Accismus

Are you still a pessimist if pessimism delights you?

It would suck to be a shoelace and have to go around all day with your head tangled up in your ass.

If Christians were really benevolent, and cared more about others than themselves, they would keep their knowledge of Christ’s sacrifice to themselves. Because then, according to the Bible, Christians would go to hell for failing to spread the Word, but those ignorant of Christ would all go to heaven regardless of their behavior, because I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the Bible, it says you won’t go to hell if you really never heard of God.

I think the purpose of life is to figure out how to pay for your apartment without ever having to leave it.

What if, when people say to me, ‘Well, we can’t all be as perfect as you,’ they’re really being sincere? That’d be awesome.

I often wish that other people would grant me more personal space, and then I think that if I weighed 300 lbs, I’d take up a lot more room than I do now, but no one could stop me taking it. So, could I wear a hula hoop suspended around my waist, and strap it there somehow, to enforce a personal space zone the approximate size of a 300 lb. woman? Could anyone stop me? I mean, there’s no real difference, public space-wise, than if I was just fatter, and there’s no law against that. …Along those same lines, if people are allowed to talk on their phones or to their companions in restaurants, bookstores and coffee shops, why can’t I read aloud to myself? The noise level is the same. Also, why is it okay to turn on a television when someone else is reading, but it’s not okay to read aloud when someone else is watching television? I just really love reading aloud!

“Look, it’s not you: I’m just not ready right now for a casual acquaintanceship.”

What’s with all those romantic movies where the woman says to the man, ‘I feel really safe with you?’ What does that even mean? ‘I’m pretty sure you’re not a rapist?’ ‘You’re sufficiently dull that I don’t fear losing my good judgment tonight?’ ‘You’re muscle-bound and aware of your surroundings?’ I mean, I guess that last one is kind of complimentary… Still.

Sometimes, a friend of yours will tell you (over years) all kinds of things about some person in their life that you have never met, but they don’t tell that person anything about you. Then, when you meet that person, it’s really awkward, because you know all their private business and they’ve only just learned your name.

I think that we should change ‘melting pot’ to ‘melting muffin tin.’ It’s more accurate.

Annette Benning kind of looks like Tracy Ullman doing her Queen Elizabeth impersonation.

I hope that one day I’m really rich and powerful, so that when I’m in any kind of meeting where people just keep saying one more thing, and one more thing, so that the meeting never ends, I can just scream out, ‘BOOM! WE DONE NOW!!!’ and everyone just has to immediately shut up and go home.