Well, hey there, stranger.  Back from Morocco, had an amazing time, and I will blog about it, but I’ve been buried in work all week and then I had this really fun stomach bug that knocked me out for two days, blah, blah.

Anyway, I just want to quickly note that it’s amazing how much New York can take something as cool and seemingly simple as underground fight clubs and turn them into some scene-y precious bullshit that makes you want to go to sleep.

At 6-foot-3, with a chiseled face and some amazing tattoo work, the 20-year-old is as unique a New York character as they come. He’s a pretty boy boxer. His day job is working with 2-year-olds in a nursery school. He rolls with a tight-knit crew called the Big Gunz that has been together since freshman year of high school — all good looking, all boxers. . . . he has been getting into modeling and may sign with an agency. Asked about the obvious tension between boxing and making money off your face, Charlie doesn’t engage. “I like a good lifestyle,’’ he says, “and teaching nursery school and boxing don’t pay well.” . . . He’s undefeated in his weight, and a title would propel him toward the Olympics and then a pro career.

Really?  That’s “as unique a New York character as they come?”  If this kid’s bound for the Olympics, I’m on track for a six-figure book deal.

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Photo via.

Well, everyone knows whose fault it is. It’s their fault:

And so powerful is this lobby that even those of us not directly connected with or affected by their interests are still caught up in all this hoopla.

Luckily, a long time ago, I figured out how to reduce the stress and expense of the holidays by nearly 100% – in fact, I’m SO over the stress and pressure of the holiday season that I’m getting this post up a whole week-and-a-half after it would have been relevant! – and I am going to share my secrets with you (for next year, I guess):

1.      Problem: Decorating! We must get a tree and hang little bulbs from it. We must wrap tinsel around the banisters and string lights across the front of the house!

Solution: Don’t decorate! Do not buy a tree. Do not put up any tinsel or lights.

2.     Problem: Shopping! We must buy gifts for friends, relatives and coworkers. We must put careful thought into what each person would like, budget accordingly even though we have little to spend, and make many exhausting trips into throngs of shoppers to wait in long lines to attain these things. Then, we must wrap and distribute them.

Solution: Do not buy gifts! Establish yourself as the person who doesn’t buy gifts and tell everyone this. The first year, people will give you gifts anyway, but STAND FIRM! Do not give a gift in return. The following year and every subsequent year, things will be as they should, and everyone will secretly adore you for forcibly removing yourself from their list of eternal obligation.

3.      Problem: Holiday cards! We must write and mail holiday cards and make sure we have everyone’s up-to-date addresses and not leave anyone out.

Solution: Do not send holiday cards! (See how this is working out?)

4.      Problem: Cooking! We must bake cookies. We must bring a covered dish to parties and a loaf cake to the office. We must prepare Christmas dinner.

Solution: Don’t cook! Ever. Make sure everyone knows that you do not cook and cannot cook and will never cook, full stop. Bring an $8.99 bottle of wine to every party. On Christmas, order out. You will spend a little more money this way, but if you count time as money, the savings are infinite.

5.      Problem: Too many social obligations! We must go to Jim and Carol’s party, and Bob and Lisa’s, and Gary’s, and Sue and Janet’s, and we must go to your work party and my work party and my Mom’s house and my Dad’s house and your Mom’s house and your Dad’s house and your ex-Stepdad’s house, and your boss’s special small dinner. I’d rather kill myself than go to any of these things!

Solution: Quit your job and disown your family!

Yeah, this is a tougher problem to solve. Weaseling out of social obligations successfully is a complex skill that takes many years to hone. Not many people are adept at it. At its core is the ability to be truly ok with not being very well-liked by most people. You either have that ability or you don’t, and if you have it, this is probably not a problem for you in the first place. But one thing you can do is play these obligations against each other — go to the cocktail party, have one drink, then tell everyone that you have three parties that night and run out. They’ll think you’re social, outgoing and involved in the community. Rather than feel snubbed by your early departure, they’ll be flattered you made an appearance at their shindig even when you were so busy.

Go to the family dinner, but let everyone know your wife’s lonely step-cousin’s thing is the same night. Wait exactly fifteen minutes after the plates are cleared, then make your excuses. Your goal is to become one of those genial, sober, busy people who are always everywhere, but always with one foot out the door. If you have kids, they have colds. If you have a sitter, she’s unreliable. If you have a pet, it has cancer. Use everything available to you for an excuse, and don’t worry about repeats – kids can have colds over and over and over again, and if anyone acts like your kid having a cold is not a big deal, they look like a dick. It’s the perfect excuse – I wish I had a kid, so it could be sick all the time and get me out of things.

