only good one. It was sweet and sad and real. Like the others, most of the drama remained undeclared, but unlike the others, the emotion seemed believable, and the characters invested and emotionally honest. Still didn’t make up for the previous eight lives, however.

Like Nine Lives, Water Drops On Burning Rocks felt like a stage play, but unlike Nine Lives, WDOBR felt like a play written by a seasoned professional who’s lived a bit (and it was indeed based on a play). This was the best dark comedy about sexual politics and the ways in which we use other people to flagellate ourselves that I’ve seen since Secretary. The grotesque 70s costumes and set design are icing, and there’s a freaking awesome dance sequence toward the end.

Oh, and I finally saw Deliverance. Which was certainly harrowing, but not nearly as horrifying as I’d been led to expect. I thought it was going to be a Misery-style abduction that went on for hours, and I’m very glad it wasn’t. It certainly deserves its place in the canon, although I do not at all believe that John Voight scaled that cliff.

December 3, 2008

Films, You Know, Movies, You Know, Cinema, You Know, Pictures

Which movie of each of these directors is your favorite?

Here’s how I would answer:

1.  Very tough choice between The Big Lebowski and Fargo, but I think I have to go with Lebowski, because I really could watch Jeff Bridges play that character for, like, three additional hours without getting bored.

2.  My favorite Wes Anderson movie changes pretty much monthly, but right now, I’m thinking Bottle Rocket takes top spot.

3.  I’ve only seen Harold & Maude.  Which I liked, but not as much as some people do.

4.  I think I’ve only seen about one-and-a-half Kevin Smith movies, and that was one-and-a-half too many.  I refuse to pick a favorite.

5.  I can’t imagine ever liking any movie better than I liked Kill Bill.  It is the only movie that, after seeing it, I immediately went out and bought, and then watched five times in a row.  No deliberation needed here.

6.  Kubrick’s version of The Shining is my all-time favorite horror movie, and the only such movie I find truly, lastingly frightening.  Close second = Full Metal Jacket.

7.  There Will Be Blood.  Awesome.

8.  I have only seen The Fog of War.

How would you answer?

Obviously, I’ve not been blogging much lately, but it’s not like I’ve just been sitting around watching movies. I have also been watching television and paint drying. Here is a list of all the movies I have in the past few months, and how they affected me:

The Virgin Suicides made me glad I am no longer a teenage girl, and also it made me feel bad for not being extremely thin (about which, come to think of it, is also what I spent the vast majority of my teenage girlhood feeling bad).

Camille Claudet made me feel bad for not being brilliant and dedicated at something, so much so that I get up in the middle of the night and go dig around in mud for it. 

Desperately Seeking Susan made me feel bad for Madonna.

Hellboy 2 made me feel bad for not speaking up when groups of people decide on a movie.

Day For Night made me feel bad for having in the past gotten stupidly and overdramatically involved with various cast-mates; that must have been very trying for everyone around me.

Velvet Underground made me feel bad for not being extremely thin, and for not partying very much, or doing anything interesting.

Belle de Jour made me feel bad for having watched it.

The Double Life of Veronique made me google the movie for an hour afterwards trying to figure out what the hell it was about. Turns out, nobody else knows either.

Vicky Christina Barcelona made me angry, because if a woman had written it, it would have been condescendingly reviewed as yet another chick-flick, but because Woody Allen wrote it, it was reviewed as dry and witty and smart, which isn’t to say that it wasn’t an enjoyable movie, but just that it’s a good example of what I often consider to be an unfair, automatic dismissal of the work of women writers. Also, Penelope Cruz is awesome in it, and every bit as much fun to watch as ScarJo is not. Also, it made me feel bad for not being extremely thin, and for not shacking up with a sexy artist when I did my own long-term travel (not that I met any).

The Swimming Pool made me feel bad for not being extremely thin, and for not getting any writing done.

The Interpreter made me wonder if the UN really is completely empty at night, and if there aren’t any sort of security people or anything around, and also why those people had bothered to be in there talking about their plot, since it didn’t turn out to be necessary at all in any way. Did one of them say, ‘Hey, where should we meet to go over the details of our planned assassination? I don’t feel like paying Manhattan prices for beers. You want to just meet at midnight in the UN Security Council chamber?’ And beyond just that, since (spoiler alert) the assassination plot was a red herring anyway, they were obviously there entirely under the assumption that surely somebody would stumble in after hours and overhear their whispers. Which…what? Possibly, I’m confused about the plot in recollection, but I’m pretty sure it made no sense. Also, this movie made me feel bad for never following through on my vague plan to take the Foreign Service exam. And for not being extremely thin.

La Petite Lilli is even worse than The Seagull.

