In the year 2009, I resolve to lose the majority of my body fat until I am a lean, long, pole-shape with no visible lumps or curves. I further resolve to be strong, clean and fit, with unobstructed air flow.
I further resolve to take care of my skin until it is flawlessly, uniformly white and smooth, with no pimples, bumps, cellulite, stretch marks, flaws, or hair of any kind.
Moving past the physical, I further resolve to iron out all mental and emotional lumps, and to be useful, inoffensive and approachable, and possessed of neither worry, anxiety, depression, appetites, ambition nor dread. I will be a placid and unobjectionable addition to any environment.
Yes, that’s right, readers: in 2009, I resolve to transform myself into a short length of PVC piping. Wish me luck!
And Happy New Year to all you mere, flesh-based mortals!