Do all this and do it well, and you can be home by 10 to celebrate the way Jesus would have wanted: drinking $8.99 wine alone while buying yourself a bunch of stuff you actually want on Amazon, and then watching Battlestar Galactica on your laptop until you pass out. Ho ho ho!

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Image via.

I’ve been in a bad mood because it’s fall, the season of darkness and death, and also because even though it’s icy cold in my room, one last mosquito is hanging in there and biting me in special places all night long, and also because I’ve been working more than usual and I just can’t understand how people who work full-time ever get their laundry or their reading done, and also because my best buddy will be moving out soon and I will miss her and also I have to find a new roommate, and also because Thomasina has been a right little bitch lately, having established this routine of running up and biting me just before bedtime as a way (I’m only guessing here) of asserting that her day has not been entirely perfect in every respect.  Maybe it’s because I have been at work all day this week, when I am usually home with her most of the time, or maybe she has decided that she likes me being out of the way and is annoyed when I get back in it.  Who knows what rabbits think?  You?  If so, please tell me.  Anyway, a chihuahua will be moving in soon, and then she’ll be sorry she was mean to me.    

But despite all these annoyances, I have decided to begin looking in the general direction of the bright side.  So, here – here are two positive things:

The Dresden Dolls were AMAZING on Halloween.  They played two full encore sets, and just generally rocked, and also, if Amanda Palmer ever gets sick of Neal Gaiman, I would like to marry her, and if Amanda Palmer ever gets sick of Amanda Palmer, I would like to be her.  

Also, today is the day we vote!  Voting is healthy fun for boys and girls, even when it’s cold and dark out and all you want to do is whine about things and be angry, and even if the voting in question will very likely spin the country off in a different direction from the one you want it to be going in, when it wasn’t even going in your direction in the first place, but rather, just sort of making emptyish gestures in the direction of the direction, which it clearly never intended to go in at all, anyway, but was just saying that it might in order to appease you, and so, you know, democracy is an illusion and your vote doesn’t really matter at all.  Still – vote!  

Oh, and hey, here’s another good thing – I am now a green belt in Shotokan karate, so anyone who’d like to beat the snot out of me is advised to do so within the next five years, because after that, who knows but I might be able to make it rather difficult for you.   

Look at that!  Good things flopping out all over. 

…Is it summer yet?

And Halloween is really a one-two punch of fun fascism because, in addition to being told that you must have fun, you are also told how you must dress for it.  This whole idea of needing a day in which everyone agrees to look crazy so that you can feel comfortable dressing up is beyond me.  Isn’t the whole point of costuming yourself to stand out and be noticed?  Why demand that a unified front screen you?  Grow some balls, people.  Someone recently was saying that Halloween as a concept is pointless for anyone who’s a performer/ex-performer – remind me if that was you, or you know who was saying it, because you/they phrased it really well, and now I can’t remember.    

Anyway, I really enjoyed this Sloane Crosley article about how Halloween in NY is the new New Year’s:

Beyond dressing-up, it’s that creeping pressure to do something insanely fun for Halloween. This is a trickle-back attitude from New Year’s. What a smack in the face of fun. Other holidays don’t have this problem. The words “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” invoke turkey, familial dysfunction and airport security. It’s a sincere question, not a fishing expedition. Never has someone said “I’m going to my aunt Hilda’s house in Wooster” and been met with a “That sounds great. When are we leaving?”

I don’t know why I’m bitching, really, because I have some awesome plans for Halloween this year (although no costume, unfortunately – I’m thinking I will wear a few slips, black my eyes, rat up my hair and go as Helena Bonham Carter in something).  On Sunday, I am going to see THE DRESDEN DOLLS, and I am SO EXCITED! 

Also, despite all my protests above, last year I participated in a group costume that was probably the greatest Halloween costume ever.  Someone else thought it up and someone else put it together – all I had to do was put it on.  If that were the case every year, I’d have no problem dressing up.  Anyway, we were sexxy Dharma initiative and we were amazing.  Regard:

Related Articles

• Bobbing for a Lost Apple (opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com)

God, sports suck so bad.