2 Days In Paris made me feel bad for not being French, extremely thin, quirky and taken. It also made me think how weird it must be to go from dating Julie Delpy to dating Christina Ricci. I bet Adam Goldberg is pissed about his career, too – his girlfriend’s movie, and Chandler’s roommate. Has he been in anything else? I wonder if he blames his tattoos.

The Dinner Game made me wonder if anyone has ever invited me to hang out with them just for the purposes of mocking me, and then I realized that of course they had; that’s what junior high is all about.

The Amityville Horror…sweet lord, what was with the ballet outfit? I wasn’t around when this movie came out, but tell me this was widely mocked at the time, yes? I mean, if you have not seen this movie, Margot Kidder at one point stands in front of a full length mirror in her bedroom and carefully arranges a white flower behind one ear, before doing several plies dressed in an unbuttoned white shirt (with no bra), panties, and one long white leg sock thing that’s like a legging that’s been cut off at the top…but just one. What the hell is that thing? Is that an actual garment? Did somebody say ‘let’s think up the most bizarre sort of dance-inspired lingerie we can imagine to ease us into the sex scene?’ I mean, really? I might go as that scene for Halloween next year.

Forty Shades of Blue – I spent this entire movie thinking that the one guy looked an awful lot like Ed from Northern Exposure, and then I thought, whatever happened to Ed from Northern Exposure? And then I thought about how much I liked Northern Exposure, and how if Alaska were really anything like Northern Exposure, it might be fun to live there, but really, it’d just be cold and then Sarah Palin. And then, I imdb’d the film, and guess what? It was Ed from Northern Exposure!

Belle Epoque had Penelope Cruz in it, too, but she was really young and boring in this one.

The Remains of the Day made me feel bad for never being forthcoming with my feelings, but also good, because I am not the sort of person who would ever employ servants, or feel any sort of loyalty towards a corrupted employer.

Bed and Board made me think it might be really fun to live in a big apartment building in Paris. And it made me feel bad for not being extremely thin.

The Prestige had both Christian Bale and David Bowie in it, and as such, there was really no possible way I wasn’t going to like it. And it made me feel bad for not being brilliant at and dedicated to anything. And it made me remember how much I enjoyed The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, and Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell (which I read almost entirely in a hammock on a porch overhanging the river in the 4000 Islands in Laos), and made me wish I could find another novel as absorbing as those had been.

September 25, 2008

About How Many Words In This Post?

To follow up on my Trader Joe’s story, apparently, there’s an instinctive element to how easily you deal with math:

There is intrinsic interest in what Angier reports: evidence that how good you are at subitization, the instinctive quantity-assessing ability you share with many animal species, is correlated with, and perhaps even determinative of, the extent to which you will readily develop abilities at linguistically formalized manipulation of mathematical concepts.

This makes sense to me – in addition (ha) to being very poor at doing even simple math in my head, I’m also entirely unable to come up with answers to questions like, ‘About how big is the room, like, how many feet?’ or ‘About how many inches thick is the manuscript?’ or ‘About how many people work at your office?’  I just have no freaking clue.  There is no corresponding visual in my head.  If you were to ask me about how many inches the laptop I’m currently typing on is, I would say that it’s squarish, and about the size of a phone book, but thinner than a phone book.

The Manhattan equivalent of a wardrobe to Narnia is being posted all over the blogs this week:  it turns out that 190 Bowery is not, after all, an abandoned building, but rather is a big, fat, jealousy-inducing single-family home.  Now, I think that no matter where you live, this apartment looks pretty cool, but to people living here, it’s absolute personal space porn.  And these people are certainly the last living people to ever have such quality of life in Manhattan.  Between the economy, my very un-earnings-focused life, and my general mental block when it comes to contemplating finances, I very much doubt that I will ever own any sort of home, much less the giant, empty expanse of space I crave.

(Maybe I could just go here.)

In addition to an intense longing for unpopulated spaces, NYC has also bred in me the intense desire to have the ability to kick a lot of ass.  So I’m glad to hear a 5-foot tall grandmother is currently training the Italian military in hand-to-hand combat.

I also love this:  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I Know.

And finally, for the Bottle Rocket fans out there (incidentally, a DVD of Bottle Rocket was another thing that the Alaskan boy bestowed upon me – I’m not saying he didn’t have good taste), here’s a transcription of Dignan’s entire 75-year plan (via Kottke).  Sadly, I have very similar lists, composed in all earnestness.

August 5, 2008

All My Friends Are Turtles: The Unpublished Journals of April O’Neil

Okay, that’s it: I am not hanging out with the turtles this week. No matter how lonely I get. I need to spur myself to make some other friends, and yes, to meet some men. I am never going to meet anybody hanging out in the sewer all the time. I’m going to sit here, and I’m going to just be alone. I’m going to feel this loneliness and acknowledge it, and not run away from it. This is your life, April. Own up to it.

