Once upon a time, there was a fairy named Felicity and she was not ethereal at all. Faeries were supposed to be slip-like, ghost-pale, tapering and whispery, whereas Felicity was chubby and solid, like a pony, and she had a ruddy redness about her, and her voice was loud, and silence made her nervous, and being nervous made her giggle, and giggling made her fart, which made her giggle more, and that made her more nervous and redder still. Also, she liked a drink, and she spelled faery “fairy.”
Felicity had a really hard time of it.
The other faeries didn’t know what to make of Felicity. They tried to be nice to her, but they reacted to everything she did with raised eyebrows and silence. They exchanged glances and smiled ever so patiently. They made a special effort to approach Felicity one by one at parties and ask her how she was doing. They’d listen, nodding and smiling with great sympathy to her giggling, gaseous, red-faced reply. “That’s wonderful, Felicity,” they would say, beautifully. “I’m so glad you’ve come.” Then, their duty done, they’d return to their tidy, floating groups, their voices rising and falling like tinkling chimes on the breeze.
Felicity spent a lot of time flying around the woods by herself. Because she was so heavy, she flew lower to the ground than most faeries, and one day, her feet smacked right into the head of a dwarf, who was digging up mushrooms.
“Whoa,” said the dwarf. “What was that? Are you a bat?”
“I’m sorry,” giggled Felicity. “I’m not a bat, I’m a fairy.” And then, being nervous, she let one.
“Wooooo-hoooo!” hollered the dwarf, executing a series of cartwheels. “What a ripper! You’re no faery. Faeries never fart, that much I know. And they look totally different than you – I’ve seen ‘em. Also, they don’t stop to talk to the likes of me.”
“I’m not a very good fairy,” said Felicity.
“Dwarves would love you, though,” said the dwarf, and so he took her back to meet all the other dwarves, who were about a billion times more fun than the stupid faeries, and Felicity lived with them ever after and was perfectly happy.