1. Always respect a closed door. We renounce private property, not personal privacy. 




2. Everyone must take their turn selling our soaps, veggies and textiles at the farmers’ market on Sundays. Everyone is equally averse to working the booth, so no excuses for shirking work duty will be accepted. “Writing” is no excuse for missing work duty. We all have ample hours for “writing.”




3. When using the kitchen, library, bathroom, stables, gardens, workrooms and other common spaces, your wish to remain undisturbed can be indicated by donning your “invisible hat.” Anyone not wearing an invisible hat will be assumed to be open to an exchange of greetings and possible small talk. If everyone but you is wearing an invisible hat, find a good book. 
   Special note due to recent issues::  being under the influence of a substance is no excuse for ignoring someone’s invisible hat. If you feel you must communicate something immediately, write a note, set it down in an obvious place, and walk away.




4. All communications are to be made via community corkboard. Please check the corkboard frequently for relevant messages, but that said, please do not approach if someone is already reading the corkboard. No one likes a hoverer. If you do receive a message, you are encouraged to go to your room and think about it for a couple of days before responding.




5. When using the communal bathroom, if you get the sense that someone is attempting to defecate, please do your business and move along; don’t stand around brushing your teeth and staring at your skin in the mirror.




6. Please use headphones for all music, movies, etc., and please chew with your mouth closed. Excessive coughing, muttered expressions of disgust or delight, laughing, weeping or other vocalizations will not be tolerated. Please do not wear heeled shoes or flip-flops. Please make every effort to be as generally unobtrusive as you would have others be.




7. Unfortunately, we here at Separate Commons have come to realize that we must enforce one mandatory social gathering per month, so that members of the community can recognize each other by sight. Rest assured, all social events will have clearly pre-determined start and finish times, as well as a definite, stated activity and objective. You will not find yourself mingling. We will consider special exemptions for those who would ordinarily attend, but who just really, really do not want to right now.




8. Separate Commons is a community for introverts, not for hermits or misanthropists. If anyone is deemed to be behaving in an hostile or antisocial manner, they will be asked to leave. Please check the corkboard frequently for notices to vacate.

I’m ok with all of this.

But what I am not ok with is that Google – as well as it knows me – is absolutely certain that I would like to turn all of my applications into social networking sites. First, Gmail was retooled in such a way that the horrid gchat was featured prominently in a sidebar – even in my igoogle page! – impossible to get rid of. For the longest time (though I will admit this has since been fixed) gchat kept signing me in over and over again, even though I had my settings indicating I never wanted to be signed in.

And can I just take a second here to explain why I despise gchat, AIM and the like? Despite having come of age in the glory days of AIM, I have never used chat, because I think it’s really fucking obnoxious. If I’m browsing online, it’s because that’s what I want to be doing right then. I’m not waiting for someone to pop up in the middle of whatever I’m looking at, and deliver me from my contemplation with small talk. Chatting is what I do when I have the pleasure of someone’s actual company – and preferably, there will also be drinks, or summer sun or some other added sweetener. I put up with occasionally tiresome chatting because it’s nice to be with people. So, why on Earth would I want the chatting without the people? That’s like wanting commercials without programming!

So, anyway, imagine my spitting fury when I signed into my google reader the other day to find that google has added some sort of ‘share network’ bullshit in the sidebar that you can sign out of (or just refuse to participate in), but cannot get rid of altogether. Why the hell would anybody want to turn their feed reader into a social sharing site? There are all kinds of places where people can post a running tally of what articles they are reading if they so desire – Twitter, Facebook, their blogs, posting a ‘my feeds’ widget in the sidebar of their blog. Apparently, that’s not enough – some people want other people actually reading over their shoulder at all times! Well, I don’t want people in my feed reader, or in my email inbox, or in my Netflix cue or in my Amazon checkout cart. I don’t care if other people do (although I don’t understand it), but there should at least be some way to completely opt out of all this stuff, and not have it continually coming up.

And now at the top of all my items in my feed reader, there’s a stupid little cartoon face with ‘X-number of people liked this!’ next to it, and if you click on that, it gives you the user names of all x-number of gazillion people who clicked that they liked that particular item. Come on, Google! Do I really fucking care that iceprincess3 liked something Ezra Klein posted? No! No one does! Let me read my feeds in peace.