Alright, so I went over to the lair last night. I know I have to stop spending so much time over there. But the turtles are so much fun! We just mess around; it’s so easy to hang out with them. Last night, Michelangelo and Donatello both wanted the last piece of pizza, and they were really starting to fight about it, and then, like, this sai comes flying down in the middle of the last piece, and Raph’s just sitting there – it was really funny. And Splinter was all, ‘kids!’ I love those guys. But seriously. I was there until three in the morning, and I was wrecked today. It’s fine for them. They’re turtles; they never sleep. But my work’s starting to suffer – I’m not getting much reporting done anymore. And too, all these kidnappings are really getting in the way.

Went out with Irma after work today. We went to some bar, and a couple guys bought us a round, but then when we tried to talk to them, they kept making jokes about me. ‘So, you like being kidnapped, huh? You like the freaky stuff? You want to see my turtle?’ That kind of bullshit. These are the only kind of sick jerks I ever meet. When I meet anybody at all, that is. I guess that, as a high-profile news anchor in a major metropolis, people just find me unapproachable. It’s amazing to me that I can be known by everyone, and still so lonely.

Had disturbing dream. All four of them. And the rat. That’s it. I have to start hanging out with people.

Kidnapped again. Got a little nervous this time, waiting for the turtles. The Shredder going through his usual monologue. But, just as Beebop and Rocksteady started closing in ominously, they came in through the windows on their ropes. It’s embarrassing to admit, but no matter how many times it happens, I still get a thrill out of it. It’s so exciting, and at the same time, I feel so safe. Really, what girl doesn’t want to be rescued?

Now, if only some human man would rescue me from hanging out with turtles all the time.

Extremely uncomfortable in the lair tonight, and started to wonder – is this less about me being a woman, and more about them being turtles? Do I assume, just because I’m alone with four turtles in their prime that something will happen to me? Would I be this uncomfortable if I were alone in the sewers with, say, four male colleagues I’m slightly attracted to?

….Actually, probably.

Hung out with Irma and Vernon last night. We went bowling. I should just date Vernon. He’s arrogant and boring, but at least he’s a man. But it’s just…there’s no click, no spark. After a strike, I screamed, ‘Cowabunga!’ And they just stared at me. Was so depressed, I went over to the lair after. Only one up was Raph. We had a long talk about life and expectations, and how no matter how boxed into your own patterns you might feel, each new day is a chance to bust out of them. We talked until the sun came up. Raph is so insightful, and I really admire the way he transcends his own fate. It’s like…he’s decided to see the man-half of himself as a gift, rather than see the turtle-half as a curse. The more I get to know him, the more I respect him.

…Oh, April, what the hell are you thinking?

Sometimes I wonder about Splinter. He’s by himself way too much. And I think he drinks. And last night, I noticed some weird marks on his wrists, which he quickly pulled into his robe when he saw me looking. Tried to mention it to Leonardo, but he snapped at me that turtles respect each other’s privacy. And that of rats.

Seriously, though…what would it even be like? Not that I’m considering it, but with the shell and everything…is this even a possibility? Google really isn’t helping – I tried everything: turtle sex, sex with turtles, women having sex with turtles, sex with an anthropomorphic turtle, turtles + radioactive slime = genitals? I’ve learned some things, but none of them are particularly specific to my situation. God. I’m so annoyed I can’t just ask! You know? Because surely it’s occurred to them, that it might be something that could conceivably come up. Not that I think about it that much, but of course, I’m going to wonder. Who wouldn’t wonder? Which makes me think that it must not be possible, or surely one of them would have made a joke about it, you know, casually, to clue me in that if I was up for it… Everything’s always implied with them about the whole transformation, and the turtle thing. I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask probing questions about their situation at all, much less about something so private. I’m not that kind of reporter.

…Oh, I’m sure it’s not possible. Not that it matters.

…It’s not even possible, April! Stop thinking about it, freak!

Brought Irma over to the lair last night. I was nervous to introduce her to the turtles, but I wanted another woman’s opinion about the whole situation. Well, she had a blast! She freaking loved the turtles! She and the guys all played flip cup and got totally shitfaced. And she and Donatello totally hit it off! He took her number, and she’s all, ‘I really hope he calls! He’s so hot – totally ripped. How come you never introduced me before?’ On and on. Which made me feel like a total ass for being ashamed of my own friends and so worried to introduce them to other people, when clearly, I’m the one with a problem. I over-think things too much. Why can’t I just relax and let go?

At one point last night, Michelangelo said it was so great to have another woman around, one who wasn’t dressed like a giant banana. He was just teasing, and it wasn’t really mean…but it’s jokes like that that make me wonder: is that all I am to them?

Went over to the lair last night. Wore a dress, and got all kinds of teased about it. I could just be imagining it, but I felt like Raph looked…smug. I just felt like wearing something other than my jumpsuit for a change! It has nothing to do with the turtles. I don’t care what they think.

