Ad Spot #5:
(Valerie is canoodling with her new boyfriend. The doorbell rings. Valerie answers the door to see Kirstie standing there. Even though they are face-to-face, the ad is still shot in split-screen, because otherwise it is all too obvious that Kirstie weighs far more than Valerie. Hopefully, it looks like some sort of artistic choice.)
Valerie: Uh…hi, Kirstie. I didn’t expect you to drop by.
Kirstie: Hi Valerie! It’s me, Kirstie! I haven’t heard from you for awhile! I wondered how you’re doing, and if you’ve reached your goal weight yet!
Valerie: Oh, sure. Yeah, I lost the weight. Oh…this is Joaquin. Joaquin, Kirstie. Um…we’re just having a quiet night in, Kirstie.
Kirstie: Awesome! I brought Jenny Donut-O’s!
Valerie: To be honest, Kirstie, we weren’t really expecting company tonight. Call first next time.
Kirstie: Oh. I see. Sorry to intrude.
Valerie: No problem. Night-night.
Ad Spot #6:
(Kirstie and Valerie sit at a table. Kirstie eats a sandwich, and Valerie drinks black coffee. Although they are seated across from each other, they are still shot in split-screen. Hopefully, it symbolizes the growing rift between them.)
Kirstie: Hi Valerie! It’s me, Kirstie! I’m so glad you were able to finally meet me for lunch! Glad you could fit me in to your packed schedule!
Valerie: Oh, sure. Me too. What’s new with you these days?
Kirstie: Still losing weight with Jenny! You know, this sandwich is delicious and Jenny-approved! You should try one!
Valerie: Yeah, honestly, Jenny really helped me get the bulk of my weight off, but now that I’m quite thin again, I’m back to good, old-fashioned not eating. It’s cheaper and more effective.
Kirstie: Oh. Yeah. You’re really small.
Valerie: Well, you look great, too. We all have different bodies.
Kirstie: Mmm.
Valerie: Soooo…well, I guess I need to get going. It was good to catch up! Let’s try and keep in touch.
Kirstie: Totally! What are you doing this weekend?
Valerie: Oh, I think I have to go to the East coast. But, um, I’ll call you when I get back.
Ad Spot #7:
(Kirstie, drunk, lies around her apartment in a negligee, eating Edy’s light ice cream out of the tub. Each of her body parts are shot in split-screen. She dials the phone.)
Valerie’s recorded voice: Hi, it’s Valerie, and you’ve reached my voicemail. Please leave a message.
Kirstie: Hi, Valerie. It’s me, Kirstie! Again! Have you called Kirstie yet? No, you haven’t! Because you’re a fucking skinny bitch from hell!
Ad Spot #8:
(Montage of Kirstie, Delta Burke, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minnelli toilet papering Valerie’s mansion, while Kelis’s Milkshake plays. Laughing hysterically, they pile into a limo and squeal off into the night.)