And let me hasten to add that I love spending quality time with people in the flesh. I love having actual, live conversations with people. I love getting emails from people. I love reading other people’s substantive blog posts, that they’ve put time and effort into, and I love love love it when people get into a dialogue here on my blog, where I post things I actually want to communicate to people, and while my posts may not always be brilliant (or even slightly interesting), no one ever has to come here and read my blog – I don’t pop my posts up in the faces of all of my friends while they’re trying to read the NY Times Op-Ed page or whatever.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I love Google. I use nearly all their tools and have given my reputation entirely into their keeping. I just don’t love these sharing, chat and otherwise pointless features in areas that have absolutely no need to be networking platforms. There are plenty of places to go out and mingle online; I don’t see why some things can’t remain (cosmetically) private.

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I absolutely hate it. I used to rudely rebuff all physical contact, but as I got older, I began to be more sensitive to intent, and gradually grew to tolerate pyramid-shaped hugs of welcome and farewell from friends both close and casual. I still didn’t like it. But I put up with it.

Then, the cheek kissing began. I don’t know if it was an age thing, or a geographic location thing, or a general trend, but it seemed to start up all at once, and now it’s ubiquitous, and I Fucking HATE it! I don’t want to be kissed! And now, horror of horrors, it’s verging into actual, close-mouthed kissing! I have experienced this once or twice, and it’s just awful. I don’t even want to be hugged! Why can’t people respect that without my having to be rude? Why is it assumed that I’m down with being physically touched? Why can’t we just make warm eye contact, which frankly, in my opinion, is more than enough intimacy to be going forward with?

You know, I understand wanting a bit of physical contact to demonstrate affection and personal connection, to distinguish friends who approve of each other from merely tolerated professional acquaintances. And I think that the best form of physical connection is…a solid, gripping squeeze on the upper arm. Seriously. It’s distant, but warm; it enables you to make eye contact; it’s familiar, but not overly so; it’s physical, but not romantic. It doesn’t involve lips, or breasts squashing against each other awkwardly, or chins bashing into each other. You can vary it in intensity and duration according to occasion/level of sentiment to be expressed. It’s perfect.

Can we somehow usher in the upper arm squeeze as the new friendly hello-and-goodbye physical gesture? I’m going to start doing it; hopefully, it will catch on.

Now, don’t that beat all? The very first thing those damn liberated women of olden times did upon receiving the permission to vote was usher in prohibition/destroy the country. Now, 90 years later, they can’t stop hitting the sauce!

Freaking women. Either they’re drunks or prudes or whores or virgins or mothers or businesswomen or feminists or lesbians. But one thing’s for sure: they’re always up to something! If only they’d all pick one, good, amenable identity and conform to it en masse, it sure would make it easier to dismiss them all as individuals. But they just can’t seem to get on the same page.

Feministing:

The thing that pisses me off most about this article. . . is that drinking is a serious problem for young women and men. But instead of serious, nuanced media coverage on what to do about the drinking culture among American youth, we get article after article hawing about the consequences of equality. . . . Seriously – it’s tired. Not to mention incredibly sexist : the underlying message is that gender equality is bad for women.

So if folks are actually concerned about young women and drinking, how about we talk about the consumer culture that markets liquor (something Morris touches on before quickly returning back to feminism) or how drinking is being used to blame women who are raped? 

No joke. How many articles have their been lately about the increasing problem of binge-drinking and date rape on college campuses, and how many of these articles have arrived at the conclusion that the problem is…women being there? Yeah, maybe the problem is women being out and about, and drinking and carrying on like they’re real, live, young people. Or maybe – just maybe – the problem is men who rape women!

And as long as I’m taking the bait, check out this other asshole I ran across:

Forget what feminists, hippies, and liberals have told you in the last half century. They are all lies based on political ideology and conviction, not on science. Contrary to what they may have told you, it is very unlikely that money, promotions, the corner office, social status, and political power will make women happy. Similarly, it is very unlikely that quitting their jobs, dropping out of the rat race, and becoming stay-at-home dads to spend all their times with their children will make men happy.Money, promotions, the corner office, social status, and political power are what make men happy (as long as they win, of course, but then dropping out is by definition a defeat). Spending time with their children is what makes women happy.

You know, Satoshi Kanazawa, I think I know why you’re clearly so unhappy. You may think that you’re meant to be an evolutionary psychologist and author, but you’re lying to yourself and denying your true nature. You are actually evolutionarily designed to run fast, wrangle heavy stuff, and catch and strangle small creatures, and the sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you can become a truly satisfied man. I encourage you to quit all this thinking and writing that’s making you so miserable and unfulfilled, and realize your true potential as a welder/firefighter/rabbit-wringer.