You know what, fuck them. They’re just a bunch of turtles.

Ok, so, I made out with Raph. It was…hot. But I realized…I mean, he’s a turtle. A turtle, you know? And also, even though he doesn’t seem that young, he is a teenager. And I’m a grown woman. With a job and an apartment, and I’m not getting any younger. It just wouldn’t work. And so I told him that our friendship means more to me than anything, and I’d rather do anything than hurt him, and I just thought we should be friends. He said he understood. But he wouldn’t look at me.

I feel awful.

Kidnapped again. Only Leonardo bothered to come save me. I like him least of all of them, too. He’s oh, so put-upon, total martyr. He seemed really annoyed with me the whole time we were running back to the lair, with me slung over his shoulder. I tried to make jokes, and he just rolled his eyes. When we got to the lair, everybody was just laying around. Irma was there with Donatello; they were messing around with some old broken radio. I felt ignored, and just generally awkward and uncomfortable, so I just went home.

Haven’t talked to the turtles in over a week. I miss them, but I’m not going to call. I want to know if they’d even miss me if I didn’t come around. Let them call for a change.

Ran into Splinter today when I was reporting on a burst water main. He was all, ‘hi, stranger, we’ve not seen you in many moons,’ like there was nothing weird. I straight up asked him if everybody was pissed at me, and said I didn’t think I deserved that. He was just like ‘teenagers will be teenagers.’

‘Well, I’m not a teenager,’ I said. ‘I’m an adult, and I’m too old for this bullshit.’

He just nodded sagely; I wanted to punch him. He looked healthier, though. I’m glad he was out getting some sun.

Kidnapped again. They didn’t come. After two days, The Shredder just let me go. “I guess you’re not the turtles’ greatest weakness anymore,” he said. Irma wasn’t at work today.

I guess there’s a window for these things, and then it closes, and that’s that.

Not making a choice is still a choice, April. That’s what you should take away from this.

July 24, 2008

Flicks and Lit For Boys and Girls

Bitch Ph.D. explains The Bechdel Rule:

The rule is that movies should have 1) at least two women, 2) who talk to each other, 3) about something other than a man.

. . . Few movies pass the Bechdel test–most of the dialogue happens between men, or between men and one woman. Most movies who have extended conversations between women tend to be under the umbrella of “chick flicks,” or the newly-minted term, “RomComs.” But even those movies don’t pass the Bechdel test; not only are the conversations about men, the movies are driven by what men do or don’t do, what they want or don’t want, even when all the principal characters are women.

Movies, yes, and television, and this rule should also really be applied to plays. I mean, it is just incredible how few women are in anything, and how little they do when they’re there. What they mostly do is (a) be all about the men in the thing, and (b) be the one to blame for everything that goes wrong. Women are almost always the “out” for why there’s a problem – it’s the mom’s fault because she tries to smother everyone because she’s timid, controlling and Puritanical. Or, it’s the girlfriend’s fault because she tries to smother her boyfriend because she’s controlling, domineering, bitchy and usually whorish. Or whatever. When the question is, what’s wrong with this swell male protagonist’s life, the answer is almost always a hysterical, shrewish, controlling woman.

The amazing thing is, you can point this out to men who write or do comedy, and they’ll agree with you and talk about how they are very careful not to do that, and really enjoy writing strong, sympathetic female characters, and then you read their stuff…and the women are all hysterical, shrewish, controlling bitches (I’m sure that the writers of Everybody Loves Raymond fully believe that the characters of Deborah and Marie are sympathetic, whereas to me, that show is a perfect example, among many, of women being horrid, unreasonable, humorless nags for no reason).

Obviously, until women start writing everything, we’re going to be stuck playing unreasonable, stupid, evil bitches on the one hand, or boring, sweet, ever-affectionate straight-men on the other.

I’ve been watching DVDs of ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’ lately (which is hilarious), and I just watched a special features short where the cast was talking about casting Kaitlin Olson as Sweet D, and what they mostly talk about is how these three guys had written this show, and all the one female character did in it was be like, ‘You guys!’ all the time. And they didn’t like that, and Olson wouldn’t take the part if it was like that. It took them awhile to convince her to take the job. On her final audition, she read a hilarious scene and decided to do it, because she had so much fun at that audition. Except, she found out at the bar later that the scene was actually between two of the male characters – they were all like, ‘oh, well, yeah, we didn’t have anything interesting written for Sweet D to audition you with, so we had you read a guy part. But you won’t be doing that in the actual show.’

Eventually, however, they did make an effort to write that part in a more comedic way – in large part, I’m sure, because it’s obvious Olson is not at all afraid to say what she thinks about things, and she seems to flat out refuse to be pushed into a boring, supporting role, which is awesome. She’s one of my heroes now.

Women are used to being interested in movies, books, plays and so forth that are by men, starring men and all about men. I love all kinds of culture that’s aimed at men and meant to appeal to them. All women can get into dude-flicks or dude-lit (oops, there’s no equivalent condescending term to use), and even patiently overlook the blatant misogyny it almost always contains. But just hint to a guy that he try watching, reading or enjoying anything at all that is written by, staring and/or primarily about women (whether it’s truly silly and superficial on its own merits, or merely automatically dismissed as silly just because it’s concerned with women), and he’ll immediately dismiss it on all levels and call you a fool for liking it yourself.

Because women are niche. Even though we constitute the majority of the population.

Oh, and while I’m on this subject Estelle Getty has died.  Here’s Feministe on Golden Girls:

Where else have you seen a popular sitcom (or any show) that revolves around women who actually kind of look like average women, who aren’t young and fabulous and beautiful, who have interests other than finding male companionship, who put their female friendships first, and who have sex after menopause? More to the point, where can you find a TV show or movie that revolves around women like that, and those women aren’t the butt of the joke?

It’s certainly a rarity, and Golden Girls remains a bright spot in TV history. Estelle Getty was a class act.

July 18, 2008

Carrots Finds Housing

Not too long ago, Slate posted an article on the Anne of Green Gables books. I read all the Anne books when I was a kid, but I don’t remember a whole lot about them. I remember the first one (although I do get it mixed up with the movie, Pollyanna. Wasn’t there also a movie version of Anne? Which one was the one where the girl takes pieces of a chandelier into the room of a bedridden old man? And was there also another movie very similar to Pollyanna that came out around the same time, also possibly with Haley Mills? Was it Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms? And if not, what was Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms? And why is the spellchecker telling me that’s not how you spell Rebecca? Its suggestions for replacements look far weirder. I am SO CONFUSED).

Anyway, the other main thing that I remember from the books is the episode in one of the later ones when Anne is wandering around her college town looking for housing, and she stumbles across this darling, little Victorian gingerbread house in a beautiful area, and she goes up, knocks on the door, utterly charms the two old maids who live there, and some deal is promptly worked out whereby Anne and her roommate can live in this story-book house (which is full furnished and has matching porcelain dogs on either side of the fireplace, which I guess is a…plus?) for little money, and at great satisfaction to everyone involved.

Even as a child, this made an impression on me. “That must be how one finds apartments!” I thought. And you know what’s nuts? That is how I’ve found most of my apartments! I usually go to a nice area, wander around, find a shady street, look for a sign advertising a studio in my price range and buzz the super. Generally, it only takes an afternoon. Until I moved to this freaking city. That’s not how it works here.

I’ve been spending a good bit of time lately wandering around Brooklyn Heights. It’s really nice there, and they have the Promenade, and it’s one of the least crowded areas in New York that I’ve found. And I thought the other day, as I walked through its freaking gorgeous streets – those kind of streets where the buildings all have big sweeping red brick stairs that give broadly onto the sidewalks, and all the trees are huge and green and meet in the middle of the street, and there seems to always be a gentle wind funneling billows of snow-white petals down the blocks, and you feel like you ought to put your arms out to the side and spin, until you realize everyone who lives there is watching to make sure you’re leaving soon – I thought to myself that the future solution to artists and colorful eccentrics being priced out of NYC (a subject that everyone says they’re oh so upset about, although I doubt they’d put their money where their mouths are) is for a family living in one of those homes to provide a room to somebody they find unobjectionable and delightful for a very reasonable rent.

I would be a very good tenant for a nice family. I’m quiet, and clean, and I never have anyone over. The only thing is, I wouldn’t want to get involved on any level with the family. They would have to be willing to maintain a certain degree of impersonal detachment that most people really can’t maintain over a long period. And they’d absolutely have to leave me entirely alone at all times, and not make comments about my peculiar eating habits. And more than that, I have absolutely no idea what the advantage of the arrangement would be to them. They surely wouldn’t need the small rent I would pay. While I could pitch in with housework, and occasionally baby-, pet- and/or house-sit, people that rich could easily hire somebody to do that.

I need to figure out something I can bring to the table.

July 16, 2008

Truth, Art, and the Changing Times

While America has become more and more casually potty-mouthed, newspapers and other publications continue to enforce fairly old-fashioned (if arbitrary) decency standards (not to mention television programs – RIP, George Carlin). Here’s a Times column on this matter, spurred by the inability of the major newspapers to quote Jesse Jackson when he said he wanted to cut Obama’s nuts off:

The Times on Thursday devoted a column of type to the ensuing controversy and Jackson’s apology for what the newspaper called his “critical and crude” remarks, which included the bitter charge that Obama was “talking down to black people.” But it left readers completely in the dark about the crude part. The Washington Post was slightly less squeamish. It said Jackson suggested “that he wanted to castrate the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee.”

(via LL)

The column also summarizes the Times’ various decisions about such matters in the recent past. It’s surprising to me that a newspaper would be squeamish about direct-quoting expletives. Regular readers of this blog (and those who know me) will not be surprised to hear that I don’t put a great deal of effort into avoiding the swears. I feel like focus on nice language is a cosmetic fix to problematic thought. Words don’t offend people. People offend people.

For example:

At the 1988 Republican National Convention, when George H.W. Bush was running for president of the United States, future president George W. Bush was asked by a Hartford Courant reporter what he and his father talked about when they weren’t talking about politics.

Bush’s answer: “Pussy.”

And on the other hand, here are some entertaining examples of how you can make something totally innocuous seem nasty by censoring it.

The ability to be explicit is essential to getting at the real, objective truth:

. . . truth is far from empty, as Davidson claimed; and the theory of truth is not “a set of truisms,” as J.L. Austin said scornfully. Truth is rich, and the theory of truth complex. This is precisely what we might expect, as the nature of truth touches on what is most distinctive about us. Of all the creatures in the universe who experience what is the case, we are the only ones who make explicit what is the case, and assert that it is the case. We are explicit, or truth-bearing and falsehood-bearing animals, and to see truth truly is to see ourselves truly.

(via 3QD)

Language evolves along with what it’s describing – the world is continually changing, albeit gradually:

Sex before marriage. Bob and his boyfriend. Madame Speaker. Do those words make your hair stand on end or your eyes widen? Their flatness is the register of successful revolution. Many of the changes are so incremental that you adjust without realizing something has changed until suddenly one day you realize everything is different.

(via 3QD)

But really, when is everything not different? I don’t know where people come by their fixed standards for how life is supposed to be. I suppose most people think the way things were in their particular childhoods is some eternal truth for how the whole world ought to function throughout all time. And of course, what they’re remembering is not the world at all, but the peace of being a child.

More things I don’t understand: on Jean-Luc Godard:

Richard Brody’s “Everything Is Cinema: The Working Life of Jean-Luc Godard” is a story of transformation, a painstaking account of a lifelong artistic journey. Now we know how one of the greatest of all filmmakers – the man who so radically changed cinema in 1959 with his debut feature, “Breathless” – became an intolerable gasbag.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been watching a lot of French films without comprehending anything about them, and I’ve heard film buffs scoff at the type of person who says they love Godard, but it turns out all they like is Breathless. So, um, well…the only Godard film I like is Breathless.

Apparently, the Brits are worried that they prefer dumb books:

At a Royal Society of Literature debate in March, Clare Alexander, president of the Association of Authors’ Agents, criticised a literary culture in which ghostwritten celebrity books, misery memoirs and Richard & Judy endorsements have “tainted publishers’ minds”. Contrasting the current British non-fiction bestseller charts with the more high-minded titles on the New York Times list, she said, “We have the stupidest bestseller list in the world at the moment.”

Wow. I can’t believe the U.S. actually made the U.K. feel insecure about its reading habits.

And to round out updates on the arts:

Canadian copyfighter Howard Knopf has suggested (presumably with tongue firmly planted in cheek) that recording artists whose music is played by torturers in Gitmo are owed performance royalties.

(via Majikthise)

Hang in there, Guns N Roses.

July 12, 2008

I’ve Been Watching: Say Anything, Ordinary People, Wet Hot American Summer and Indochine

Last Saturday night, my roommate and I (at our usual level of Saturday-night hedonism) decided to try out the ‘instant watch’ option I’d recently discovered on Netflix. At first, my roommate thought she could hook her laptop up to the television, but the cord turned out to be for her camera only. Then, we thought we could at least watch on her laptop (which is faster than mine). But she has a Mac, and this Netflix option is not available on Macs. Then, we finally decided to just use my laptop, propped up on a stack of old TimeOut New Yorks on the coffee table. After perusing the selection (which is hit-or-miss), we finally decided on Ordinary People. My roommate’s friend really loves this movie, and neither of us had ever seen it. So, we clicked on it!

. . . Only to be told we needed to download some software. Slowly. We went for cake. We came back. The software finally loaded, we shut down, we booted up, we installed, we shut down again, we booted up again…and we pressed play!

. . . And got a message that, due to our internet connection, the movie would take nearly two hours to load.

“You know,” I said at this point. “I’ve never seen Say Anything.”

“Really?” said my roommate. “I have Say Anything!”

“I know!”

So, now I can knock that one off the list.

My mother once said to me that she didn’t understand why all movies and books and plays had to be about terrible things happening to people. I replied that I couldn’t think of a way to tell a story about everything going swimmingly.

I stand corrected. Say Anything is a story about everything going swimmingly. Two hot, nice, well-liked young people meet, go nuts for each other, and everything goes well for them about it. Oh, sure, the girl has the momentary “I’m going to London, we should break up preemptively,” panic, but then she’s all, “Or, why don’t you come with me?!” And there’s the whole thing with the dad, but seriously, what movie watcher is really all that upset about a dad going to jail for white-collar crime when there is hot teen sex to be had? Nobody cares about John Mahoney’s hypocrisy when John Cusack is standing in the rain with a boombox over his head. Especially since the fall-out with dad has no hugely negative effects in the heroine’s life – sure, she’s disillusioned with him (although I must say here that the thin reasoning behind how he rationalized his crime is super belabored – you can practically hear the writers’ gears grinding as they try to find a way to inject some sort of plot-necessary conflict into this movie that won’t put even a slight shadow over all the good-feelingness), but he still loves her and is there ready to resume their relationship whenever she can reconcile herself to his shortcomings, and too – she has a full, merit-based scholarship! So, conveniently, she need not even sweat over whether or not to use Daddy’s ill-gotten gains to fund her already planned-for dreams. She’s her own woman now, with a bonus Cusack along for the ride.

Which is not to say that I didn’t like Say Anything. I did like it – how could you not like it, is my point?

At some point during our Say Anything viewing, Ordinary People finally downloaded, so we started to watch that on my laptop. Ordinary People . . . was very brown. Everything in it was brown, which is typical for movies made during the time period – it was a very brown country around 1980. There was a lot of snow. There was swimming, and a suicidal boy, and Robin Williams was a kind, but no-nonsense therapist, and everything was pretty much Sally Field’s fault, because she was such a cold, self-absorbed bitch for no real reason. And Christina Ricci’s boyfriend got electrocuted, and there was a giant robot bunny that issued proclamations having something to do with string theory, and everybody got new sneakers.

Or something like that. I don’t know. The main thing I know about Ordinary People is that it took us about seven hours to watch it, due to the Netflix “instant” watch feature being (a) a piece of crap and (b) about as “instant” as osso bucco (you like that one? I worked hard on it). Every fifteen minutes, the movie informed us that it would need to spend 30-45 minutes re-downloading itself, to avoid viewing difficulties (by which I can only assume it meant cause viewing difficulties). But we watched it all the way through anyway, because we are ladies who finish what we start. It was the most gruelling Saturday night I’ve had in months.

This past week, I went with some friends to the free showing of Wet Hot American Summer at the McCarren Park Pool. The Pool is a couple blocks from my apartment – it used to be an actual pool, but now it’s a drained pool that’s used for summer concerts and movies, at which times it gets terrifyingly packed with hipsters. This movie was the first one this summer, and I unintentionally went in costume. I had never seen the movie and didn’t know anything about it, but I have in my wardrobe two pairs of shorts: one is a knee-lenth pair of cutoffs, and the other is a pair of red cotton short-shorts with white trim, which I now know are the exact same pair that the gay guy in WHAS wears throughout the movie. It turns out coming in costume to these outdoor movies is encouraged, so I ended up displaying far more enthusiasm than I’m normally comfortable with, completely by accident.

At any rate, movies at McCarren Park Pool are really fun, especially if you get there early enough to put down a blanket and enforce a small zone of personal space around it (which we did). You’re not supposed to bring your own food and beer, but everybody does, so next time, I’m bringing a 40. The other thing I will do differently next time (other than not dress up like a character) is wait afterward until the crowd bottlenecking through the narrow entry gates has disbursed. The crowd inside is not too bothersome, what with the open sky and all, but the rush through the gates was terrifying, and required bodily contact with many strangers dressed for (and all asweat with) the hot summer night. It was a wet hot American stampede (you like that one? I worked hard on it).

At some point in the past week, I also watched Indochine. For the first 2/3 of this movie, all I had to say about it was: ‘a bunch of French people act like assholes in Vietnam. The especially good-looking French people show some small compunction about their bad behavior.’ But then (around the time the daughter shot the guy) the movie got much, much better, and by the end, I’d decided it was a great movie. This had something to do with the perspective of the movie broadening out from being entirely through the perspective of the French, and becoming more objectively about Vietnam itself and the colonization conflict overall.

But, boy, if I’d been the daughter, I’d have totally gone for the revolutionary, enlightened childhood sweetheart who’s all “you and I don’t matter – join the resistance” over the “I’m sort of useless and intermittently cruel and racist, plus I slept with your mother, but man, look at these eyes” French soldier.

On a sidenote, I always take note when theatre people are portrayed as the political underground in movies or plays. This happens a lot, because people who write and do theatre and films really want to write their ilk as hugely politically significant, and while I know that in some situations playwrights are quite influential and active (Prague Spring, early-19th c. Russia), I think that, especially during the red scare, playwrights got way too much credit for their influence on public opinion. Was anybody really ever inclined toward Communism just because Brecht’s plays were oh so thrillingly entertaining? Please. Charlie Chaplin, maybe. Brecht, no. And as for more active forms of subversion, theater people are the most feckless, inactive, self-absorbed people on Earth (I can say it – I kind of am one, albeit in a reluctant, half-assed sort of way). Performers might kick up a stink if they’re censored, but they’re highly unlikely to go around assassinating officials and circulating broadsheets. Because those activities require discretion, and the only thing that theater people want out of life is to be widely and constantly observed. “Underground” is the last place a performer wants to go.

July 4, 2008

How Many Movies and Hot Dogs Can You Consume Today?

I’m already bored of Wall-E. I haven’t seen it. I haven’t really heard all that much about it. I’ve seen, I think, one preview. I’ve listened to everybody I’ve talked to in the last couple of weeks assert that it’s really very good, and that I ought to see it right away. And I’ve seen headlines of articles and blog posts about it on every site I visit – I haven’t even read the articles; I’ve just seen the headlines.

And I’m already sick of it. This is what happens to me all the time with whatever culture thing everybody goes nuts for. It’s not that I don’t want to see it, or that I wouldn’t like it on its merits. I’m sure it’s great, and I’m sure I’d love it. But I probably won’t see it, just like I never ended up seeing Juno or, well, really any movie, honestly. I think in the last year, I saw The Orphanage and Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day (both with other people, after all the movies on offer went through the rigorous screening process that is everybody else’s tastes and what they’ve already seen, so you end up left with something random, but by and large unobjectionable like The Orphanage or Miss Pettigrew), and that’s it.

It’s just that, within five minutes of a film being released, it’s freaking everywhere, and I feel like I’ve seen it, not just once, but over and over and over again.

And furthermore, I guess that some people are glad for the next cool thing, but personally (and I know I’m not the only one), I’m always drowning under a cultural backlog of things that I must absolutely see, read, experience, be up on, and whenever someone tells me that I simply must drop everything and see this thing RIGHT NOW, it feels downright rude. I have enough culture to be wading through! I don’t need somebody barging into my little culture-absorber’s library carrel and screaming, “Drop everything! We’re all seeing a movie about a robot RIGHT THIS MINUTE!” What the crap? I’m still working on seeing Juno! Are we done with that already? I still haven’t seen The Godfather. Or Say Anything. Or the first Batman – the one with Christian Bale, not the twelve Batmans before that. And I never saw Brokeback Mountain, either. Not to mention there are oodles of You-Tube videos people simply won’t speak to me until I watch now right now. So, you know what, Wall-E might not get watched right this damn minute, and he’ll just have to wait his turn, won’t he?

I’m feeling stressed just thinking about it. I realize that some people think that films and books and web bits and stand-up comics are things to be enjoyed recreationally, as they come, and need not be amassed like plunder in the various stockpiles of one’s brain. I realize that for some people, word of a new cultural sensation they’d not heard of before is a treat, not a sign of personal failure. But I think these people are of a different species from me entirely.

These are the type of people who say things like, “I’m looking for a good book to read.” A statement which I cannot believe anyone could ever utter in all sincerity. Who are these people?

Here, odd, disinterested space-people: here is my 58-page single-spaced insane book list I’ve been adding to since I was twelve years old, with titles scribbled all up and down the margins and extra Post-It notes covered in chicken scratch stuck on all over. Close your eyes and point to one. You’re welcome.

Meanwhile, I’m off to see Wall-E. I mean, The Dark Knight. I mean, STOP MAKING MUST-SEE MOVIES FOR A LITTLE WHILE, WON’T YOU?

Speaking of glut, the 4th of July is the day for one of America’s greatest annual events: Nathan’s Famous 4th of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest, the competitive eating event of the year. I’ve mentioned my obsession with competitive eating several times on this blog, and all the heavies will be at Nathan’s this year: Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut, and my personal favorite, Sonya ‘The Black Widow’ Thomas. Thomas is a 100-lb., 5’5″ Korean woman who has consistently demonstrated an astounding ability to put away large amounts of food:

She swallowed the egg. Then she swallowed 64 more in six minutes and 40 seconds. She could have eaten more but the organizers ran out of eggs. . . . “Eggs are easy to eat,” Thomas explains. “I could eat 80 or 90.”

(My obsession with all this, however, is not so unreasonable that I would actually go down to Coney Island this morning and experience first-hand the crush of humanity crowding around the Nathan’s Famous stand there.)

Speaking of impressive athletes, click here to marvel at the mind-blowing physique of Dara Torres, 41-year-old swimmer who’s attempting to qualify for the 50-meter freestyle in the Olympics this year. If I were to pick a role-model between the two, I think eating 64 eggs in 6 minutes is a slightly more reachable goal for me than looking like Ms. Torres when I’m 40.

It’s probably a good thing all of my goals are in culture consumption.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 41 other followers